Seperation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2012
Seperation?
10
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 11:04pm

Hi. I am new here. I have been married to my husband for 3 years, and we have been together for 10 years. We have a 8yr old DD and a 21 month old DS. We have had issues for most of our relationship like most people. Ups and downs. About a year and half ago is when things hit rock bottom. I came home after working, I am a RN and work night shift and I found out that my husband had smacked/slapped our son (he was 4months old at the time) because he was crying and wouldnt sleep and my husband had gotten upset and struck him. We took our son to the ER. Long story short he was charged with child abuse. We have been in therapy ever since...individual, family, and couples. We both now see our own therapist and are also being treated by psychiatrists for our own issues. Alot of things have some out since weve been seeing our therapist..His issues as a child, my issues as a child, and his issues with our daughter. He has stated that he resents our daughter because she stole me from him. When she was born he was working 70-80 hrs a week to support us and I was her primary care taker, so we do have a very close relationship. He has never been physically abusive to my daughter or I but he has been verbally abusive, and tends to talk down to my daughter and I. He has gotten much better since he has been in therapy but since he was laid off in June he has been very depressed. He is no where as nasty as he used to be but when he does get in one of his moods I just want to leave and never come back. Im just kind of confused. Lately I have felt like Im not even sure how I feel about him anymore. Ive tried very hard for the last year to work on our marriage but Im just not sure whats left to save. I know I have not forgiven him in my heart for what he did to our son. I just hold this resentment toward him for what he did. I have come close to leaving many times. However this past week I have talked with my parents about moving in with them and I also contacted an attorney. Im just not sure what to do. Im so so so confused. Im just not sure if he can ever be the husband and father I want him to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
In reply to: NSchind
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 12:01pm

If you have even the slightest concern for your continued safety or for the safety of your children you need to leave immediately.  That being said, there are still preparations you should make as quickly as possible before leaving, including talking to an attorney and getting a lot of paperwork in order because you may not have access to all that once you leave.  If you don't feel that there is a safety concern I would recommend taking a little time to talk this through with an attorney and your therapist.  Remember, the only person you can change is yourself.  You can't wait or hope your H will change.  However, if you have seen progress, if he has made changes, then it may be worth it to continue to try and work things out.  However, only you can make the determination of what is right for you and for your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: NSchind
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 12:09pm

Unforgiveness is poison to any relationship. It seems as if he has admitted guilt, repented, and is taking steps toward never repeating this particular mistake. There is nothing more than he can do, or undo as it were, regarding the mistake of slapping your son. Now it is up to you to forgive and move on or allow unforgiveness/bitterness to destroy the relationship.

This is not to say that if the relationship ends over this, that it is all your fault. He should have never committed wrongs beyond your ability to forgive as we all have limits as to what we can/will forgive. BTW, my definition of forgive is to arrive at a place where one acts and feels as if the wrong never occurred... preferably forgetting it completely over time.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: NSchind
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 3:28am

Hi,

Your husband is very immature and very insecure. "he resents our daughter because she stole me from him."  Oh, come on! What an excuse! And slapping a 4-month-old? He should have gone to jail for that one. Your children deserve better. YOU deserve better. 

I agree you should make informed decisions. Yes, it's good to get an attorney's advice. You need to know your rights and obligations in the event of a divorce. Yes, you need a safe place to escape if he relapses and strikes out again. Yes, you need support, please contact your local domestic violence hotline or www.thehotline.org for help and assistance so you aren't caught unprepared.

I am not an advocate of divorce, but I draw the line at abuse whether toward an adult or a child. Your husband and you need to either commit to doing what it takes, for the long haul, to be better spouses and parents, or you need to agree it's better to be apart. And there's one thing I would make crystal clear to him: if he EVER touches you or your kids again, you're done. There's NO EXCUSE for physical violence. NONE. 

You also need to protect your daughter from his emotional and verbal abuse. How dare he judge her as if she was "the other woman" or someone who entered your lives by HER choice to divide you. That's lunacy. 

I hope if you realize one thing it's this: you deserve better. Don't ever settle for mediocre in your relationships. Don't ever settle for abuse. It's up to you to protect your children and to insure their safety, and yours. 

Good luck. 

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: NSchind
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 3:48am

For a true definition of forgiveness read "The Art of Forgiveness" by Lewis Smede. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: glenn1962
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 11:35am

Hence why I wrote, "my definition" which, is as good as any in my book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 4:43pm

He has gotten much better since he has been in therapy but since he was laid off in June he has been very depressed. He is no where as nasty as he used to be but when he does get in one of his moods I just want to leave and never come back. Im just kind of confused. Lately I have felt like Im not even sure how I feel about him anymore. Ive tried very hard for the last year to work on our marriage but Im just not sure whats left to save. I know I have not forgiven him in my heart for what he did to our son. I just hold this resentment toward him for what he did. I have come close to leaving many times. However this past week I have talked with my parents about moving in with them and I also contacted an attorney. Im just not sure what to do. Im so so so confused. Im just not sure if he can ever be the husband and father I want him to be.


Hi just wanted to add my comments.

You said he has gotten much better since therapy, but that he is depressed now since he lost his job.  Is he still going to therapy and is he discussing this with his therapist?  Can you have a "special word" when he gets into one of his moods that lets him know you need a break from him at that moment? Maybe he could go for a walk and come back when the mood passes?

As a mom I understand how it is hard to forgive for what he did, especially to a baby.  But if you two can't work past that issue, and it is pretty unforgivable, then you might not be able to move on.

Maybe taking a break and moving in with your parents is what YOU need to gather your feelings and make your decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
In reply to: NSchind
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 7:28pm
Wow, I'm not sure if I'd be able to forgive that one. I am also a nurse working nights, and I came home after my ex had slammed my then 17-year-old son against the wall with his arm in his throat and threatened to kill him. I can't forgive that, and my son is 6'2" tall, not a helpless baby. It's a great thing that he's working on himself with therapy, but to still resent your daughter all these years later? I know my ex resented all the time I spent with my older son, who isn't his, and trust me, my son KNOWS it. Kids always do. My DS is now taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist, took off a semester from college for a medical leave of absence, and is finally doing better, but that just means he's an amazing kid, not that his dad's behavior wasn't that bad. The most frustrating this is having the ex tell me MY son doesn't need meds, and he's not really depressed, he's just realized the world is a terrible place, etc. Uh, way to deflect any blame, jerk. I wanted to punch him in the throat, I was so angry. Our 12-year-old is also seeing the therapist, and he's doing much better, as well, thanks to my making him feel safe here for once. He has school, his friends, a predictable schedule, no one's yelling and cursing, the house is fairly clean, and he feels comfortable having his friends over for the first time. It's been a really tough year for me, but somehow I managed to hold it together enough for them. My only regret is that I didn't end my marriage a lot sooner; I feel very guilty for subjecting my kids to an angry, mean person, even though they have forgiven me. Luckily, now that the evil woman (me) is out of his life, my ex is doing a lot better, and is able to be a better father, from afar. Only you know what's best for yourself and the kids, so trust your instincts; I allowed guilt and loyalty to be more important in the decision making factor than what was best for everyone because I didn't want to be a "failure."
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2011
In reply to: NSchind
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 7:04am
Try researching Passive-Aggressive Personality and then Narcissist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2013
In reply to: NSchind
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 2:19pm
Over the years I have been abused (mostly emotionally), but physically in the last year. I gave myself a deadline and broke it. I told myself "three times is a pattern". I let it happen the third time and stayed. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! Not to mention he physically abused my son. Thought I could forgive and forget. It took him moving my family 4 hours away from my support system for me to realize what I had known for 3 months that I had to do. He wouldn't go talk his doctor (depression runs in his family) when I begged him the last time it happened. Other things were way more important. Fast forward to today. I am renting a small house for me and my boys in the same neighborhood, and the only thing I'm quesitoning about the separation is "why didn't I do it sooner". Don't get me wrong, I miss the family unit, but I do not miss the abuse. The tension is gone. It is a separation. In my state you have to be legally separated and living apart for 1 year and one day before you can file for divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:11am

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