Separation/custody issues for a 3 yo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Separation/custody issues for a 3 yo
3
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 1:12pm

I am new here. After many years of a rocky marriage my husband and I decided to divorce. We are trying to be very amicable and continue to co-parent our three year old.

I am looking for advice on how to handle the separation. Has anyone done a transitional move of one parent out of the marital home? So he's gone more and more, but not all of a sudden he's gone? What custody arrangement is appropriate at this time. I have no issues with him as a father, and no concerns about her spending a night or several nights with him -- just at 3 she is relatively mommy-centered.

All thoughts appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 1:24pm

My dd was three when we separated, but we both moved at the same time when we sold our house. Whatever situation you decide on, as long as you talk and you have some kind of plan and are ready for questions your dd might ask (like when will I see daddy again) then she will be fine. My dd was confused at first, children really depend on their routine and we had completely changed hers, but after about 5 weeks she was fine because she knew what to expect, when she'd see dad, when she'd see me, which house she lived in when, etc.

My dd has adapted to be mommy-centered when she's with me and daddy-centered when she's with him. She often will not talk to me on the phone when she's with her dad or vice-versa, because she's focused on the parent she is with, plus I think it reminds her that she misses the other parent and she'd rather not be reminded of that. She just turned 5 and she is doing incredibly well.

I know there are some children's book recommendations on the board webpage. That might help too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 1:40pm
Did you live together in the house until it sold? We are doing this now and it's very confusing to us. We actually get along better now that we have in a very long time, because the tension of trying to make things work is gone. He I think is wavering about trying again, but I don't have another one in me. We are so close to making a good marriage, but after years of individual counseling for each of us, and marriage counseling, we are both still ships passing in the night. We are really good friends, but we are not good married to each other. It's very sad, but I know it's the right decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 1:46pm
We agreed to divorce in May/June of 2003, and lived in our house together until we closed on the sale in early September (we could not afford for one of us to move out without getting the money from the sale of the house). For me it was like torture, because he wanted to re-hash every last mistake we both had made, but I understood he needed to do that and I let him. However, it also gave us the opportunity to spend a lot of time talking about what we wanted for dd, when we would and would not need to consult with each other, and basically we established new rules for our co-parenting relationship (although we didn't know that term back then). I think any divorcing couple with children should spend time talking about this. The book "Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce Or Separation" by Jann Blackstone-Ford, Sharyl Jupe is one I like to recommend if you need a place to start. My ex and I have a very amicable relationship now, although I wouldn't call us friends, I like to say we are acquaintences who know each other very well.

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