Seperated..suddenly lonely..divorce soon

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Seperated..suddenly lonely..divorce soon
1
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 1:21pm

My husband & I got married in August 2005. We grew up in the same neighborhood and went to high school together. We met up again at our reunion and thought very quickly we were perfect for each other. I love him so much, but we are just two different people in different stages of life. We were engaged about a year and got married. So, in total we dated a little over a year before getting married. We knew things were bad before the wedding with the fighting but we decided to stick it out. Both sets of our parents struggled through marriage and they made it work.

The problem was that I am highly educated and have a great 9-5 job. He was a college dropout and hasn't done too much since then and is 30 years old working in the restaurant business. He made a lot less than me and he worked so many more hours. He constantly promised before and after we were married that he would go to school, get another job, etc. It just got too much and the fighting would escalate. It would get pretty bad. I was so miserable that you could just tell in my face and I lost so much weight. Despite loving him I hated my life.

There were other things that happened through the marriage. He is a really sweet and kind guy but still trying to live the early 20s life with no ambitition and drive. It would drive me crazy because I just wanted to settle and have a family. Eventually we didn't have sex but once a month and I know he looked at porn a lot. I finally left in February but came back to try to work it out. Things never improved and again he just kept promising our lives would change yet he didn't take action.

He has yahoo messenger and one night after a class I was taking I had this feeling to go on his email. It is very strange because I HONESTLY didn't do this regularly. When I went on I saw an email he wrote to a girl the night before. He was friends with her prior to me. It was pretty bad talking about seeing her tits and how he was getting a divorce and he wanted to party sometime soon. I took my dog and left that night. This was may 11th. I moved my stuff out within a week and he did as well and moved in with his sister. In the aftermath we decided to get divorced.

I have gone through ALL the stages. Shock, denial, extreme anger, understanding, depression, etc. I am in a stage of pure lonliness right now. I moved to my parents house and even though they are really supportive I feel very sad. I enjoy my job and it keeps me busy but I really feel lonely.

We met up yesterday so I could take my name off his bank account because I had already opened up one in my name. The woman in the bank was really nice but she kept talking about how we should really think this divorce through and how most couples go through this. I had brought the dog for him to see and we took him to a park. We talked for a few hours about things and we both cried. No fighting at all. We talked better than we ever had. He admitted he feels like he ruined my life since he will never be successful or be able to take care of a family. We both still love each other but we both know we aren't right. My husband never faught for me. Just kinda did whatever because he is (sorry for the derogatory comment) lazy.

I guess I am asking someone to analyze and give advice. I have written in here before and on other boards. I guess I feel like things might go downhill from here. I am just so lonely. I don't have plans for the 4th and my birthday is on the 10th. My family has a reunion on the 14th and our anniversary is August 6th. How do you get through these and when will I start to be okay. I still love my husband very much and this is harder than I thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 3:06pm

Just sending you HUGS because I can't analyze ...

You are young enough that life doesn't have to go down hill at all. In fact, you can take the attitude that it is all up hill from here -- you hit the bottom and now you can rebuild a new life.

And you totally can!

Heck, I am 47 with two young children and I figure there is alot of life still to be lived without my stbx.

Hope you can get past this tough stage.

Maybe see a counselor.

M