Sex with STBX

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sex with STBX
9
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 7:11pm

Sooo, what is with this phenomenon? My stbx wants to have sex and I've obliged him a few times. We've been separated for a little over a month. We don't live together, but circumstances and the kids force us to see each other a lot. We are trying really hard to stay friendly and help each other out for the kids and to "honor our history". But, what is up with the sex? Why does he want to, but he still wants a divorce? Why do I say yes, even though I know deep down that i shouldn't? Why is it better now that we are separated? We tell ourselves that we're just doing it because we know we shouldn't and that "it's just sex", nothing more. But sometimes I wonder if there is something else going on....I've been reading lots of books on divorce and I know that I should "let go" and distance myself from him...

So is it possible to remain friends w/ benefits with a stbx? Or am I fooling myself?

Does anyone have any advice on this subject?

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
In reply to: mkatyb
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 7:42pm

I would love to have answers to this one also. My H and I have been seperated since May 22 and no talk of whether we are going to divorce or not has even been talked about. We have had sex several times since he has been gone, I just now have the last 2 weeks turned him down. I have done this because I feel like I will never get anywhere if I keep giving into this. As much as I love and want to be with him I do not think this is the answer to fixing our issues. But I would love to hear what others have to say. I know my friends say he just wants his cake and eat it to...who knows!

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
In reply to: mkatyb
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 10:33am

Oh man!!!!! Been there done that, and I am sure all situation are unique, but I would say stop it immediately. Women love with their hearts. Men love with their heads (not too sure which one).
If you think you would have any regrets of sleeping with your STBX after finding out he is dating, or flirting, or having another relationship on the side...You better stop now.

Trust me I am speaking from experience. They don't have sex with you because of emotional ties, they are having sex with you because they are "in the mood".

BE CAREFUL!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mkatyb
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:24am

It's never "just sex" when it's your EX... and if you want a friend with benefits... find a new friend!


But that's just my opinion.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: mkatyb
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 12:58pm

I am astounded that this happens! Almost to the point of not beleiving.

In my case, my ex had deprived me (and thus the marriage) of sex for five years by the time we seperated. And in the mean time, she had belittled and insulted me (physically, emotionally, sexually, etc etc) every single day we were married.

The thought of sex with her is emotionally frightening and repulsive.

My ex took her first husband through family court a few times to get more child support out of him. She had threatened that she was going to dup him into sex on the premise that she was going to report him for raping her even though she "forced" herself on him. Never did get a straight answer on that one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
In reply to: mkatyb
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 6:38pm
I pretty much knew it, but really needed to see it in black and white from an uninvolved party. Thanks for the honesty, guys!

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
In reply to: mkatyb
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:29pm

Been there, done that too. After over 30 years STBX and I still had great, and I mean GREAT sex. But since even before our separation a year ago, it is just that...sex. I came to the point after several sessions with him that I don't want to "just have sex". I want to make love with someone who loves me. I want the emotional connection that I know two people can have during that intimate time. He may still be my husband legally, but in my heart, and I believe in God's eyes, we are divorced. At this point I don't want to have sex with anybody. Well, I WANT to, but I'm not going to for religious reasons. I know when the right person comes into my life, sex will once again have some meaning to it. It the meantime I will not be used as a recepticle.

Just my 2 cents.

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
In reply to: mkatyb
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:09pm

Been there done that. We did that the last 2 times we were seperated and guess what we got back together and guess what we are still getting a divorce. I think we felt lonely and like it was OK because we were still married but it just blured the issues. I got it in my mind that it would all be OK. So it was a bad deal and I dont recommend it because ultimately we are still getting a divorce.

Shopgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
In reply to: mkatyb
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 1:07am
It's sucks doesn't it,single and wandering who is going to feel that "need", then the ex suggest sex, it's so easy to say yes, and so hard to say no. But I said yes too many times. Sex wasn't the issue in our relationship, up to the day we seperated we had sex every night. Sex was great, but that was it. He told our neighbor when I kicked him out, that I would call him back home when I was wanting to get laid. What a DICK! I loved that man, and I still do, but I still think he is a DICK, and I know he is probably having sex with someone else by now, and I don't want what he might get from some skanky girl at a bar, which is probably where he will be picking them up, using that poor me, I am going through a divorce line. Just say no!! Eventually you will meet someone else who deserves being with you, because you will always have feelings for him, however men don't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
In reply to: mkatyb
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 7:09am
I guess I'm lucky (???) because I haven't had those issues. I am so full of disgust and anger at my h that I just couldn't consider it. I have tho, slept back at our house and in our boat in the same bed, mostly so I could spend time with my son. I slept in the same bed, but politely decined through non verbal means any overtures he made. For me it's a matter of trust, and I know he's psychotic enough that if I responded favorably to him, the next morning he would continue to disrespect me and think he had me in his sights. I can't help believe that that emotional connection I used to think we had when we made love, that feeling of truly being one entity, being half you and half him, was an illusion which I participated in alone. It was devastating to realize it, and I don't want to go there again.