She was a control freak

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
She was a control freak
5
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 7:09pm

I see a lot of the posts here are from women who had husbands who were the cause of the divorce. Well my wife pushed me away, and by the time she realized the error of her treatment of me, I was no longer interested in being married to her. She was a sad woman who wanted everyone to be sad with her. When she could not get her way, she yelled, screamed until I gave in and I did this for the better part of 15 years.

She would use any excuse to make me feel bad. I lost my last job because she kept calling me home to take care of real or perceived emergencies until my boss was fed up. After that she got a good job at a hospital and since she could not handle the boys' energy, it was agreed that I would stay home and she would go to work. Now mind you, I was also a touring musician and was gone maybe two or three weekends a month. But through the week, I cooked, cleaned dropped off and picked up from school, grocery shopped, did laundry and all she had to do when she came home was eat, talk to me and maybe have sex. she would have the sex mostly on weekends, but it was always a chore unless she was in the mood.

I had the boys in bed by eight so she could relax, but she walked the floor all night because she wanted more from me attentionwise. I would talk and I was full of passion for her, but she told me she didn't like cuddling or talking about sex because it might lead to the act itself. so I had several affairs on her. Not saying this was the thing to do, but I was lonely. She would go to bed by 9pm and I would stay up until maybe 11pm winding down from the day. I needed companionship and she was not there. Finally I left her for good after threatening to do so on three earlier occasions.

After two months, she drove up, dropped the boys off with their clothes and Nintendo and told me she never wanted to talk to me again. So I'm back to doing what I was doing minus her presence. There have been changes. I'm starting a job this tuesday and I may quit the band to devote more time to the boys. I'm angry a little, regretfl more because I gave so much of myself, but I am surviving, mostly because these mini clones of mine need me to. I will make them available to her whenever she desires and I know she will one day. I just wanted to let everyone know that men experience these betrayals too. She is doing much better now and she does speak to me cordially. I don't expect her to be my friend, but we do have to raise these boys. I am happier without her and I wish her well. They say you should marry your best friend which I did, but I would say rather that you marry the person you can't live without. I am dating that woman now and look forward to a future that we will definitely take our time walking into.

Jazz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 8:00pm
Jazz, it sounds to me as if your ex wife is manic depressive or suffering from some other form of depression. Has she been receiving any treatment or counseling? Maybe now you are out of her immediate picture you will get the opportunity to step back and look at her behavior more objectively and help her seek help so that she can be a parent to the boys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 8:52pm

You may be right. She had been to a counselor before and we saw three marriage counselors before separating, but I have no idea where her head is now. She gets the boys every other week for 24 hours(her choice), and other than that I have no real contact with her. I would like her to be the best person she could be, but I have no idea how to accomplish that if she won't talk to me. I don't want the boys to have to keep going through the emotional ups and downs we put them through before I wised up and stopped arguing with her. I suppose time will tell if things will level out. If she'll come talk to me as an adult and cut out all the yelling. We'll see. Thanks for your insight,

Jazz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 9:26am

I'm glad she has some visitation. Maybe if that goes well for a time she will regain confidence. She sounds completely overwhelmed---not that she is more overwhelmed than you are, but that she is capable of less than you are right now.

Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 9:36am

Thanks Watershed,

I have my good days and bad days, but I can keep up with them. I asked her the other day how her health was and she hasn't really answered yet. I will give all this time. There's nothing else I can do anyway. I sometimes wonder if I need to go back and cater to her more, but that only lasts a few seconds. She's almost forty and needs to grow up. I was doing everything for her and it nearly killed me. It's time to live now.

Jazz

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 11:46am
Jazz, Thanks for sharing your story. It's nice to hear from men. My husband also pushed me away and we were married for 21 years. I reached the point to where I had had enough and couldn't take it anymore. Now he's happy to make me look like the bad guy to our kids (your mom is breaking up the family, etc.). He was a screamer and a yeller too and now I don't have to listen to it anymore. I too have met someone special and I feel alive again for the first time in years. I would say that I was emotionally divorced for the last 3-4 years of our marriage. I am glad I took the chance to break free to at least have a shot at having a better life instead of staying in a volatile, miserable marriage and growing old alone. Belinda