Should I file for divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Should I file for divorce?
24
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:35pm

My wife left me the day before new year's eve. I was very mentally abusive and was very mean. I was just so frustrated that I was not providing for her the way I should that I ended up taking it out on other people including her. I am pretty sure that she never wants to see me again. I am wondering should I file or should I wait for her to.

I had an accident at work and am receiving a very large settlement. I am debating whether or not she would take me back just because of that :(

I am unsure of what to do.

Jerrod

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:20am

Although I welcome other perspectives, I do believe you might be pusing the bar on this one.


I don't get alimony, my ex husband cannot keep up with child support payments and all of a sudden started cancelling his visits with the kids because he "didn't have money to buy food and diapers for the kids "


He lives with his girlfriend, just bought a used van ( paid cash ) and new appliances for their apartment and she works. They have no children together.


I didn't ask for alimony, when he cancelled this weekend I offered to send food, diapers and other necessities over to his house from my house and he STILL didn't take the kids or pay ALL of the child support.


What did I do? I said I understood and told him to take it easy. I also offered additional time with the children on an "off weekend" and wished his girlfriend ( of whom he cheated on me with and then left me for when I was 4 months pregnant with our second child ) best of luck ( her father is ill )


I think when you state that we are male bashing women, you should probably realize you are ex wife bashing. We love other perspectives and have a lot of male posters on this board. This is NOT just for women. I know in my own posts I clearly state that it shouldn't JUST be women bitching and there are men who have issues too.


We all hurt in divorce. No matter what way.... it happens.


Hugs to you and we hope you can find our support useful in your time of need.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:47pm
What you said was completely untrue. The posters on this board were swift to be very helpful and accepting of this poster which I completely admire and as usual I am amazed at the strenth, generosity and helpfulness of the posters on this board (men and women). You picked out my response, and no I don't feel generous towards this poster because my STBX is very mentally abusive and I cannot believe this poster wrote what he wrote (albeit I give him credit for his honesty) and then talked about his money. I was probably being unfair. Too many men excuse their abuse (in the many forms it can come) as if it doesn't really mean anything. Yes, their are women who are abusive too, but let's face it - the reality is that it is mostly men. I think the poster found many helpful things from the responses here - including my own, even if it meant that he might focus more on making amends for what he says he put the woman thru. Anyway, for you to only focus on what I wrote, proves indeed that you are the one guilty of woman bashing and you refuse to acknowledge any of the other things written here. As I said, maybe I am not so objective now, due to my own situation, but the women here are amazing. And so is the poster here that is a regular, Pianoguy, a man who is helpful, kind, gives great advice and leaves people feeling that his words come from wisdom and good-heartedness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:58pm
I am not sure whether you were trying to infer that I don't have an open mind, because of what I posted to the original thread here, but believe me maybe that poster could also find something helpful in what I wrote. I don't feel like being supportive to a man who states he was very cruel to his wife. I do happen to have a very open mind and am not anti-male I am just very pro-women. I'm sorry firstamendment, I have read many of your responses to people as well as my own, and forgive me for saying this, but you seem to have a holier-than-thou attitude in your posts. I feel like you are giving advice from above because of the therapy you said you have gone thru, as have many people. I believe my post was helpful too regardless of what you think, maybe it can open the mans' mind to what he put his wife thru in the first place. I resent you stating what you did, and acting like your post was helpful and mine was not. Anyway, you are not the only one who can give valid advice and I think I am quite supportive of people on this board. Maybe you need to climb down off of that pedestal you seem to have put yourself on. Please don't attack me for what I said, people, I really felt the need to say it, and I'm sorry if not everyone agrees, but it's how I feel nonetheless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:23pm

This is what I said:

>>>I was absolutely CERTAIN that my post to the OP was supportive and helpful. I think others were too. You can pick out one unsupportive post and attack that and hold it up as evidence that this board is unsupportive of men, but that is simply not true.<<<

What I was referring to was your statement that "Maybe other women on this board will be supportive of you but not this one." I can completely understand you not wanting to be supportive of an abusive man given your current situation, I don't think you should have to and I am guessing the OP would agree with that. I was only saying your post was unsupportive because you said yourself you were not supportive of the OP. When I said I was certain my post and others were helpful to the OP, I said that because he was saying that this board is unsupportive as a whole. Just because a woman coming out of an abusive situation (rightfully) cannot feel supportive towards an abusive man does not mean this board demonizes all men (as the poster I was responding to has suggested). I hope that makes my point more clear. I was not at all intending for anyone to read it as an attack on you, or trying to say you did not have an open mind. You are right that your post may have been just as helpful (or maybe more so) to the OP than any other post because of the position you are in. I cannot know what the OP thinks and I should not have made any assumptions about that.

>>>I'm sorry firstamendment, I have read many of your responses to people as well as my own, and forgive me for saying this, but you seem to have a holier-than-thou attitude in your posts. I feel like you are giving advice from above because of the therapy you said you have gone thru, as have many people.<<<

My only reason for being here on this board is to help people. I am sorry if you do not like the way that I express myself, and I can only hope that others disagree with you. If you have any specific examples I would be happy to address them and clarify, and I am always open to constructive criticism, but unfortunately I can't do much with a general statement about my attitude. I can assure you it's not because I've been in therapy. This is just who I am. I feel I have a lot to offer here because I am a child of divorce, I was abandoned by her father, I was raised by a single mother, I am divorced mom myself and I have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex. I don't look down on anyone here (I guess that is what you mean by 'giving advice from above' and 'climb down off of that pedestal you seem to have put yourself on') and I don't think it's fair to accuse me of that.

Maybe if enough other posters agree with you, you can all get together and ask me to leave.




Edited 4/18/2005 2:26 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:28pm

Jerrod- I am someone who has recently had her H removed b/c of likely what you say has gone on with you. My X never could provide, b/c of alcholism, rage, depression & never being able to keep a job - whether b/c he got fired b/c he was miserable, or b/c he quit all the time. Either way, i stood by him over & over. from the beginning he felt i as "above" him. I have a couple college degrees, I have a very close supportive family & i have a great career. All things he never had ... but neither was he WILLING to try. & never EVER did i hold him to those standards, HE did.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:36pm

I personally find your postings informative, helpful, and well-thought. I definitely want you to continue posting here. I have learned a lot from you (as well as many other thoughtful ladies on the board).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:42pm
I am so sorry, you seem to be such a wonderful person, never attacking only giving advice. I was hard on you and I'm sorry. I have a lot of anger now and I seem to be venting it on the wrong people. You do give very helpful advice, no one would ever take you off of the board because you are truly helpful. As I wrote to steinberg(7381?) I am truly amazed at the generosity and spirit of the women of this board and you are no exception. I just thought you meant to say that my response was not valid since it was not supportive of the man who wrote in. I feel so bad for what I wrote you, since it is not the first time I am writing you and you have been nothing but helpful, kind and non-aggressive. Forgive me. I took what you wrote the wrong way, I am very sensitive lately and it is true measure of a person who can continually respond kindly even when an unkind word is said to them. I guess I"ll just stay in the background more until I am not as angry as I am, and only respond when I can do so in a more loving, supportive manner.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:54pm
Thank you. I may seem tough, but I don't have as thick of skin as one might think. I believe this is a safe place for your anger and I completely understand why you have it. Hopefully being part of this board can be a way for you to get rid of some of it. What you are going through might be one of the hardest things you will ever face, right? So don't be too hard on yourself. I really appreciate your response, and I'm glad I could clarify what I meant by my post. I don't think you should stay in the background.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:55pm

Hi smiley.... I think that we can all understand how you're feeling.... and see the sincerity that you just wrote.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:59pm
Thank you.

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