Separation/Divorce Question (long)
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| Mon, 01-02-2006 - 1:46pm |
Hi ladies!
I've been lurking here for about a week now, and I thought I would come to you all with a question, since you all are the experts :). I know that no one can tell you what to do; ultimately, it's your decision to end a marriage, but I am such a believer in getting other people's opinions/advice. Anyway, I'll get to it. I have been married for over 5 years now, and have 4-year old and 17 month old daughters, as well as a 10 year old step-daughter. My relationship with my husband has been rocky since about year 2. He is an alcoholic, and there have been a TON of issues that have gone along with that all through the marriage. We have been to counseling, 2 different ones in fact, and they both strongly recommended AA. He never went. We have "separated" (if you can call it that) 4 different times just this year, but never to the point that we've gone out and gotten our own places. Of course I'm completely scared, but he had 2 really awful drunken episodes in December, and I just fear for the safety of my children. He finally went to 2 AA meetings, but decided last night that he "didn't feel like going", so here we go again....I am just emotionally spent; don't even think I love him any more after being trodden on so many millions of times. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, but yet I worry about him because he has no self esteem. One time when I left, he took sleeping pills, so I don't want that burden on my conscience if he were to get to that point again! My main concern is the girls, however. It is REALLY taking a toll on my 4 year old for her to see me crying, although I try really hard to hide it the majority of the time. She constantly worries when I leave to go ANYWHERE that I'm not coming back, and I would NEVER leave my girls. They will definitely come with me, if it comes to that. Anyway....I know this is long, but I know there's got to be someone here that has been through something similar. Any input or advice would be much appreciated, as I am totally emotionally drained. I've gotten tons of encouragement/advice from friends and family, but they haven't gone through this, so getting a different perspective may help me, as well. Thanks in advance, and have a nice day!!
Leslie
PS--You all have a really great board here...the support here is phenomenal, and you've already helped me just by reading others' posts. Thank you!

I was also going to mention Al-Anon.
Hi Leslie...
I'm glad that you found us, although, I'm sorry that you've found your self in the position to need to find us, though...
Anyway, I completely agree with the two other posters who recommended Al-Anon. Although I have never personally been involved with this organization, I have heard great things about what they can do and how then can help you, as the family member of an alcoholic, cope with issues, that may or may not be unique to your own situation.
I also have a four year old (Joey) who is also constantly worried that I will leave him... his dad moved out of state one week after our divorce was finalized and only saw him once in 2005, so I believe that he has a lot of trust and security issues going on that he can not even begin to communicate with me yet. So far, when we've tried to talk about it, he says that he is scared for me to be out there without him there to protect me... he's a sweet little guy. Remember that as their Mommy, your number one priority should be protecting them and providing a loving, stable environment. I'm not trying to make the decision for you--check out Al-Anon and see where that takes you.
Looking forward to getting to know you better!
Julie
Thanks ladies!
I will look into Al-Anon. There are certainly many more issues than the alcoholism that have gone on, but it would be one more thing that I could do to salvage things here. Thank you again!
Leslie
Wow I'm not the only one. I'm totally new to this. I just left my husband 3 weeks ago. I'm not sure if I should be giving you advice or not but maybe you can get something from what I went through. I was with my H for almost 11 years, (I'm 28)during that time he became an alcoholic and battled depression. It was hell. Don't get me wrong there were some really good times but the bad outweighed the good. He was mostly mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive when he was drunk. The rest of the time he was depressed or controlling. (I also think he might have been bipolar because the highs were way high an the lows were the bottom of the barrel low). The alcoholism made the depression worse, he was hospitalized 3 times for attempted suicide. I must have watched this man attempt to kill himself well over 100 times (this was all within the past 2 1/2 years). Every waking moment of everday revolved around how he would react to my ever action or lack of action. I literally lived in fear that he would hurt himself or myself or one of our four children. I loved him so intensely that I couldn't bring myself to leave him, in my mind I was convinced that he needed me and that I was the only thing keeping him alive. I was willing to let the stress, pain, and fear destroy me because I thought that he'd end up killing himself if I left and I'd have to live with that for the rest of my life. He was drinking 5-7 days a week (never let it interfere with work) and smoked 3 packs a day, his liver function was really bad and he had pre-emphysema (sp?) and he was only 29. Myself and my children watched him destroy items we treasured, walls in our house, furniture, you name it. And still I thought that I could save him. It is the hardest thing to come to terms with but finally my eyes opened. My children were all having problems, especially my 9 year old (oldest)everyday it was something else. He is scarred. I finally came to terms with the fact that it wasn't just myself that he was damaging but my children as well. That damage will stay with them for life. My oldest now attends Alateen meetings and is starting counseling, I am looking for a counselor and have attended a few alanon meetings. The younger kids may also need counseling but they haven't endured what the nine yr old has.
I left my H three weeks ago, grabbed only the kids and clean clothes in the laundry baskets downstairs. Up until a few days ago I was staying in a trailer with ex-step-mother, not exactly what I'm accustomed to but the change in atmosphere was incredible. I just moved into a home that I'm renting and we are all doing ok.
The biggest most profound change though is my husband. He flat out refused AA before this as well as antidepressants, shrinks or counselors. He was a mean bitter hateful person and I couldn't get him to spend 20 minutes with his kids individually.
My leaving is the best thing I could have done for my kids no doubt. But incredibly it is the best thing I could have done for him. And those are his words. It took him losing everything to finally hit bottom and see what alcohol was doing to him. He now attends meetings 2 times a day, sees a therapist and is on anti-depressants. He has said that while my leaving him was the single most devastating event in his life it is also the one thing that saved his life and because of that he finally has a chance at being happy. We talk pretty often and he knows that while I still love him I can't go back, at least not now. He apologizes to me everyday for making my life hell and tells me he knows I need time and we need therapy but that he'll wait for me. I waited for him for 11 years after all. I know that I can't go back. Even though he is a changed person and I have faith that he won't return to drinking, I can't go back now. I need to deal with all of the hurt he has inflicted upon me, build up my self esteem, and rid myself of the anger and rage. If I were to go back to him now I would destroy him and everything he has worked for and achieved these past few weeks. So I'm just taking it a day at a time.
I know you feel alone but you're not. Your children are young enough to have a really good chance at a normal childhood and since he's not capable of providing them with that you need to see to it that they are protected, both emotionally and physically. It is your responsibility to protect them, nurture them, and love them. That's a mother's job above all else. I know that leaving is scary but the alternative can be far worse. If you need someone to talk to feel free to email me or post a message to the board.
Good luck and keep us posted.
(Sorry so long)
To sweetdiva5 and kayleys_mommy:
Don't worry about your posts being too long! That's why we are all here, to listen and talk to each other.
This board has really helped me. My divorce has been final about two months and I guess I'm still in the "numb" stage. Although a lot of things are going on that you can't change, it is so helpful to know you're not alone. That's what this board is for.
These are some phrases I never thought I'd use: my attorney, my divorce, my ex-husband, contempt of court, etc. etc. etc., you name it! You never know what life will throw at you!
Barb S.