shed some light for me please?!??
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shed some light for me please?!??
| Mon, 01-08-2007 - 2:08pm |
hi girls..i need some advice. i am in the middle of a divorce. it's been in the works for like 8 months and my "husband" is still so angry at me, andf not in a place where he can communicate with me about our children. how do I get him to understand that no matter what happens between us we have to be able to talk about our children! example-new years eve, my kids are sleeping over at his sister's house. my 6 year old son tells me that he, his 5 year old cousin and aunt, watched the wicker man. i am livid. I tell my kids father, and he is kind of acting like it's no big deal. My son had trouble getting to sleep because of images from that movie. Thankfully this hasn't been an ongoing problem (him getting to sleep) BUT he has not talked to his sister, about how inappropriate that was. I'm so tired of this with him. I know it's never easy to go through divorce. Add to the mix we still live under the same roof and he knows i've moved on, also the fact he is not working, and doing who knows what to pay the bills, I am working 2 jobs, and he is left with the kids for the majority, on and on..anyway how do I get him to get a clue about this stuff, so I feel like we can still parent our children, even when we are not together?? I feel so hopeless about this, and it's so important! Anytime I've tried bringing this up, he either gets very defensive, or acts like a child and talks over me just calling me names "get out of my room bitch" over and over until I walk out of the room. He is impossible, and I really need some help~ Thanks!
Robin
Robin

You asked: "how do I get him to understand that..."
You don't. There is no way that YOU can make HIM understand anything. You can only do your best to be a good mom, and wait. You can hope that he will improve someday, but I wouldn't put a lot into the hoping, because it will probably bring you only frustration.
There are couples who are mature and responsible and can co-parent well. That's great, but not always possible. In a case like yours (based on your description of his reactions to you), I think your goal is to separate your lives as best you can. You will have to stop looking to him for things, and he must stop looking to you. You must stop thinking or caring about his life, even sometimes when it impacts the children.
He is their father. He makes the decisions when they are in his care. And until you can prove that he is a clear and present danger to them, that will continue. Sometimes he will not be the kind of father you want him to be. He may forget to feed his kids regular and healthy meals. He may let them watch scary movies. He may let them stay up too late in the cold night air. That won't be your business anymore. It will take a long time to reach acceptance of the situation. But it sounds to me like that is the situation. (Here's hoping I am wrong.) I wish you the best of luck.
Hey Robin,
sorry to hear how tough it is for you right now. I do have to agree with the other poster right now.
The trick for you will be letting go and letting him parent in his style when he has the kids. Years ago, when I had my first child, I read an article about how many moms obsess about the way other people(usually dad) cared for the babies. They didn't like the way the others diapered, dressed, fed or played with the kids. The reality is, that unless the children are exposed to a dangerous situation, you have to find the strength to look the other way. You will all survive and you may find that at some point in the future the two of you will be on the same page as far as caring for the children is concerned.
What is the AA prayer? Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the abiltiy to accept what I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. (something like that)
This looks like one of those things you can't change.
Good luck and lots of hugs.