separated but hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
separated but hurting
2
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 8:29pm

This is the first time on this board.
I have been separated for 18 months, was married for 22 years and have two sons 20 and 15.
Our marriage went through ups and downs and in October of 2003 my stbx said he was leaving. After many conversations we decided to give the marriage another shot, a week later i learned he was having an affair. Needless to say the OW was a stronger pull and we ended up separating. They broke up a year ago boxing day. When he left the marriage he said he needed time for himself, time to get his head straight, be on his own...that has never happened. He made attempts at coming back to me after the OW and He broke up. He is now seeing another woman and this really bothers me. I am hurting now more than i did when i learned of the affair. I feel like i am becoming obsessed over the fact that he can move on so easily.
This past holiday season his mother came to visit from the east coast and for the majority of the visit she stayed with me. To say it was awkward is an understatement. She made a comment that if it wasn't for me we(stbx and myself)would be together. I said things to her and didn't pull punches.
I am wondering if anyone else feels like i do knowing that their stbx is moving on and even though i know we wouldn't be together regardless i want to know why it is hurting so much now.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Jayfan

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:49pm
I know how hurtful it can be to see your stbx trying to move on ith other women. My stbx did the same thing. I went throught the same thing--I found out my husband was having an affair while he was deployed overseas...I decided it was best at that time to try and work it out because of our daughter. About two years later, he decided it wasnt working for him and he moved out and in with his brother to think about what he wanted and needed. But after four months of comptemplating, he moved in with another woman and her three boys. I was devastated. The worst part was him acting like he did nothing wrong and that I was over-reacting. He has been with two other woman and their kids since then.
Guys do things a little differently than women when a break-up happens. They get with other women right away to get over what they are feeling--rather than mourn about it like us women do. Its sad that they do this. It took a long time for me to even consider dating or seeing someone else--but that is also because of my daughter. Just try to not think about what he does but concentrate on what you need to do. Keep your mind from wandering there and just try to stay busy doing other things. In time it will get easier!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:59pm

I hear this alot from an irl support group I am in. The guys just seem to be able to "turn it off" and walk away without shedding a tear. My h included. May I recommend an irl support group. I have mixed feelings about whether I want to be in one, but I must say it is comforting to hear these other women describe *my* h when they are talking about *theirs* iykwim.

Hugs to you!!!

M