Separated after 25 years of marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Separated after 25 years of marriage
16
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 3:46pm

I'm 45 years old, my daughter is 15 and my husband is 50. We've been separated for 6 months now and in that time we've only tried to sit down 3 times to talk about our situation. Our communication is just terrible. We tried counseling but that was a waste of time. On my husbands part, he didn't put much effort into it. I felt I did. I tried inviting him to dinner to talk about things and he kept putting it off. This all started with him having 'good friend' and co-worker who is a female. We'll call her Dee. Now Dee would constantly be calling and texting my husband throughout the day. My husband and Dee had the same work schedule and would sometimes do things during the day with her children and my daughter. The way I would find out about these outings was from my daughter. One time, my husband left his phone on the counter Dee had sent him a text. Yes, I read it. She was telling him about her papsmear she had to get. She went into great detail which I felt was inappropriate. There were times when me and my husband would be watching TV and out of the blue he'd say, "I wonder what Dee is doing." or "I hope Dee's alright." We separated for about a week 2 years ago because of this and my husband promised he and Dee wouldn't communicate so much when he was at home. That only lasted for a little while. It started up again and I tried to put my foot down and told him the texting and the calls need to stop. I didn't trust Dee. She is the type of woman that tries to make 'good friends' with other married husbands in the past and at one time one of the wives confronted Dee and told her to stay away. I've never confronted her. My husband has left me because Dee has had cancer and all he's trying to do is be a good friend to her. I'm not sure if that's all the reason. I had let that emotional affair go on for too long without saying anything but I had to finally say stop. Well, now my husband has moved out. We tried talking about 2 weeks ago about our situation and I asked him if he still loves me. He told me at that moment he doesn't and that he's so angry with me. Is this how most men are when it comes to these type of situations? Is this a little extreme for him to move out because I said that Dee cannot call or text him anymore? Should I have a talk with Dee to find out more information? Afterall, she's the one I feel is pursuing my husband. If Dee is such a 'good friend' why doesnt' she tell my husband to not worry about their friendship and go home and to his wife and daugher.  Please let me know your thoughts on this. I'm not sure I should move onto filing for a divorce just yet. I just feel in my heart that my husband is going to come around and realize he made a mistake by leaving me and his daughter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 5:03pm

To be entirely honest, when you are ready to end the marriage, you will.

What you do now is work on figuring out what you need, and communicate it in a way that can't be misconstrued or manipulated.

Your DH is mad at you, because you are not accepting his behavior.  He has also convinced himself that his actions are just fine, and that you are the one to blame.  It's what a lot of affairs are made of, manipulation and transference.

I think what you need to do is decide what you are going to do, and stand firm.  And communicate it clearly to your DH.

You can't change his actions, or force him to do what you want (Im not saying you are).  All you can do is react and respond accordingly. 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 1:24am

Hello izzyanddalexsmommy!  I appreciate your reply.  You hit it on the nose. My husband now told his whole family that I never loved him. He's lying to himself. It makes him feel better. You would think after 25 years of marriage we'd be able to sit down and talk. He just keeps saying he's too angry to talk. I'm printing out the responses I'm getting for encouragement. Thank you so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 1:28am

Hi Izzyanddalexsmommy... Do you think I should talk to Dee? I haven't confronted or tried to talk to her. I don't think I'll rip her eyes out or anything. That's not me. I just want some answers.  What do you think?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 10:41am

I wouldn't because most likely you will not get the answers you are hoping for.  And you would run the risk  of making the situation worse with your DH.

What I would do, is meet with a few different attornies and figure out what you should anticipate IF it does come to divorce.  You might actually find some comfort in understanding the process and what you can expect.  Also, seek out some counseling, for yourself.  It does really help to talk it out with someone who is unbiased.  You might gain some clarity with the situation, and that is important.

Your DH is deluding himself to justify his actions.  Given what you have shared, I wouldn't be surprised if Dee is quite the master manipulator and is manipulating your DH.  Especially if she has a history of befriending married men and causing problems in their marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 12:12pm

Hi izzyandalexsmommy.  Thank you again for your response. I'm not going to talk to Dee. I did do some snooping around. Dee is totally a manipulator. This is bad but she told my husband that she has cancer.  This was about 8months ago. She's been out of work for the last 6 month. 6months like in the time my husband left the house. My husband did tell me I was being insensative which was the reason why I put up with the calls and text messages for a little while longer. I went onto her facebook and noticed something odd. No one was saying, "how are you feeling?" .. nothiing about her appointments or anyone asking how things are going. Absolutely no well-wishers. BUT...there were alot of people asking how her trip to Disneyland went...and did she have a good time on her little mini-vacations she was taking. My husband said she had to take time off work because of chemo treatments and to get some rest. I called a few people at her work and they said Dee was out on 'stress' leave. I haven't snooked anymore. I'm getting to that point where I'm not missing my husband as much. It's getting easier and I don't want to make the situation worse. My daughter adores her dad.

Thank you so much for your great advice.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 7:57pm

Hi Chile,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with two immature people: your husband and his "friend."

First of all, my frank advice to you is this: get yourself to an experienced divorce attorney ASAP. Not to file for divorce, but learn your rights and obligations in the event of one, and to start getting your ducks in a row should it become necessary. By this I mean PROTECT yourself. Take an accounting of your assets and debts. Get busy building a file of copies of tax returns, insurance policies, any loans, retirement accounts, paystubs, etc. You will need this information in order to protect yourself and your children. Don't discuss this with your husband - just do it. Don't assume anything at this point. Your husband is too emotionally entangled with this woman to have any consideration for the practical. So you be practical. Capice?

Here's what I know about the type of relationship you describe between your husband and his "friend."

For starters, your husband is a fool, and he's being played like a fool. Here's what is likely to happen. Ok, so she played the cancer card and got him to move out. How gullible can he be? Pretty gullible. What's going to happen is this: she'll lead him on as long as it amuses her. The minute he files for divorce or even tells her he's going to do so she'll either drop him like a hot rock or she'll lead him on a little longer. Then, when the divorce is final, she'll drop him. See, women like this aren't really interested in a single, available man. They want someone they really can't have. It's a game to them. A lot of men have been lured out of their marriages believing the lies they are told by these sirens. (Think of the tales of sailors being lured to their deaths by the idea of a seductive mermaid!) She really doesn't want a committed man; she just wants to prove to herself (or others) that she can go after someone else's man.

Your husband is typical for a man his age because he's probably hit some kind of mid-life bump and he needs assurance he's still "got it," whatever "it" is. A younger woman paying attention to him is just what his ego needed. You can bet their relationship isn't just platonic. Sex is even more powerful and will erase all common sense or decency in a man.

So, my bottom line advice to you is this: get your legal ducks in a row (including putting assets in a trust to protect them for yourself and your children), have a good attorney in the wings, and THEN confront him with the "reality" of his affair. If he thinks you're bluffing, show him you aren't. Divorce papers can accomplish amazing things.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 12:45am

Hi Wisdomtothe2020.  Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some great advise.  I do need to be practical. To tell you the truth, I don't know how my husbands going to do this. We have a house together and I work part time. We agreed that he still needs to make the house payment. But now he also has a $1000 a month rent on an apartment. He's nuts! gggeeeezz...  Dee isn't living with him. yet.... For better or worse just got thrown out the window ...Thank you again!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 7:02pm

Chile;

My exH pulled that I never loved him card because my exH was controlling and abusive and when I left him he needed that lie to make himself not be the one to be blamed for me leaving. MY ex has Narcisstic personality disorder and God forbid he had to take responsibility for the control and abuse he bestowed upon me  because he never did. He said I left him for stupid idiotic reasons and it was all a lie. I like what the previous poster said..

Fast forward and he told everyone I never loved him and on and on .. I didnt care because I was free of the toxic man and the toxic marriage. I went on and survived and even thrived without him.. 

. It appears your husband checked out of the marriage a long time ago and he left for his own selfish reasons but I guess its hard to see at the time.. My ex found a new victim right away and they are still together but guess what?? Not out of love but out of necessity and they are both nuts and sickos and they actually set up their relationship of using each other. I doubt they love each other..

So this is tough to say and I dont mean to be cruel but wish your husband well and let that Karma bus take over because its coming down the pike real soon..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 4:49pm

Hello Queensophia. Thank you for your piece of mind. It's so true. He has convinced himself that I don't love him and 'never did.'  I made him lunch every single day he worked...and I made sure he had a Recess Peanut Butter Cup, his favorite, in every lunch I made him. I put in lots of thought for all his gifts and holidays. ...and he did too. It makes ME angry to hear that he thinks that "I never loved him." 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 2:37pm

I agree with everything Wisdom said about getting your ducks in a row.  I commend you for hanging in there and fighting for your marriage.  I did the same to no avail and my ex has now been married to his old co-worker for almost 3 years now.  My ex checked out for 7 years before he actually filed and it was painful and I did everything to hang on.  I was raised Catholic and did not believe in divorce, so thought my ex was as committed as I was.  HA!  I feel more foolish more than anything.  However, at age 48, I actually fell in love again and even REMARRIED!!!  (The one thing I said I'd NEVER do again!). 

I wish you the best, but, again...it's best to be prepared.  What's that old saying??  "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst."  and get a really good a lawyer!

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