Should I go Back???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Should I go Back???
6
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:00pm
Help My friends think I am a fool!!!!. we were married for 25 years we have two teenage sons 15,17. I left him because he lied to me about finances and we lost our home and tried to save it by filing bankruptsy. We lost the house and he told me with 3 days notice we had to move. he has a huge prograstnation problem too. the sad part is I still miss him. I was with him longer than living at home with my parents. He said he would go to counseling. that he misses his family do you think we could start over or should I say goodbye.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:07pm

Hi there :)


25 years is a long time to give up.


Hugs to you for all you have been through. I do believe that those problems can be worked over. It will take some time and some concentration on both parts. As long as he is aboard, you can do this together. SLOWLY.


Hugs to you and good luck.


ANgelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:48pm




I am sorry for all your troubles. i have a biiiiggg problem with liars. but ----- i am wondering if your husband is serious about getting therapy? has he sstarted to seek therapy on his own - for HIS problems? and what did he do that made you lose the house- what were the money problems?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 3:39pm
thank you I needed to hear that!!!! We signed divorce papers last Monday to file with the courts. I told him that we could date and go to church on Sundays and find a counsler to help us and that maybe in time get remarried. But he has to prove to me that he has changed and has stopped lying to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 3:51pm
it has always been about the money and not being responsible for the bills. But I am to blame to I let him take care of it. thinking he can be like my father. Now I have to take care of everything because I am on my own in the apt. I have never been alone so this is a good lesson to learn. I hope the only thing he has lied about is the money that is why we have to go to counseling or it won't workout.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 3:53pm
I agree with this idea. he should be going to counseling and proving to YOU that he deserves your trust. I really understand that you still love him, and you were caught overguard by the bakruptcy, etc. However, even with the length of your marriage--he needs to start at ground zero and work his way back into your life. In the meantime, my advice for you would be to be kind and loving to yourself. And, a little more food for thought--would you want say your sister or one of your children to so readily accept the apology of a spouse or significant other who underminded them so badly? I don't want to come across as harsh--I just want you to look out for you! Hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 10:14am

This must be a very difficult decision to make. If you haven't done so already, I think you should consider individual counselling in addition to couples counselling with your husband. When people reconcile, they often continue to repeat old patterns. Real change is possible, but only if both parties are committed to making the changes needed to themselves, and changing yourself can be more work than some people are willing to put into it.

You need to examine your feelings - are you considering the reconciliation because you're feeling lonely and being with him seems safer than continuing alone? Or is there enough love left between the two of you that it's worth trying to salvage?

You also need to consider what's best for you and your family. I think as a parent, the best gift you can give your children is a stable home, whether that's part of a marriage or following through on the divorce. Ask yourself whether you can have a stable future together, or will a reconciliation put your family's financial stability at risk again? Your husband may have truly seen the error of his ways, or he may be saying what he knows you need to hear to give him a second chance. You also need to know that these were his only lies - liars will often lie in many areas, so you may be looking at only the tip of the iceberg.

I don't mean to sound negative - I'm not saying you couldn't make this work. I just wanted to point out some things you really need to consider to help you make the best decision you can. You may love one another, but love is only one component of a successful relationship. Before you decide to reconcile, you both need to be committed to making the changes you have to make so you don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

-sang