shocked and confused daughter
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| Wed, 03-02-2005 - 7:01pm |
I am a 35 year old married mother with 2 young boys. I found out this past weekend that my parents marriage is on the rocks. My mom is ready to get out. Are there any boards for adult children dealing with parental divorce?
I had no idea there were any problems, except that things seemed a little tense last time I visited. I will try to keep a long story short (which I'm not so good at)...he's been dishing out heavy emotional abuse for years. He's nice when other people are around, so no one knew, not even me. They live several hours away and we visit for weekends many times a year. I remember what he can be like, when I lived under their roof (17 years ago), he was always yelling and swearing, flying off the handle at the littlest things. I guess I naively thought he mellowed in his old age. I feel horrible that she has put up with this for years and I was oblivious.
My mom is now skin and bones, cries all day and can't sleep. I worry about her health. She doesn't think he will change with therapy. Apparently things have escalated over the last several months. It's so hard...I told her I would be supportive of her whatever she decides but I feel I can't encourage her to leave him without "taking sides", and although I'm pretty angry with my father right now, I don't want to alienate either of my parents.
What can I do to help them? To help my mom? I feel I can't talk to my dad, who doesn't know I know about any of this. I'm afraid he will take it out on her for telling me (he's very controlling). I'm worried sick and angry and I don't know what to do. 38 years of marriage!
CW

if she decides to leave...
as for your mom, i think (in no particular order) you could help her by:
making sure she has legal representation
a place to stay
support, either a group, or a website like this, or a therapist
help setting up her own finances (checking, etc)
it sounds like shes been controlled her adult life basically. it will be a long healing process, please be patient with her, as im sure you will be because you sound like a nice person.
i know you feel like you would be taking sides. im afraid i dont have any advice on that.
i know this isnt much to start, but feel free to ask us anything! im sure other members of this community who have adult children would have a lot more to add to this.
best of luck,
lots of hugs to you
:)
Welcome to the board.... and you are more than welcome to post here.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I agree that when both the parents are reasonably healthy and capable, it is best that the grown kids avoid "taking sides."
But you wrote that your mother has been verbally abused for many years (which destroys one's self-esteem and the ability to take decisive action), and you wrote:
"My mom is now skin and bones, cries all day and can't sleep."
Your mother is ill. Helping a sick parent is not "taking sides." She probably has situational depression, she needs a doctor and/or psychiatrist. Get her help, and see that she has a place to stay and heal.
Thank you all so much for your support. I sent my mom a long e-mail last night (no one is answering the phone anymore it seems). She e-mailed back and mentioned she has a dr appt tomorrow, thank heavens. I was so relieved to read that. Also says she thinks she is probably "trapped" with him because of health insurance. She is self employed. I encouraged her to find an attorney to find out about stuff like that. She is so sure that she will be left with nothing but the clothes on her back and thinks there is no way she could financially make it on her own. I have no idea what she is entitled to and what she isn't. It's heart-breaking to think she might stay with him just because she thinks she has no choice, for financial reasons, and spend the rest of her life miserable and tormented.
Thank you for being so welcoming and informative...I'm going to check out that book too...
CW
if all else fails, it may stil be worth it even if she would have financial difficulties!
i left my ex-h (who made a very good living), and actually i did end up with nothing (in order to get a divorce it had to be no-fault, and if i had tried to keep anything of mine even he wouldnt have let me divorce him).
so i had a period where i literally had to live with relatives and had nothing. no money. i dont mean SHORT of money, i mean NOTHING because he even had all my savings.the money i made at work didnt cover my expenses even so i racked up credit card debt.
i still have no medical insurance, and barely get by.
but you know what?
its worth it.
my big fear in leaving was i didnt think i could make it on my own either.
now i dont live in fear anymore, i actually smile, i have friends again and now a great SO. i will never again go back to a house where im screamed at every day.
and that is worth any amount of financial difficulty.
it will be harder for her, im sure. i was married 5 years, she has been a lot longer. but please help her understand she can go through with it if she wants a divorce.
:)
best of luck to you
keep us posted
I'm not sure just how old your mom is.... but making a call to check health insurance rates might be a good call to make.... and, if she's approaching 65, Medicare will kick in to help out with medical expenses.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~