set me free
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-11-2005 - 6:51pm |
I wonder if someone has any advice about getting back to normal after a divorce. I have been divorced for some years and I got on with life. I finished my PhD and got myself a job so that I can support my daughter and myself. I bought a house and a new car for the first time on my own. When the ex got ready to remarry and wanted to cut child support, I went to court and agreed to a substantial cut. I wanted enough money to help fund my daughter's daycare costs and so I decided to cut my losses with the remaining amount. I did all of this because I do want to let go and get on.
Each of these decisions caused problems with my family and friends however. on the one hand they tell me how I need to move on and on the other, they continually ask me "what does your ex think? Have you asked your ex?" They ask these questions for everything--not just parenting--something I do consult with him about. Now how can I move on with being made to feel as if I need to ask the ex anytime I make a decision? I used to be very diplomatic about the situation, but now i just reply that "I am single and so I get to make my own decisions." When I say this, i get the "you are bitter and you need to move on with your life thing again. Here is the question:
how long does it take for divorced people to be set free of a past relationship? I have been divorced 5 years and I still get the "you are bitter you should move on" remark no matter what. I feel like I am still paying the price for our divorce, but i am paying the price with those who call themselves my friends and family. My ex and I have really good boundaries and I prefer to deal with his wife if there is something major that needs to be planned in order to keep those boundaries. Things seem to work out this way for us so why am I still being labeled as a bitter divorce' by those who claim to support me?

tvgirl2004,
Do you mind a male viewpoint? Pianoguy would like to offer one, if that's okay?
FIRST...you sound like a terrific lady and an excellent mom! In spite of all the obstacles your family (including the EX) has put you through, YOU ARE IN CONTROL AND SURVIVING VERY WELL! .
From one who has been divorced for almost 4 years, I can only suggest that you take your life at YOUR OWN PACE! Friends and family members (whose intentions are probably very good) CAN'T LIVE OR TELL YOU HOW TO REACT TO THE SITUATIONS YOU'RE INVOLVED IN! This is completely your call!
I don't think any divorced person completely 'gets over the bitterness' from a failed marriage. But the trick is not to let one or two disappointments completely remove you from any future social situations. Making the decision to date again is a MAJOR STEP for a lot of divorced men and women. Maybe it's because we don't want to run the risk of getting hurt a second or a third time?
Just a suggestion, but if there's any possible way to "tune out the naysayers" and go about your life as you wish....the comments will eventually STOP! Whether you're honestly comfortable enough to permit another man in your life....even if it's only for friendship purposes....is something only YOU can determine.
I just hope you can give yourself permission to let a nice man or two get to know a little more about you? Don't worry about the 'verbal garbage' you'll occasionally get from friends, family or associates...live your life the way YOU want to!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
I agree with North. Sounds like you did a great job with moving on. You have created your own life and KUDOS to you for that.
A friend of mine once told me WHO CARES WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS! And it was only recently that I wholeheartedly agreed. You have to forget what everyone else thinks. Let them think what they want to. You know the truth and from what I read, you don't sound bitter AT ALL.