separation limbo, hell
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| Mon, 08-04-2008 - 4:37pm |
I feel like my whole world is crumbling. My "husband" is on the road for work the majority of the year. My friends call me the single married mom. Our kids (17 & 15) have had anger & abandonment issues with their dad for a long time. I've always made excuses for him. Three years ago we bought a house & moved to another state. He has been around so little that he has yet to feel like this is home. He keeps idealizing Southern California as the perfect place. He's just turned 35 and is an alcoholic.
On June 17 he had been home for 1 day & told me he "wanted out" he said it's not another woman. he just wants to be happy. & is moving back to California. I found out within days that he had been having an affair with a woman from work for at least two months. He sorta moved out two days later. He packed some stuff and left other things. & went to stay with his folks. He lied a few days later saying he had a job in LA and left. Then I found out there was no job he was just shacked up with his homewrecking slut. He came home for one week for our kids birthdays. He "stayed" with his folks but he was here everyday following me around and slept naked with me in our bed. Stupidly I gave in and we had an intimate encounter while he was home.
He is now out of state again and staying and working with the OW.
He says he never loved me and doesn't want to make things work. But he won't come out and say the word divorce. He also has a dating profile up so how serious can the relationship be with the ow...
His dad said there are still feelings for me there and I should not give up,
He took away all access I had to the bank account and I have to pay all the bills now. He is paying the mortgage he said that would equal child support.
One minute I'm angry and say good riddance, the next I can't stop shaking and crying. I can't stand the thought of him with this other woman, I miss him and want to try before we give up...what happened to better or worse?
And does she really think he loves her?
I know this is all over the place but that is my state of being at the time. I'm a wreck. I feel like I'm in limbo. Do I wait for him to wake up, do I file for a divorce I don't want? He has done this in the past twice, before we were married. We've been together off & on for 19 years.
I'm just lost and crushed & haven't a clue as to what to do or even how to breathe.

The first thing I would do is consult an atty to see what your rights are and if your DH actually is paying enough.
You are right. I agree completely. Problem is I can't seem to move forward no matter what my head says when it comes to this man. I don't know why but I still carry some shread of hope that he'll sober up, get bored with his new & exciting no daily crap (we've had ALOT of legal trouble with our 17 yr old son) gf & come home.
He still finds stupid things to call or text me about. & when he needs something I'm the one he calls. I know I should tell him to have his gf do the things he's asking of me but I am his wife & feel it is my duty & responsibility to care for my husband....
WTF!!! I am not a weak woman until it comes to him.
I can't even breathe when he calls or texts. How do I escape this? He's the type that if I file for divorce he'll get hurt and mad & stubborn & say it was what I wanted.
but if I'm my sweet helping self he eventually realizes what an ass he is and comes around.
But seriously I know I shouldn't want him to after everything. yet when I close my eyes and picture my old age it's me & him.
How do you end feelings this strong & unhealthy for someone you've been with off & on since you were 17?
also everything is in his name, so it was easy for him to cut me out. when he came home for all of 9 days for our kids birthdays mid July he came home with a weeks worth of groceries & sent me a text the other day asking "how u money" !!! after being gone a month & obviously not giving a damn or thinking about us!!! He makes over 100,000 a year!!! so it's not like he's hurting...but god forbid anything take away from his homewrecking...sl*t! or heaven forbid she find out he cares about his wife & kids.
In stubborn anger I told him I didn't want or need his money (which we really do need the help) yet I can't tell him no when he needs my help...
tell me it gets better.
OK, yeah, I reiterate my first message which was go to an atty.
I do not think you are being critical at all. You are dead on right. That is the sad thing. I know this but my heart won't stop ruling. I keep myself in this limbo state (granted he just dropped this in my lap on June 17) because I keep hoping that he will change jobs, come home & be the husband and father we all know him to be when he's sober.
I know none of this will happen. Well not anytime soon. The old fashioned girl in me that was raised by my grandmother says You stick by your man no matter what & reap the benefits when you are both old and gray....but the modern strong side of me (who is on vacation at the moment) says...F*$k this loser, you're better off on your own.
I'm paralyzed when it comes to contacting an attorney.I know it's the best thing to do but I am stuck in the emotional muck.
I have started therapy but I still feel like a neurotic mess. I know I need to be a better/stronger woman especially for my daughters' sakes (they are 15 and 11) They need a better role model than either myself or my stbx have so far provided.
What makes this even harder is all of my friends & family all say the same thing...He'll come around...you two were made for each other, can't imagine either of you with someone else!!! aargh.
I've tried several times to pack up the rest of his stuff so when he does come home it's all ready to go so I don't have to deal with him but I break down and end up leaving it.
I have taken down all pics of us and put those away. yay for one small step
I really appreciate your advice!!! especially when you are also having a tough time.
thanks alot~