Second Time Around

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Second Time Around
5
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 4:59pm

I used to frequent the pregnancy boards back in 2001-2002 I loved the support I received from everyone. Here I am on this board now..I am considering divorce. I have two children ages 11 & 5. My husband is very verbally abusive and addicted to porn, somewhat of an alcohol addiction and a certain illegal drug that I will keep the name to myself. Today I looked at his history list on his computer and saw over 20 pictures and websites having to do with teacher porn and student porn and teen porn. My husband just received his teaching certificate and I literally almost threw up. In fact I still have the nagging feeling. I'm disgusted beyond belief!!!! I have a lawyer friend who will help me with the divorce, but the overall feeling of pure disgust and betrayal is overwhelming and he is at work right now. I don't want him to come home tonight I don't want him in my home or around the children. I feel like he is a predator at this point. Would love some encouragement or similar situations.

Thank you
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 6:10pm

Hi Kelly,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this. I was married for two years to a guy that was also addicted to porn and an alcoholic. When I had found child porn on our computer I looked the other way. I was very young at the time and didn't realize what these addictions can do to a person. His porn addiction then led to his addiction to women and he cheated on me many times. Whenever I would confront him about anything he would become violent. I finally left him with the support of my family and it was the best decision I ever made. I never had children so I can't imagine how much harder this is for you. But, I'm glad you are recognizing what he is doing and that it is wrong. Somebody like him needs professional help and I would especially be scared of him being around your children when you know that he has been looking at teen porn. I would suggest that you and your children try and stay with someone, a family member or friend...anyone. I would just be afraid that if you confront him and start discussing your plans for divorce it could get violent. Even if it doesn't, this doesn't seem like the environment for your children to be in. I wish you the best of luck. I know a lot of what you are going through and it is extremely painful. Leaving is the worst part though, it only gets better from there.Take care.

-B

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 6:50pm

Thank you I appreciate the support, that is why I've come back to these boards. I am also concerned with confronting him. So I don't think that is the thing to do. I have copied the websites onto my computer and thank goodness I didn't have to look at the sites to do it. I have the evidence if needed. Ultimately that is my concern my children, my reputation. I am calling a counselor because he needs help and now I do too. :)

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 7:17pm

Kelly, this sounds like a possibly dangerous sistuation and you are right to want to get you kids out immediately. If you don't have family or friends that can help you sometimes your local youth and family services can help with what they call "crisis intervention." I live in CT, but I know someone in VA who was helped to move out in the middle of the night and had a place for her and her kids to go, and stay till she got on her feet. Also, if he gets a teaching job, you may want to consider letting his employers know. If you have the child porn sites documented, you can call the police and that may solve your problem.

I feel so sorry for you to have to deal with all this with two young children. My prayers are with you. Keep us posted. if you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 9:19pm

I feel the same way about the situation. I do have family, I am going to offer him an out by asking to move in with his mother (1500 miles away), temporarily, even though I don't mean the temporary part. Its hard for me to understand, its one thing to have a fantasy but its another when it involves your career with underage children in mind. I am freaked out.

Thank you

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 7:02pm

Do you think he'll go that far? (1500 mi) Or did you mean that you would go that far? I would just not be at all threatening with him, at least until you have all your ducks line up. It sounds like you are doing a good job being careful and gathering information which may be useful to you. In CT we have no fault divorce, so they don't really care what the circumstances are in which you find yourself, but from reading these posts on this board I can see that every state has it's own particular hell you have to go through.

My stbx is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, esp. when he's drunk, which is way too often. I felt I couldn't help my son get out of the disfunctional life unless I left. And even then, I had hopes that he would see the light, but he hasn't. We've been married almost 31 years, and it is really hard not to think he will at some point return to the guy I married. But I've accepted that he won't. Since I told him I'm filing he has put the pressure on my son to stay away from me as punishment. My S does exactly what H says when H is around, but when he's not everything is normal. I am taking him for counseling next week, without his father's knowledge because I know his dad will pressure him not to go. Thank God I live close, I told him to tell his dad he's going to the park, and just meet me at my house. Imagine, having to sneak around with my own son. but it's just till our first court date in about 6 weeks. I think we're going to sneak to the beach on Sunday too. His friends mothers are all my best friends, and they are helping me so much. They invite him over and me too. I tell you this partly to vent but partly to let you know I have some experience with verbally abusive controlling men with an alcohol problem. And I think you are smart to avoid the confrontation. You never know what they are capable of. I constantly see him cross lines I didn't know were there.

Keep in touch. I hope it goes OK.