Sex Post Separation w/STBX
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| Fri, 08-11-2006 - 3:43pm |
I am newly separated. Things have been tough, even though I was only married for 10 months before moving out. My STBX has a drinking problem. He is not alcoholic per se (I have been in the business, so I do know what I am talking about here), but he has had consequences of his drinking, in the past a DUI 5 years ago, and does have a personality change with drinking too much (usually about 4 beers). He would be better off not drinking at all, or only having 2 beers max, that's just his personality. Anyway, that did lead to the breakup of our marriage, and his unwillingness to realize that it WAS a problem. He of course uses the excuse that it was his bad marriage that made him do that.
He got mad one night and moved my things out (I own my own home and we were getting it ready to sell). He said it was a separation so he could think and sort things out, however, he told me at the time that "we needed to get divorced", I sought counseling alone (because he wouldn't attend-until I went), and came to the conclusion that I needed to file on my own. I did so, and proceedings are under way.
After lots of talking and arguing between us, we have come to some understandings and get a long better than ever. The only thing we can't talk about is divorce related and my attorney tells me this is a common situation. So, we have been talking (it took me in counseling to resolve some of these issues for myself, and he has never gone-even alone). I had an unexpected surgery about 3 weeks ago, and things changed between us, about a week or 2 prior to that. It was posssible cancer, and I still have more tests for checking other areas. So, It took about 2 months of us not talking, or arguing when we did to start to get along.
My whole issue is this though, -- we both love each other very much, although we aren't "in love' with each other. We support each other now, more than ever. We had a HUGE series of unfortunate circumstances happen to us in a very short time, that we just couldn't make it through. One being his exwife and mother of his child continually going to court, my husband losing his job of many years (RIF) only 3 weeks after we were married, (the list goes on of very traumatic and life changing events, married or not).
The "problem" is now that we get along well. Sex is an issue, as in we both want to. Sex was the ONE thing that was never a problem in our marriage. I have no problem with our situation right now. However, I worry what it could bring for the future. We have dinner with each other, cook at each others houses, go out, etc. See each other for movies, and also started having regular sex with these visits. We both want to. Our divorce should be pretty "easy" as far as dividing anything up that isn't already, but will probably take another couple months. Neither of us is dating anyone, and that was never an issue in our marriage either. I have talked to people that said they had sex with ex for 2 years after getting divorced, and of course, those that wouldn't go near the person once separated. So my question is, do I bring this topic up with him as far as what limits we need to put on this. I remember the first time we had sex after being separated. I emailed and asked if he had been with anyone else because we didn't discuss it, we'd been married and it never even occurred to me. He said he hasn't and I do believe that, also he was never the type of person for a one night stand, etc. He said he could never have sex with someone else and then have sex with me. I know I would never do the same thing either.
So, when does this stop? Even though things are very good, We won't reconcile because there are things I won't live with in his situation. I have no desire to date, and wouldn't even consider it until the divorce was final if I did. I get hit on at work and can't take it, I am just not emotionally ready for that type of lifestyle.
Do I set some limits/expectations with him regarding sex. The rest of the realtionship is good now too. But I feel 'weird' about this.
I have addressed it with him and he said he would never have sex with someone else and then me...(multiple times). I'm afraid to keep bringing it up with him, but I am sure there is something I am missing that I should be asking or saying.
Any ideas, thoughts? I don't see us stopping at this point, so that's not my question, but if someone has experiences or ideas that tell me this is bad...then I would reconsider. But we do love each other, have had more fun together in the past 2 months than we have in a long time....

Wow. See, my marriage was over, over. No talking, no possibility of sex. I never would have, anyway. It just brings in too many emotions.
I hope you don't think I am being too pushy, but here goes:
I think you are in a second honeymoon phase. You weren't married that long, and you had terrible things start to happen as soon as you did get married. You are living apart, so you don't have the day-to-day pressures of each other dragging you down, it's like you are dating again. Then you have had a real scary experience with cancer, which is on-going, and sex is one of the easiest ways to reaffirm life and celebrate life and your body. It's easy with him, it's good and "safe" with him - so why look any further, right?
Of course you don't have any desire to date anyone else - you are dating him. Regardless of your marital status. It's easy. Also you haven't been apart long enough to grieve for him or for your marriage.
I think you need to decide what you want - what you need. If this is what you want, what you are willing to settle for instead of a marriage, then so be it. He will never, ever change if you continue to let him enjoy all of the good parts of being with you (dates, dinner, sex) and none of the bad. And you will never change or move on if you continue to lean on him and use him for what makes you happy.
What if he met someone else, came to you and said "Ok, I've met someone else, I want to sleep with her, I can't sleep with you anymore". You'd be hurt. So why are you doing this to yourself?
You've already decided you can't live with this man. You don't want to be married to him. You need to cut the ties, no matter how "fun" it is, and how good the sex is, if you want to move forward with your life. It's not fair to either of you this way. You are living half lives - not quite good enough for each other, not quite bad enough to say good bye.
Aren't you worth it?
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
PS. My divorce has been finaled a year.
Hugs, Brenda
Thanks :)
That's ok, I was willing to hear negative responses as well. I'm open!
I think in our situation, the marriage was so short and the decision to divorce was made so quickly (even though, I believe appropriate) that there wasn't any 'separation' time, or discussion until suddenly.
I moved out in a matter of a day, and had no contact with stbx for 2 weeks. I decided myself over the following 10 days, that I was filing for divorce.
He had thought this was going to be a trial separation, and we were going to see what would happen from there. He was shocked to be served papers, so he says.
However, I think had we dragged the process out, our situation would have been different. I think we're using this pre-divorce separation time, as time to sort things out. It was definitely the right decision, in the end, but for many different reasons than most people here have.
I think I am asking now, also, because this has come up fairly recently....we didn't get along the first month of separation, but we really didn't even have any contact, either. He fixed some things at my house and that was about it.
I can't predict the future, or how the actual divorce will go (I'm pretty sure that part will be ugly), but we will likely always remain friends/in contact to some extent in the future.
I am sure we will get to the point when we don't really care one way or the other if we see or talk to each other, also.
I actually know our next hurdle will be his nephew moving in with him the end of September. I feel very strongly that he contributed (among many other issues in a short time) to the demise of our marriage, and I won't be having contact (in person, anyway) with stbx after nephew is back in the picture.
So, whether it's a month, more or less, this definitely won't be a long term thing for me. I want to move on....right now, I don't see an immediate need, but most importantly, I'm not ready, even if he wasn't in the picture.
The hard part is having a good post separation relationship with him, we are able to work together to do anything we need related to insurance, etc.
I have just never been one to end up hating ex's of any type, anyway. Maybe things about them, but I can always justify/take responsibility for my part in the breakup too.
What is the deal with your stbx's nephew? If you don't mind me asking.
I am glad you want to move on. I hope you find what you are looking for. I found mine and didn't even know I had it. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Jenny:
I am a male here and since you asked for other opinions, I will give it to you. I am sure it will be worth every nickel you pay for it.
A divorce to me is saying "this relationship is not only unhappy, but unhealthy". It seems to me with the very limited knowledge I have of your situation that either your marriage should end or it shouldn't.
My own situation is almost precisely the opposite of yours. That is, we were married for 25 years and we never had a good sexual relationship. We never had sex while we were married much less now after. So I may be really unable to speak to this but here goes.
If you still care for this man, maybe reconsider whether you should divorce. If he means that much to you, maybe there is still hope for your marriage. You didnt give it much of a chance at less than a year. I don't mean to criticize by saying that, but since I am a little older than you (I assume) perhaps a greater lifespan makes me a little more patient.
If he is unwilling to acknowledge his problems you may have no choice, but if so, you should set your course to establish your own life. There will be others with whom you could be compatible sexually. Hanging on to him out of comfort's sake may just make the transition that much harder.
In sum, my view is you're in or you're out. Keeping him in your bed keeps him in your life. If you want the one you will need to have the other. I think others here may agree with me.
Rediscovering
Hi alone_jenny!
Pianoguy was gonna write you directly, but thinking your situation over a little...thought his response should be shared with the rest of the villagers reading your thread.
First...I sincerely hope there are no further traces (or even a suggestion) of cancer in your body. It's a disease that should have been cured by now, but I guess our government is more interested in DESTROYING LIVES (with the war overseas) than saving them?
My question to you is this.
Is "a loveless marriage" where the 2 of you are living in different houses...but still supporting each other...worth keeping?
If your answer is YES...then neither one of you has an issue EXCEPT FOR THE SEX! And one of you is going to have to bend when it comes to accepting the lack of it...or have a "change of heart" about having it in the future?
I've heard stories of couples who don't have a problem "being there for each other whenever necessary"---but I know if I was in your situation, I'd have a tough time making the adjustment from passion to just being your PAL? Most men (unless there's a health issue) like to feel that their sexual affection for a partner isn't going to be COMPLETELY GONE!
The alcoholism your husband CAN eliminate IF HE REALLY WANTS TO! And if he hands you a line of crap that he can't...he's only fooling himself!
But completely eliminating the option of any serious cuddling or going a few steps further would be a difficult chore for me...and probably most men who enjoy being in your company?
Pianoguy