Seperated and it's Valentine's Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2005
Seperated and it's Valentine's Day
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 8:52pm

My husband and I have been separated since this past June. I am very confused by him. At Christmas he bought me gifts and spent the holiday with me and the kids. He doesn't want to move back home, he says he doesn't know if he loves me, but yet he calls me pretty much every day. Sometimes it's talks about nothing and sometimes it's some of the worst arguements. Valentine's Day is just about here. I have no intention of getting him anything. Is that right thing to do? What do I do if he shows up with something for me like he did at Christmas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 12:23am

If you're "separated".......then you shouldn't be seeing him at all.  If it's something about your children, then he should see them apart from you.  When a man doesn't know what he wants, then he needs to make up his mind, or it should be over.  Why do you talk to him every day?  Don't answer his calls, especially if you get into arguements when he calls.  He's got the best of both worlds......he's living on his own, but yet he has total access to his wife and children.  Do you even know what he's doing while he's "on his own"?  Right now he has you in limbo, and he's pulling the strings.  What do YOU want?  Do you want him back?  Why is he living away from you because that's what HE you want that too?  Valentines day......forget it.  Does he let you know he's coming, or does he just appear?  If I were you, I'd take my kids and go somewhere........anywhere, not to be there if he shows up.  Don't be his doormat!  If you honestly want him back, then tell him that, and tell him to come back, or you'll file for a divorce.  YOU start making the rules, because it's YOUR life as well as his.  He needs to decide if he wants to be your husband, or he should go away and stay away.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 11:34am

No I would not get him anything for Valentines Day, a day that is for romance--Christmas would be different since it's a holiday for everybody, he would be getting gifts for the children and he probably didn't want to leave you out. (Even after I got divorced, when our kids were little, my ex & I would get gifts for each other "from the children" for Christmas, birthday, fathers and mother's day)

I do think the bigger problem is that it's been 8 months now and your DH still can't decide what to do--who wanted the separation?  what was the purpose of the separation?  I think that living separately rarely results in people getting back together unless they are working on their issues, which generally I think they could still do while living together, unless there is a lot of arguing going on when it might be better for them to take a break to cool off.  I would not spend time getting into arguments with him on the phone--if he wants to start an argument, the phone call should be over.  Also I think you should let him feel like what it would be like to be divorced so he can have a better idea of what that would be like.  So no daily phone calls--he should be talking about the kids only, he should be seeing the kids separately from you.  Not to mention I think this is bad for the kids who are also being left hanging here--is dad coming back to live or not?  At this point, I think either you both decide to work on the marriage and maybe go to counseling, or otherwise, you should start working on a divorce.  It's not fair to you that he can't make up his mind--this could go on for years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 11:53pm

If he shows up with a gift or card, you don't accept it. Tell him that its inappropriate because you two are not romantically involved.

Are you legally separated, or did he just decide to move out and be a single guy again? Is he dating other women? Are you dating, or are you just sitting home waiting for him to make up his mind about the marriage?

From my detached perspective it doesn't sound too confusing. He has his freedom when he wants it and the little family when he wants that. He keeps you on a string with the frequent phone calls, occasional gifts, etc. Would you treat someone you loved like this? To me the question would be: for how long are you willing to accept his behavior, to let him dictate the situation?

I suggest that you consult a divorce attorney so you will have an understanding of the process, the expense, so you will know what documents and information you will need in the event of a divorce. You will probably feel more empowered just from having that information. Any day he could announce that its over whether you are ready or not; or maybe you will decide to take the lead and take charge of your future. Or maybe you two will reconcile, but at least you would be more prepared for whatever happens.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 1:56pm

I agree with the others that you don't need to do anything.  Valentine's Day is for showing you're in love with someone.  I imagine that if you're separated, you're not in love anymore.

OTOH not every separation necessarily leads to divorce.  My BIL's wife left him after 30 years because she was tired of putting up with things she couldn't change, but she remains a member of the family - in fact I've seen her several times since she moved out, but I've never seen my BIL.  As far as I know they have no plans to divorce. 

My sister and her H separated for a few years, then reconciled after her youngest went off to college and some things changed in his own situation.  While they were not happily married while her kids were still at home, they seem to be rather happily married now.

So I'm somewhat less inclined than others to say you've got to get a divorce attorney, simply because none of us knows your situation.  I think we're all pretty clear on what Valentine's Day is about, though, and it doesn't sound like you should do anything for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:05am

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