sex.......vomit--maybe TMI

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
sex.......vomit--maybe TMI
9
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 9:01am
Although I am desperatly trying to get to the divorce stage, the fact remains that sex is still an issue in my marriage. My husband is very old school. The woman is to keep her mouth shut and her legs open (quote-unquote by husband) Do any of you know what this is like? I had to do this last night and I scrubbed myself clean last night afterwards. I hate it. There is no kissing (thank God) no foreplay (thank God) Our routine is: he gets up and closes the door-gets undressed-gets the KY and applies it-tells me to get undressed-it lasts for about 3 minutes tops-but then it is over-I go take a bath and cry and go to bed. Wow-what more could a girl ask for. Thank God it is usually only once a week. I hate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:55am
That is not "old school", it's RAPE, and you need to get yourself out of that house. Leave! Do not be in bed with this man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:18am

OH, PWINLALALAND - That's just awful. Beyond awful. No one should ever, ever be treated that way. Can you safely say NO? If you can't, I agree - get out now. That is rape. Go to your mom's, your friend's, or a shelter for victims of DV, but leave today.

If you are sure that you can say no safely, than go sleep in another room (and lock the door!). Do not allow this man to treat you this way. He is doing it to demean and control you. He wants to prove to you that you have to give him what he wants, and he doesn't have to give you anything. You don't have to put up with that. That is an act of hate rather than an act of love. No decent person would ever act that way.

Please continue to let us know how you are.

Rebecca

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:24am

PW:
I just read your "Please help me" message. Please just take your kids and go. This is a dangerous situation. You should not be in it one more day. Your kids should not be in this situation one more day. The best Christmas present you could give them would be to remove them from this toxic situation.

Hoping and praying for you,

Rebecca

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:52am
I just wanted to post to let you know that sex in my relationship has pretty much been very similar to what you have depicted in your note - KY, 3 minutes, no foreplay and all. STBX has a very high sex drive - mine is pretty much non-existent mainly due to the fact that he has put me down for years criticizing my body (I am about 10lbs overweight), the way I perform - you name it - he wants more raunch, wants me to talk about what it was like with the other men I was with. I can't stand having sex with him! I do what I have to just to get by and "keep the peace". I agree with the others - from your other note as well - your husband seems very abusive and controlling. I think you need to just leave. STBX and I are trying to keep things together for the holidays so that there won't be a dark cloud over the occasion for our daughters for the rest of their lives. But it sounds like everyone in your home will be happier without him there. You are in my thoughts.
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:20pm

It looks to me like you are in the divorce stage... perhaps you are waiting for a good timing, but what you describe is mental cruelty, and definitely some kind of rape.

Old fashioned? no dear. I'd say, incredibly selfish! there is no old rule that imposes that kind of treatement on a woman, even if you look at the bible you will find kind and tender descriptions, nothing like that terrible act of hate as you describe it.

Be strong, and find a way to walk out as soon as you can, before you get more hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:50pm

Again, WOW!

I don't even know what to say. I agree with the other ladies, this sounds like rape. (i had a similar issue with my stbx, however not as extreme. i stopped having sex with him in february because of it. he throws it in my face all the time.) Please find a way out, and stay safe. There should be a local number or hotline for domestic abuse/violence.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 8:57pm

Dear Pwin,


Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:38pm
Thanks so much for the replies and concern. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow. I wanted so badly to wait until Christmas is over. I know I can endure it for that long--I have been in this for so long now. I used to wonder how people could say that they can "remove" themselves mentally from a situation--I never knew how you could do that--but I know now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 4:08pm

Do come back when you can, and tell how you are doing, and what the lawyer says, and how you are coping. I am sure many of us will be thinking of you!!!

Best of luck and be brave tomorrow. Keep your chin up!