Should I end my marriage?
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| Fri, 07-14-2006 - 9:56am |
DH and I have been married for 8+ years and we have three small children (7, 5, and 3).
DH and I have some serious marital issues we're trying to work out, which I think can be.
However, there are other reasons that I think we should separate.
DH has an explosive temper, which once released, is difficult to stop. And sometimes it's difficult to predict what or who will set it off. It was bad enough when it was directed at me in front of the kids, but it's becoming increasingly directed towards the kids. He's always been impatient with them and intolerant of their misbehaviors, but now he's getting angry when they don't meet his expectations, which are set way to high for such small children.
Case in point. Two weeks ago, as I was coming up the stairs, I heard him berating our 7 year old for not holding her hamster's cage properly while he was trying to clean it. I couldn't see what he was doing, but I could I could hear his voice, which was so nasty and derogatory. I immediately stepped in and told him to stop. He then turned his anger towards me, which twisted as it is, I was thankful for since it was no longer directed towards my daughter.
He just went off on me . . yelling, cursing, swearing, name-calling, etc. I'd had enough of that, since it was his standard way of figthing and told him that he couldn't do this to me anymore and I was no longer to going to be controlled by his temper and nasty words. It was a liberating experience for me, but only short-lived. I found my daughter hiding under her bed. At first I thought she'd done that to escape our fight, but I found out through a friend she'd later confided in that she was hiding not from me, but from her father, since she was afraid he'd come back at her, grab her arm and start screaming in her face again.
When I told DH about it, it didn't seem to register with him. I really don't think he's aware of what he's doing when he launches into one of his tyrades . . . not that that excuses it in any way. He's been 'good' since then, but I don't trust that it won't happen again. And I know my participating in these fights make me just as guilty as he is. It's unhealthy and toxic. My children don't deserve this.
DH and I sat down and talked on Wednesday and I just put it all out there. He asked if I could commit to working things out with him, no matter how long it takes. And I told him that I didn't think I could because I no longer trust him when it comes to his unpredictable behavior. I know he needs help, but I'm don't want to risk my children's safety and self-esteem while waiting.
We are seeing a marriage counselor next Thursday. I want his advice on this, but I also want to hear from others who can help.
Please be brutally honest

I would always encourage a married couple to stay married and try to save their marriage until absolutely everything that can be tried has been tried. With the following caveats:
-- one or both of you is a drug (including alcohol) addict.
-- one of you is committing felonies.
-- a clear and present danger to others, as demonstrated by a pattern of real assaults.
When I read your words, I get a sense that you are choosing descriptive words that are inflamatory and dramatic. You are describing your husband as sociopathic and predatory.
When your husband has out bursts, has he ...
--- ever hit your or the kids ?
--- does he start to look or reach for something that could be a weapon?
--- has he been arrested for felonious assault recently or in the past?
--- blacked out and not remembered what he did?
--- injured himself?
If he is an active felon, addict, or a sociopath/predator, stop reading. Report him to the police, have him arrested, and immediately start divorce proceedings, including restaining orders. If he's swinging at you or the kids, its time for jail and you do not help anyone by avoiding legal consequences.
I want you to distinguish between behaviour you do not like (or even find frightening) versus your husband is truely a dangerous individual. Many of us, myself included, relive childhood emotions during hightened emotional states. And during those times, you may (MAY!) be projecting and perceiving your fears into the situation, ie, your baggage is warping your perception of the situation.
It sounds like both of you could use a stint of counceling. Seperately to start. Please be sure to find someone who is associated with a psychiatrist.
If I were to guess, I think your husband is clinically depressed with panic disorder. I say this because I have the same kind of symptoms, and I have had the kinds of "symptoms"/problems your husband has. In my case, I describe panic disorder as follows: imagine if your adrenalin level was 100% on, all the time. Imagine how you feel when you are frightened for your life, and that's the feeling you have forever, never ceasing, never calming down, day in, day out, awake or asleep. It leads to compulsive behaviour (as a mental distraction to stop the awfulness of 100% adrenalin) hyper-awareness (quick motions in the periphery of my vision are noticed instantly and make me jump), and long stretches of insomnia (6+ months at a time). After years of counceling, I started medicating under the care of a good doctor, and together we searched for the proper treatment (drug and dosing).
After that, I could manage a normal life. I could not have imagined how much better I could feel and function. And I did not realize how awful it feels to be in a panic disordered state.
Unfortuneately for me, my ex wife was mean spirited, nasty and controlling. She relied on my depression as an excuse to treat me badly and mask her own issues and behaviour. Her tag line was always "If you would only xxxxx, then I'd yyyyyyyy ". It was great for her because she wouldn't ever have to do anything, and I was always to blame.
I changed, it was difficult, and it took years. As I was improving, it became pretty obvious that both of us were lousy together, but she wanted to remain mean spirited, nasty and controlling. (She would hit me while I slept, she would berate me in front of the kids, she wanted to know to the penny what I spent money on, she wanted to know where I was minute by minute, she would not ever touch me, she cut me off sexually for five years, she cheated on my constantly, she would accuse me of cheating on her in front fo the kids and her family, I never got a birthday, anniversery or chirstman present. And there's still more!)
So your husband needs a bit of work. Once he can get calmed down, he needs to realize that adults are gigantically larger than children, and physical contact when angry is almost always a bad idea.
Don't put all the blame on him. You play into the total family dynamic, so you have an equal share of it. So you need work too. And not just because you feel that you have been abused by your husband. Your family dynamic is not working and getting worse.
Imagine that some magic spell is cast, and your husband is a perfect man tomorrow. What are you like? How are you going to react when every bad thing in the family dynamic is your fault abnd everyone blames you? How will you deal with the fact that the spotlight will be one you alone when anything goes bad?
The point I'd like to make is that you may be relying on your husbands bad behaviour to excuse yourself from dealing with conflict and confrontation. Conflict and confrontation are part life. And people raise their voices and yell. That's normal.
As to the family ... The most important relationship in a family is the husband and wife. When that does not happen, the kids will start to act out. And let's not forget that children are both irritating and manipulative. (Anyone who says they can't get angry at their kids is lying.) When a child has a special relationship with one parent (like when your kids are sharing their fear of their father), its titaliting to them. And its harmful both to them, and to the marital relationship. The marriage is now clearly less important to the children, and the kids will run the household.
Please consider these things. Please try to work out your marriage. If your hard work still ends in divorce, you will at least know that there was nothing else left to do!
Good luck.
Thanks for checking in on me. I really appreciate it.
DH and I went to counseling, and we have another appointment coming up. For the most part, it went okay. You can't really get into things in just one session--just covering the basics took up most of the session. And we have our daughter seeing the counselor as well.
The therapist told DH that he needed to pay me more attention and help out around the house and with the kids more.
He told me that although DH was raised in an alcoholic family that he is capable of expressing himself and showing how he feels--but that he has to want to change for it to happen.
He's supposed to tell me everyday how special I am to him and how lucky he is to have me in his life. It's happened a total of 5 times since then (twice verbally, and three times written in letters). And he's reverting back to his old ways of showing me how he feels by buying me things.
And one of my biggest problems is that I've recently realized that through all of this that at some point, I let my DH go. I let him out of my heart. And that's been really painful. I'm just not sure what to do about it. I am meeting with our therapist on my own, so that should help.
The kids head back to school in a few weeks, and I'm starting a full-time job, which will only make it easier for us to ignore the problems in our marriage, so I'm glad we started counseling when we did. I'm just not sure how things are going to change once September comes.
Any advice?
Thanks for listening!