Should I file for divorce?
Find a Conversation
Should I file for divorce?
| Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:35pm |
My wife left me the day before new year's eve. I was very mentally abusive and was very mean. I was just so frustrated that I was not providing for her the way I should that I ended up taking it out on other people including her. I am pretty sure that she never wants to see me again. I am wondering should I file or should I wait for her to.
I had an accident at work and am receiving a very large settlement. I am debating whether or not she would take me back just because of that :(
I am unsure of what to do.
Jerrod

Pages
Have you been talking to her? Are you in counseling? If you want her back, you are going to need to do some work on yourself to figure out why you were abusive and how to stop (I have no idea how you do that other than therapy, and I'm going to assume it's not easy, I do know you should seek out a counselor certified in abuse counseling). The fact you realize what your actions were and the consequences of them, means you might have a chance of turning yourself around (whether you can save the marriage or not is a question only she can answer).
There is no rush to file if she's not filing and you want to try and reconcile. Just start working on yourself and your issues, you need to do that if you ever want to have another relationship and not hurt the person you are with. I know my ex and I talked and both got attorney's at the same time and agreed together I would be the one to file, so if you are talking to her at all, you might want to ask her what her plans are and what she wants.
Hugs to you!
I am sorry you are going through the separation pain, but it sounds like you acknowledge and understand the problem at hand :) for that you get a big fat CONGRATS!
Now the next step is to work on YOU. I think we have to be happy with ourselves in order to be happy in a relationship. Find out WHY you were abusive and mean. Find out the core of the problem and that my friend, will take some time.
What you have to do is take a risk, you have to work on you and take the time to work on you. Hopefully, once you can work on you can go back to your wife and say, hey, this is what I have done. Give me the chance to show you... be her friend. What your risking is that she will say yes or no. But, definitely something to work towards.
You really have to be happy with you.... never ever ever say never and remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
Hugs to you and please keep us updated!
Angelena
"I had an accident at work and am receiving a very large settlement. I am debating whether or not she would take me back just because of that."
I would file as quickly as possible and not tell your wife that received the settlement (unless you already have). Many women today are motivated by solely money when it comes to relationships, and I fear if she knew you had a windfall that she would do everything in her power to get her piece of the pie. Protect what is yours and get a divorce...
It sounds like the OP's motivation is to save his relationship. I agree that if she would come back to him soley for the money, then the relationship is not worth saving. But saying "many women today are motivated by solely money when it comes to relationships" is a generalization and not very helpful to anyone, including the OP. Maybe this is true of women in your life, and if so, then you might want to explore what criteria you are using to choose relationships. I do know of at least one woman that fits this generalization, but it's not at all fair to assume the OP's wife would be the same way *especially* considering he admits he was abusive to her.
Edited 4/15/2005 2:23 pm ET ET by firstamendment
I don't think he knows if she will reconcile, that is his problem. It sounds like right now her interest in filing for divorce is to get away from the abuse, and if he can solve that problem then perhaps she would come back to him regardless of the money. I agree with you that if he temps her with money, he will always have that nagging question. Also, if he temps her with the money and doesn't go to counseling and work on himself, he may turn abusive again and then they are right back where they started.
I am not sure how much money we are talking about or what other assets she has or he has, so who knows if she can take him to the cleaners or not, but it sounds to me like she's gotten the raw end of the deal so far so telling him to protect himself from her isn't necessarily what he should be focused on IMHO. I'm going to take a guess that she knows about his accident and that he was seeking a settlement for it (those things usually take time), and she left anyway, according to him to get away from the abuse and his treatment of her. So that is what I am basing her motivations on, that she probably doesn't care about money she just doesn't want to be abused any more.
Frankly, steinberg, if the settlement has already been paid it's too late for that. When a divorce is filed, assets are usually frozen in some way and division is decided later. Basic fact of law, unless you're advising the poster to conceal the money. Of course that would be a bad thing to tell someone because he could get into trouble. I'm sure you wish him the best.
Lbcyo, do you really want to be "taken back" just because you've received a sum of money? Really, think about that. Besides, it wouldn't sustain the relationship.
"Too many men have been taken to the cleaners, and he very well become another."
Yes, and too many women have become destitute and impoverished after a divorce because I man was unwilling to pay child support. Your point?
"I'm sorry but I lost interest after you stated that you were very mentally abusive and very mean to your wife. Maybe you should focus on that before you think about your settlement from work. Do you really think that that will undo the damage you've done? Maybe other women on this board will be supportive of you but not this one."
Lbcyo, you need to realize this is a women's website that also happens to be extremely anti-male. Unfortunately men do not have many support networks in our society - it's just a fact. However, there is a growing movement in America regarding the rights of divorced fathers. Too many men were getting financially and emotionally devastated by demonic ex-wives who receive way too much alimony and often refuse to let their ex-husband's see their children. Just know that there are resources for men in your situation, but they are harder to find. You will not get any real help from the people on this board...
I was absolutely CERTAIN that my post to the OP was supportive and helpful. I think others were too. You can pick out one unsupportive post and attack that and hold it up as evidence that this board is unsupportive of men, but that is simply not true. I believe very strongly that men get screwed in custody cases, but that is because the system is flawed, and judges make decisions and women go in expecting and knowing that they are going to get sole custody almost every time. If we can change the system, and EXPECT divorced parents to get along and work their problems out, and make joint physical custody the default unless one parent refuses to cooperate (or both want one parent to have sole custody), and the parent who refuses to cooperate is the one that loses out, and custody does not automatically go to one parent or the other based mostly on gender, and if we can make all those changes in the system, then we would be much better off IMHO.
I share some opinions with you. But I do not share the opinion that this board is unsupportive of men or a hateful place. It is not. You saying it only reinforces your belief that it is true. There is no way you will find any board where you agree with all the posters, or you like what they all have to say. But by and far the majority of members on this board do have open minds and are here to receive support and offer help to each other.
Pages