Separation help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Separation help
4
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 2:20pm

My husband and I have been married for 21 years, and I have asked for a separation. Lots of verbal abuse from his end, and we have grown apart. We are still living in the same house, and he wants to share a common apt., so that our kids can stay in their house (which I want as well), and we will revolve in and out of the house on a 50/50 basis. Has anyone tried this? I personally don't think it will work because of his heavy work schedule.

Any advice is appreciated! :)
Thanks.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: mom_suzer
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 3:50pm

Real quick because I have to run.

It is called "nesting" and they think it is admirable, especially if you have younger children and you and your X can be cooperative and collaborative.

They also say that it is fair shakes to the parents -- gives them an idea of how disruptive it is to children's development/lives to have to shuttle between houses. Adults should be better equiped to handle this disruption than their kids.

As to whether it is practical in your situation -- that I can't. It is most certainly worth a try.

I would do more reading about it and maybe talk it through with a professional.

GL and good for you for thinking of the kids.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
In reply to: mom_suzer
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 5:10pm
My husband and I have started a similar situation with an apartment that primarily I use since he works out of town thru the week. My children are young, 8 and 6, and seem to be doing really well with this so far. They are still in their familiar surroundings and since my husband & I don't really fight (we just don't talk), they are curious but not upset. I took them to the apartment to show them where I go on weekends, which they loved because it had a pool. Ah, kids.... when life was simple. We had been playing roommates for several years and somehow it really doesn't seem so different. I do have to admit it gets very lonely at that apartment, so I've really been trying to plan out the times when I am there with activities - even as simple as going to the craft store for a new project. Let me know how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
In reply to: mom_suzer
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 5:22pm
I was married for 15 years and am thinking about the same arrangement. My kids are 11, 9, and 4. PLEASE keep us posted on how this works for you. We are still living like room mates and I want to propose this to my husband. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: mom_suzer
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 7:21pm

Thanks for your input everyone! My children are 15 1/2 and 12, so they are a bit older, and I think the separation will be hard, but a relief in a way. Its important to me that they stay in their home, and I am willing to give this a try. Not sure how we will afford an extra place (I am a stay at home mom at the moment for the summer). I will definitely have to go back to work full-time, which is ok with me. All the financial stuff is very very scary to me...... my whole life is going to change.

It has been so hard, emotionally, because I am the one asking for the separation. I feel its in my best interest, and the kids best interest. We tried counseling, and it didn't work. My husband is so angry with me, calling me a quitter, (we have been married for 21 years - I don't call that quitting!!) and he is painting me out to be the bad guy in front of the kids. He is very very immature. I could go on for days about the mental and verbal abuse I have sustained. There are days when I feel so weak, and feel like I just don't have the energy to make the split and live out there on my own. Then there are days where I feel very empowered. Its a rough road....