Sharing old friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2005
Sharing old friends?
4
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:11pm

I'm in a situation here that is really hurting me and I'm not sure why. Since the divorce, X's friend and his wife have been hanging out more with me. They go out with me and my new BF. They've helped me when I needed help moving, etc. They have had virtually no contact with X because they did not approve of the way he handled things with our kids.

So the wife of the friend and I have become very close since we met. She doesnt like my X and really doesnt feel comfortable around them. But she has never really met X and his new GF. She has only heard my stories of how it all went down.

They ran into X and his GF last night. She emails me telling me how they may go out with them or something. I think this is totally fair because of X's friend. I understand they have the right to still be friends. But the whole things makes me feel like total crap! I mean... I think it's just her. I think I'm jealous because I'm afraid that my friend will become good friends with the GF (who was directly involved inthe divorce) and that I will somehow lose part of our friendship as a result.

Oh Jeez! Someone please just tell me how to deal with this emotionally. It makes me feel so awful. I honestly just want to go home from work and cry. Why am I feeling so bad about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:15pm

iwishiwishgirl...

Pianoguy suggests you tell this woman OUTRIGHT that your EX is AN EX! And as much as you enjoy the friendship the 2 of you have...you DON'T WANNA HERE ANY MORE STORIES ABOUT THE EX...and whatever he's doing!

If your friend can respect your wishes...GREAT! If that's impossible...YOU SAY "GOODBYE" and find someone who isn't gossipy and judgemental.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:28pm

I think she can go out with them and not necessarily befriend the gf, and still be friends with you.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:17am

I kind of know how you feel. My friends can't stand my ex. We did most of the "couple" stuff with his friends from before we were married. I don't feel bad about his friends sticking with him, but it bothers me that they just accept his new gf and don't even say anything about him leaving his wife and child. One of his friends is our dd's godfather and I guess I sort of expected him to tell ex not to move 500 miles away from his child to be with gf, but I know that was my expectation not anyone elses.

In the end, I wouldn't want updates from your friend when she goes out with ex. That is the part that gets to me and I can't do that anymore. I don't want updates from anyone. I know my friends will never talk to him and his probably won't talk to me. I guess that is life after divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 5:20pm
first how you feel is how you feel - no right and wrong. its hard enough experiencing a divorce, having to see them b/c of ties with the children, complicating things with friends is tough b/c you probably just want to move on best you can and not hear the stories.
I have a similiar situation - but in reverse...an amicable no kids divorce, the one where everyone says thank god you didn't have kids b/c you never have to see him again. I pushed for divorce after 3 years of counseling going nowhere and after his announcement that he changed his mind and didn't want kids.it was a very painful decision but I made it and he didn't want it, he told me to just get over it..- I moved 52 miles away, left him with everything in house, told his friends (one that was a very close friend but his best friends wife) that i loved her but in the interest of us both a friendship would only bring hurt (i'd know what he was doing, he'd know about me etc).
As of today - he moved around the block from me, insists on sharing our DOG, refused then delayed divorce paper signing and keeps in touch with my friends husbands but to the point of joining a club with them all. (He also has like 10 best friends that he grew up with - so he's not at a loss for friends.)
Its been 3 years and I'm engaged to be married - my friends husband love my fiancee but don't always include him b/c technically my X was there first and they don't want him or themselves to feel uncomfortable. My ex tells them all of his sex dating stories or tries to bring his new G/F to meet them which then gets passed onto my friends and causes arguments within their marriages. I tried 3x to talk to my ex - explain to him that its uncomfortable for all...he doesn't have to stop being friends, but just stop trying to grow the friendships or keep his GF out of it. he told me he can be friends with whoever he wants ... technically he's right.
Yes I agree that my ex doesn't want to move on - but I am too disappointed in my friends husbands from not seeing this and helping the situation - but its not their place either, can we really ask them to get involved??
So - I agree with you that there are so many levels to divorce and even when you think its over its not....we can't control others just ourselves and if your friend can't keep the stories and the gossip from you then you need to distance yourself from her. I know it sucks but if it will keep you from being hurt then you have no choice...me I plan on moving again and not telling him where!