she's a stripper and she cheated

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
she's a stripper and she cheated
10
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 2:48pm
So i left my H in November, i was confused, wanted to be single, since i got married so young, i though something was missing from life and i had to go and pursue it. I took my H for granted, didn't think he loved me anyways..but he pleaded for me not go, and i didn't care and did anyways...I moved out, met other people, and so did he. He truly shocked me, i know he couldn't wait around forever and cry, so he met someone right away and she moved in 2 months later to "our" house. We have joint custody, and my kids stay with him, and i hate the fact that's she there, sleeping in "my bed", while my children are present, but there's not much i can do. Well, i realized that i made a mistake, and he's the man of my life, and i love him still, and i want to come back. I tried to tell him that, but he gets very upset and says he doesn't trust me. So i decided to be patient. Just today, i found out from a very good source that his girlfriend, is not a bartender, she actually a stripper, and more, she was cheating on him. Aparently the person who she cheated with is very angry and wants revenge, he wants to expose her to my H. What should i do? Should i get involved are all? My H is full of morals and still he doesn't care to live with a stripper, what kind of moral does that give my children, if they have find out? He has kept this detail from me, for some good reason.. He doesn't know about the cheating, and i truly want him too, cause he hates the fact that i have been with other man (after we seperated) and told me that, if this girl does something to him, she's out! What should i do? I want my husband and my familly back together...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 2:55pm
Well, I don't want to judge you, but you did make the decision to leave. Your post almost sounds like my situation in reverse. After my husband and I separated, (which he wanted at the time more so than I did), I was hurt and devastated but I moved on and met someone else fairly quick (not intentional- it just happened). My bf and I moved in together pretty much right away too. My ex wanted me back afterwards but it was too late. Did you expect your ex to sit around and pine for you forever? You said you've been with other men since your separation, so why is it ok for you to be but not for him to be with another woman? And as far as leaving your kids with him, well, I won't even get into that. If I had kids, I would never have left them. I have dogs, and there is no way I would have even left them with my ex. It sounds to me like you really hurt your ex so it may be hard to get him back now. I'm just curious as to why you left in the first place....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 2:59pm
Getting involved will spell trouble for you, when it really has nothing to do with you. Telling him or getting involved is not the way to get him back. If he happens to find out about the cheating from someone else, fine. Remember, people like to kill the messenger. If he's going to come back to you, it won't be because you exposed his gf for her true self, it will be when and if he's ready to start over with you (and that will have very little to do with the gf or his relationship with the gf).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 3:07pm
Jikaf, i have not left my children, they spend one week with me and one with him him, only because i think the kids need him too and he is a good father....Never in life i could do something like that, i think you misunderstood me. I have never exposed my children to another men, they have never seen me with anyone, i will not confuse or hurt my children in anyway possible...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 3:10pm
I have every-other-week custody of my dd too, and I believe that this is a very responsible choice when you know that it's in your child's best interests.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 3:20pm
I think that is very important, the kids are the most important thing here and i realized that i don't want to spend a week away from my kids, and the kids from me the rest of my life, i want them to be with both of us all the time, because that best choice for them. I don't want to share my child with stranger, i feel jealous of the time the gf spends with them...but that's another issue, i want to be with them all the time. The issue here is that he hid the fact about her profession to me, because he knows that is not a good row model for my kids...I will not get involved on him finding, but i do want him to, cause i am looked as the bad one in this picture...i never cheated on him, i only slept with someone else after my seperation was legal. I know he doesn't lover her, she's just there for convinience, to replace me, cause i left. But i want to go back, and i think that if he knows what she is really about, she will be gone from his life, and i can have more chance with being with him again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 3:30pm

I think you are oversimplifying this. The reason he isn't taking you back is not because she is with him. If she was gone from the picture, it does not mean the two of you would be able to work it out. You see her being there as a barrier to you going back, but I think it's the other way around. The fact he is not willing to take you back at this time is a separate issue from him staying with her. Their relationship very well might end, and nothing may change about your situation. Maybe he'll dump her and decide to be alone for a while.

He does not have to tell you her profession. I don't tell my ex everything, and it's not because I think he will disapprove, it's that it's none of his business. I understand your concern about her profession, but being a stripper does not automatically make her a bad role model. It is possible for her to keep her profession separate from her interaction with the children (and it is very likely that she does do that).

I do understand the jealousy you feel, but you have to fight that and keep it out of the picture for now (meaning don't let him know you feel that way when it comes to her interacting with the children). If you do, he'll just turn it around that it's your own fault for leaving and that takes energy away from your goal (getting him to give you another chance). When you do have the opportunity, keep letting him know you are sorry and you want to have another chance, without saying anything negative about his current choices. Stay positive and there is always a chance he might change his mind. But also you need to be realistic and plan for the very possible liklihood that he won't change his mind. Sorry to have to say it that way ((((HUGS)))).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 8:33am

Firstamendment, what do you mean when you say:
"You see her being there as a barrier to you going back, but I think it's the other way around.", can you explain?

thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 9:26am

She is there *because* he won't take you back vs. her presence being the *reason* he's not taking you back.

Something in his heart tells him he's not ready to take you back, she really has nothing to do with it.

Does what I'm trying to say make sense? I know I'm not saying it well.

I was thinking of it as a chicken and egg dilema, which comes first? Does he stay with her because he won't take you back, or does the relationship itself keep him from taking you back? In this case, I think the fact he is not ready to give it a second try would be true regardless of him being in a relationship with her, with someone else, or in no relationship at all.




Edited 5/14/2005 9:29 am ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 9:36am
I feel that her being will there bring more advantage to her than me, like every minute they are together will bring them closer. I feel very insecure, that he will fall in love with her and i will loose him for good...i can't stand the thought of him falling in love with her. We almost got close to being back together again, but i wasn't ready and he got mad at me. Know i feel i'm there and he's not, he's still very angry at me, because i hurt him really bad, and if i could take it back i would in a second, but i can't, i caused him so much pain, i am so sorry...but i want to be with him again, i miss him so badly, and i really don't know what to do or say. He said that he thought that i was the one, the woman of his life, and that he wanted to be with me forever, but after what i did, by leaving him i really crushed him. He always comes back saying "remember you left me!", and i know he's right, but i regret doing it, i should have never, i want to be with him and be a familly again, and i hate that i only realize it now. Can it be too late? If he falls for her, i think i will loose him for good, and that will be very painful, and a huge punishment for what i have done...it's all my fault, i am and i was my worst enemy...i truly am sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 9:41am
You have to let go of the things you can't control. You can't make him want to try again, you can't keep him from falling for her. There is one way this will play out and the best thing you can do is let it happen however it will happen. Keep telling him how you feel and that you want to try again, but also give him space to figure this out on his own. He will reach the decision that is right for him, and hopefully it will be the one that includes you too. I'm afraid if you try and force it to happen before he's ready, it will all fall apart again. You let it happen naturally if it's going to happen at all.

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