Sex and STBX

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Sex and STBX
10
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 8:56am

Thanks to all of you who have responded to my earlier posts.


I have another question - one evening my STBX and I had more than a little wine together. We ended up sleeping together (for different reasons, for him it was just sex, for me (pathetic as it sounds) it was a chance to touch him again (plus, it eased some of my feelings of rejection temporarily). I don't know that it was necessarily a bad thing. I felt better the next day. We are still headed to divorce, sex didn't't change that.


I know he wants to continue having a sexual relationship with me (in some sense anyway) - and nothing more. I can see now that it will be really hard for me to turn him down.


Has anyone else been in this situation? how did you handle it? is it possible to go from being married to being FWB? I am still in such an emotional fog that I know I am not thinking straight. Some advice would be helpful.


Hurtnlost

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: hurtnlost
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 9:24am

Lost,


Your STBX is USING YOU. He's taking advantage of you when you're most vunerable. Plus, by having sex with him (regularly or not) you maintain a false hope he'll come back to you. He's previously said (according to your initial post): "Furthermore - he doesn't know that he ever *really* loved me at all. He says he has not been sexually attracted to me for some time."


So now your "forbidden fruit" and hence more exciting to him. Plus, he knows how to push your buttons. Flat out: he's using you. Don't let him!


Many men use sex as a weapon to get the ultimate "final" say in a divorce. Don't be naive. If he's had an affair (or having one) he's also exposing you to potential sexually transmitted diseases. You might also become preganant.


So this is tough but its the one place you have to start being strong. Get yourself into counseling and start finding other things to do with your time. Don't be so "available" and eager to please. Remember, HE's leaving YOU, not the other way around.


Good luck,



CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: hurtnlost
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 1:10pm

Hi there hurtnlost,


STBX is a bad man for doing this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: hurtnlost
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 1:24pm

As for me, if my ex-wife even tried to touch me, I'd soak my body in bleach and scrub my skin off with a wire brush


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
In reply to: hurtnlost
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 1:42pm

*L* I feel the same way about XH........ I can barely stand to look at him!

And when he picks up the girls at my parents' house, Mom says that if someone came up to her and said, "I'll give you a million dollars if you tell me what XH was wearing," that she'd lose every time!

~calla~

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: hurtnlost
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 3:13pm
In the long run.... YOU will feel so empowered and so m uch better about yourself if you tell him NO.... so start by not letting yourself get into a situation with him where you'll be vulnerable and tempted.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
In reply to: hurtnlost
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 10:11pm

You are right - of course. I am just not thinking clearly these days.
I deserve more than just to be used for sex - and that is what it is, you are are right.

Thanks to all of you for being so direct with me.

I feel like I am so pathetic sometimes!

Hurtnlost

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: hurtnlost
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 12:12am
We ALL have had/have our moments of patheticness.... and when we do, it's nice to be able to look for support and be lifted back up, reminding us of our true worth :-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hurtnlost
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 12:37am

No They say you are not suppose to have sex. I can understand it from the point of wanting to be needed. Feeling less rejected. I never dreamed my stbx would have ever betrayed me like he did. We had a great sex life. I thought for sure he would come around for sex just for sex. Interesting, I guess he had USED me enough.
When taking legal action they make a point of recording your last cohabitation/possible sexual activity. Makes a difference in the timeline of things.

Please tell me you won't do it again. You are too vulnerable. I kind of wondered about those 3 bottles of wine??!!!

My stbx probably would have called the OW over for a threesome! LOL
Don't mean to offend anyone. Not alright by me in anyway. Just being sarcastic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
In reply to: hurtnlost
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 9:09am

Thanks - I don't plan to let it happen again.


For the record - this wasn't the same night I had posted about earlier (e.g. when we told the kids) - we actually had wine together again another evening last week (which is when this happened).


The whole thing is still surreal to me. I am sure he will be coming around looking for it again - I know him well enough to know that he still wants me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
In reply to: hurtnlost
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 12:36pm

I also slept with my STBX but from a different angle. I left him back in Sept/07..he was the one still in love, so he says.


He moved his new gf in a month after I left the marital home..we have been together 18 yrs.


I didnt see nor speak to him for a few months, but I was in a bad car accident in December. He helped me during that time and we did sleep together 3 times. I did it because he begged me to (he was drinking) and I did feel sorry for him.

~Lisa  =))