In shock
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| Sat, 05-19-2007 - 8:30am |
This is my first time posting. My husband of 7 years recently told me he is no longer in love with me and he wants a divorce. We just moved into the house we had built and I just gave birth to our 4th child. I am just in shock, the whole thing seems like a bad dream I can't wake up from. Everything was fine until I had our last child, then he started acting strangely, not spending any time with me and the kids, yelling at us, staying out a lot and drinking, spending a lot of $$$, so much $$ I could barely pay the bills. Now the children and I have to move into a little apartment and I have started working fulltime from home (luckily) and I will have to put the kids in public school (they have been homeschooled). This is just a shock to me, the kids, our whole family, I feel so betrayed and hurt. I feel there is probably another woman involved which hurts even more. Marriage isn't fun for him anymore, he wants to party and date other women so he is done here.
I know everything will be okay eventually but WOW, I feel devastated.
I just wanted to vent.

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry that you're struggling right now. Shock is a normal part of the process.
I highly recommend that you see a lawyer before you make any major changes- ie: moving out of the house, enrolling the kids in school, etc. Find out what your rights are rather than assuming the worst. If you were a SAHM you will have the right to support and it's possible that you may be able to stay in the house with the kids even if it's only for the interim.
Don't let having the rug pulled out from under you put you at a disadvantage. Take good care of yourself and your babies. You'll all be fine.
Oh honey, I am SO SO sorry. Pardon my generalizations anyone else reading here, but men can be such scum! Turning their backs on their children, their wives, their responsibilities. It is just stunning to me! And there is a whole industry (counselors, lawyers, child-psychologists, financial planners) who don't bat an eye in the process and treat them like they have done nothing wrong -- just business as usual!
My stbx is a troubled person who is exercising very poor judgement, especially with regard to money and, at this point, as awful as it will be, I think it is better for me to be separate from him.
Not better for our children, however. I too am a SAHM and returning to school and work is going to really deprive my children of my time, attention and energy. I loved my life with them, especially now that they are a bit older (5 and 6 1/2), and I think the harm done to them by their father's decision is a sin for which he will have to pay on judgement day -- divorce is a life-long tragedy for children -- not a one time event.
All that having been said, we have to do our best to take care of them and their poor wounded psyches in this process and take care of ourselves and, ironically, keep things with thier father as positive as possible for *their* sake.
I know where you are at this point -- writhing in pain. Take action (lawyer, etc) as a positive step and make sure you get the max you can financially to care for the children and yourself. If you can afford it, work with a child-psychologist to formulate a parenting plan (and help your stbx realize the impact his actions will have on his innocent children). Look for schooling/work that will fulfill you and allows you a gradual transition to full-time work.
God bless you and stay around the board--there is lots of support here!
M
Don't rush into anythig. I would contact an attorney (mediation maybe?--in my experience, much less expensive and less friction). You need to know your rights and your children's rights. I would think you would be entitled to stay in the house until your kids grow up and are entitled to a decent amount of child support for 4 kids. At least, I would hope so......at any rate, find out what your rights are. If there is another woman, that might work in your favor if you ended up in court?
Anyway, it is hard. Hug your kids and remember how lucky you are to see them grow up everyday. I had to go back to work. At first it was part-time and now I am preparing for full-time. I miss my kids terribly and have a hefty dose of mommy-guilt walking out the door everyday. I hate waking them up and taking them to the sitter- they are so sleepy in the morning! But at the end of the day, I can't wait to come home to them!
I don't understand how these guys just walk away!