Should I call OW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Should I call OW?
16
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:20am

STBX asked me for a favor last night - in return he will do me a favor. He wants to send the kids and I on a weekend trip (superbowl weekend) so he can bring OW 800 miles to visit him. In return, I get to stay in the house until I can move into a condo I will be purchasing (closing s/b 3/1). He hasn't paid me for 1/2 the house yet (still waiting for bank to close on his loan). I of course cried and asked why couldn't he just wait until I was out of the house. He tells me it's going to happen. I can't stand the thought of her being in the house one day and I'm there the next. What do I do?? I'm so freaking angry and hurt right now that I just feel like packing myself and the kids and moving who knows where.

I feel like calling this woman and telling her we are technically still married, still living together, and in the process of a divorce. She know he has kids and that we work together but that is it. She doesn't know I still live with him. He has told me that he would "FLIP" if I called her because she has nothing to do with our problem. It is his choice to do what he does. Do I call her and ask her not to come here until after I move out? I'm so lost and confused right now. He is just making this horrible. Thanks for any input.

Brenda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 11:37am

I have a similar situation, (out of town OW). STBX and OW are going to refinance the house and buy me out (so he says). If she visits the area she does not stay at our house, she gets a local hotel room and he stays with her there.

I would tell your H that he can get a room somewhere with her. This is the sort of thing that should be in the marital settlement, timing of who moves etc. You don't have to leave the house until his loan closes and you sign a quit claim to the house when you get the money. He could force you to move, so I would get some temporary housing lined up just in case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 12:02pm

He's a disgusting human being. I would keep my a** parked in the house all weekend with the kids and let him figure out a solution himself. It's his problem, not yours. He can't just kick you out. It's still your place of residence too.

I would probably call the OW too because he's not only disgusting, but he's deceitful as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 12:09pm
I know just what you are going through. I finally did call the OW of course when she saw my name on the verizon caller ID I had to leave a message. I said: STAY AWAY FROM ME HUSBAND
She is married. my STBX is married and what they are doing is totally disgusting to me. plus she is up and up in her church. puke.
I went through all kinds of torment trying to decide whether to call her. or her husband.
I told them to put a stop to this now! He is not divorced yet. So as far as I know they have stopped most contact. but I think he is afraid of her husband DUH!!
Boy I dont know what to tell you. I have been Overreacting to the point my kids are worried about me. I think I am over reacting to the point that even when we divorce and he gets with her or anything they may try I will be right there in front of them. my son says that is harrassment. HA what they have done wasnt harrassment to me?
I think he is realising now, that the way she is so skillfully deceiving her husband he is worried about that. plus he has not even seen any recent pics of her. So I have put this image in his head she is this fat (yes she said she was heavy) anyway these pictures of this fat woman with a butch haircut who is a member of this cult (church)
He remembers this little 21 year old from 30 years ago. I said why hasnt she sent recent pics?
I dont mean to start venting again. I always do that. I try to help someone and there I go getting self absorbed in my own heartache.
Its not healthy for us. But like you said .....how do you stop? Your STBX must be like mine, they cannot understand at all why we dont just cry for a few days and then be over it and move on.
I still keep trying to hang on and yes that makes me insane. after what he has said and done to me I want to hang on? we had a troubled marriage but I still dream about THINGS being different? PUKE
I think its only a few hundred miles up to where she is. I may go up there and meet her and let her know what she has done to our lives the last couple months. My H sneaking with all his emails and constant talking on the phone. now I think it sucks that verizon has free incalling with other customers as she is a verizon user too.
I do think that she owes me an apology.
If I were you I would NOT leave the house so they can go there and get it on. NO WAY!
that is your home. you are living there. do you really want her in there? are they going to buy separate sheets , put them on the bed then take them off.? Do you really want her sitting on YOUR toilet? may be ok if you could flush her down at the same time lol
I know my stbx says he will flip if I call her anymore or ever confront her. he says its not all her fault and her husband may beat her to death. oh poor baby I am thinking.Well my soul and heart have been beaten to a pulp.
Your stbx is using you to stay in the house then asking YOU to leave so they can be there alone.
I would say DONT do it. if it were me I would NOT even leave. I dont care how Inconvenient that makes it for him or them. He is lying to her too by telling her he is not living with you. You are living there. how can he make you and the kids leave by blackmailing you with his Plan?
Dont pack the kids up and move. You deserve more than that. you are the mother of his kids and if he cant put you and them first then so be it but dont fall for it.
Yes my stbx says this OW has nothing to do with our problem too. yeah right.
What is he going to do over the weekend? hide all your extra clothes and personal effects? If I knew my stbx slept with OW in our bed I would burn all the bedding and haul the bed off and make HIM by me a new one.
so he says like my stbx that It Is Going To Happen anyway .......the divorce. so? it hasnt happened yet. you are still married. thats a fact. who knows what could happen? what if she falls for someone else in the meantime and then he decides what he is doing is not what he really wanted then look at the pardon the language scummy residue on your things and your house? Oh I couldnt take it.
but if he is threatening you or blackmailing you so he can get this little deed done then maybe you will decide to play his game. if you do , dont feel guilty. so if you do or do not do........just love yourself and dont feel guilty about anything you do. THEY are the guilty ones. you have to do what is best for you emotionally, financially and in all ways.
Well kiddo this is advice from a very angry woman this morning so hang on till someone who is not in this situation (in such a bad way) can help because they can look through different colored glasses.
Ha I know what you mean about freaking ANGRY I am too. I didnt know I was capable of being this angry. I think they all owe it to us for the OW to apologize that she came into our lives while we were still married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 12:19pm

If you clear out, it will be so that he can perpetuate his lie. He has not told her the truth, and he will jump through big hoops to hide the truth from her. Part of me wants to say that you should have a lawyer write up a contract with some juicy stuff he will give you in exchange for your cooperation and silence, LOL! But that is the dis-honorable part of me. The honest Me says that no one should help this man to lie.

You know the situation best, and will make the best decision. Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 12:26pm

I defintitely blame the husband when there is an OW. But, SHE has a role that she's playing in this as well. I would NEVER come into someone else's vulnerable relationship and "steal" a man. The OW is just as guilty. No respect for marriage vows, selfsish!

But, as for leaving the house... Hell NO! There is no way that my husband could tell me to pack up the kids and get out for the weekend so he could be with his OW. That is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard! Stand your ground and take up for yourself and your dignity. Why should you have to go hide away for the weekend while he gets a good ole time? Crazy!! He definitley should get a hotel or something himself. Or, go see her!

Anyway, about calling her... Not that it's the right thing to do, but I'm sure that I would call or email. In fact, when I found out/discovered my husband's "inappropriate relationship" with his co-worker, I emailed her almost immediately. I wasn't mean or nasty, but told her that I was uncomfortable with their relationship and that it needed to stop.

Good luck with this.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 12:38pm

Ummmmm, NO!!!! No. Just NO!

Say it calmly etc. It is still your home and the children's home and you are still married and NO he cannot bring his "Paramour (the legal term, btw)" to the house.

Sorry, I probably shouldn't put it so strongly, but gee whiz!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 12:41pm
There is no way I would go! I would stay there till it is my time to go. I would make him go find a place to take his OW. Oh and I would call her and ruin his happily ever after story he thinks he is having. Some knight and shining liar! by not telling her the truth about you. Men are amazing at times
Avatar for sportsnutmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 1:47pm
Wow, he's got a big set of b*lls on him. No, you should not leave. It's your house. If he wants to bring his whore to visit let them get a cheap motel, that's what they are right? cheap? Calling her will not do any good. If she is carrying on a relationship with a married man she has no morals anyway and won't give a crap about how it looks or how you feel. Be strong, stand your ground and stay in your home. I'm sorry you are going through this, it gets better, it really really does. Let us know your decision, I'm curious to see how he will react to this! Huge Hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 3:03pm
I am also thinking that if overreacting has filed for divorce that there must be an injunction or whatever its called against harrassment. we have one in Idaho and it says either party can go to jail and be fined for harrassment. (ha I better calm down LOL )
What do you all think? Dont you think him asking her to leave the house so the OW can come to visit is harrassment? wow I had another word to put there but changed it. I will just let you guess. overreacting maybe you can tell him about the papers against harrassment and that he can go to jail if he indeed does blackmail you to leave so "IT" can come there for the weekend. I would think him lying to someone and saying you arent living with them is harrassment against you too. Use whatever strategies you can find to put him in his place.
I say!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 4:15pm
that sounds like a bunch of crap - the good news is, you do have the upper hand if she doesn't know that you are still living there & he doesn't want her to find out...guess could be a form of blackmail? i know that women especially can get pretty emotional over divorce etc., but i would simply do what is best for me & the kids - if he has the power to make you leave before you have a new residence then i would consider his "offer"...if not & he has no power, then i would tell him to go...you know...lol...as far as calling the OW, i wouldn't unless he was uncooperative in some manner & it would be to your advantage - it sounds like he is a major insensitive jerk, who doesn't give a damn about your feelings & you are lucky to get rid of him...i know it would have to be an awful feeling to know they were in your "home" etc...but it's part of the acceptance process & you have to focus on your new life w/out him & that would be a starting point - even if it seems it's unfair & being forced down your throat :(

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