Seperated & Pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Seperated & Pregnant
6
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 10:26am
My name is Kate and I'm new to the board, just discovered it last night. I'm 29, with a 2 year old little girl and another baby girl on the way in Sept. My husband and I have been seperated for 2 months now. He up and left us two months ago out of the blue saying that he wasn't "in love with me" anymore and that he was tempted to cheat. We have been together for 7 years. Turns out he did in fact cheat and had an addiction to internet chatting. I am currently in therapy but have not been able to convince him to go. He went to an addiciton counselor just once. I know I can't make someone get help. I really thought we had a great marriage, we're the best of friends with the same interests and just planned the birth of a child.
I cannot think of a more fragile time for me emotionally, being pregnant, a stay-at-home mom, trying to take care of a toddler, a home and two dogs.
My husband says he thinks divorce would be the "right thing" for me but he doesn't really want it, but doesn't have the motivation to work on things either :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 1:37pm

Sending hugs. Sounds like there is no clarity for him. I definitely think, if you can get him to couples counseling, it would help no matter what. The counselor can help you sort through together whether divorce is the better course of action or working on the marriage. Doesn't sound like without some ability to talk it through, that things will move in any direction.

It is a crisis when we are sahms with young children. I am so sorry. Do you have family near by who can help with housing and financial support?

I hope he can get some help so that you can both sort through what is real and what is delusion. I know whereof I speak. My stbx is pretty much working out of unreality even though he sounds rational while saying irrational things.

GL and welcome!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 2:37pm
At this time you are in a very tense situation. But, the thing is this. Do a trial seperation, but don't let him have his cake and eat it too. Don't call him do not attempt to see him in any form or fashion and once he misses you in its entirety, he will either (one) come looking for you or (2) be gone forever, Men do not realize how easy they have it. We wash,cook,clean, raise babies etc,...DO THEY HONESTLY THINK THESE ONE TIME CHICKS ARE GOING TO DO ALL THAT FOR THEM? Heck no! They are out of here! So occupy yourself with your children and enjoy the best time of a woman's life the pregnancy and let everything fall in to place. The bad sentiments you carry around affect you and your unborn and the little one. Good Luck in your decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 12:43pm
I am sorry that you are going through this. I was 28 pregnant and had a one year old. I was sick in the hospital and lost over 30 pounds and my husband who was suppose to support me was having an affair with another women. I was crushed but I was able to forgive him. We did get back together but now he has left me and my two boys 3 and 2 and met someone only about a week after we decided to take a break. He was saying this is just a separation right, not divorce... now he says he never she have some back to me. Its hard but I believe that I will be better off now and no matter what you will to. Its hard but as strong women we deserve better than what we have and I am a stay at home mom. I sell Tupperware to get extra money. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:33pm

Kate, I am so sorry. I am going through the same thing right now other than my H hasn't moved out, he just hangs around our house sending me mixed signals, texting, calling, emailing his girlfriend and every now and then just doesn't come home becasue he needs a "break" (his break is a hotel visit with his girlfriend). But at least once a week for a few days he professes his love and comittment to me and our family, then abruptly changes his mind and goes back to being in love with his girlfriend and not happy being at home anymore.

I am a SAHM mom to my 2 children and I am expecting our 3rd child in August. I wish I had some true advice for you. the best advice I can give is that I completely understand how hard all of this is especially with all the pregnancy hormones making it worse and your not expected to have the answers when your H is acting irrational. I am trying my best to focus on my kids and our friends. Now that it is summer (my oldest is 10) I take the kids swimming, to a movie, or to a friends house everyday. I find that getting out and having to have fun with my children is the best therapy. It at least takes my mind off my marriage and life falling apart. It also lets me know how happy I can be without my H. I just wish I could figure out a job I can work from home or a part time job that will pay enough but allow me to be home more. I am so worried that if my H and I divorce it will really hurt my kids that I am at work and no longer completely focused on them. But I know sitting around worrying about it and crying all the time isn't healthy for my kids. So even though my H is a fence sitter right now where he doesn't want to end his affair but he doesn't want to leave, I have decided I have to move on and start figuring out my life without him. Even though it is scary to make the decision to file for divorce you may just have to take action to protect yourself and your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 6:46am

Kate,


I'm glad you found us here. I'm sorry about your current situation. Relationship struggles are unpredictable and very often we don't see them coming.


Without knowing any more than what's in your post, I'd venture to say your husband is being very immature and is possibly "freaked out" with his responsibilities, i.e. a marriage, a mortgage, and children. I've noticed some men use the pending birth of a child (or subsequent children) as an excuse to try to jump ship and be 18 again.


Keep going to counseling and keep asking him to join you. His internet addiction sounds like his "escape" from reality and he's being childish about dealing with his life and responsibilities. Don't give up on your marriage just yet. Get the help you need with your own feelings and learn how to cope as best you can with his behavior.


Let us know how you are doing.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:22am
Thank you all so much for your positivity and support. It was my original intention to file for divorce tomorrow but I'm postponing my appt. I am just not ready to give up. I have talked with my DH and we are going to attempt to get to know each other again without jumping back into anything. He says he will get individual therapy but I'm not letting too much ride on that. I'm going to take it a day at a time and try and recreate what I originally had with my husband and if it doesn't work out at least I know now, having lived by myself for the past couple of months that I can take care of my girls on my own. I'm so glad to have found all of you on here and I'm sorry for your situations.