Should I move out before?
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| Sun, 09-25-2005 - 2:33am |
The wife is very insistant now that either I move out ...or she will go and take our sons with her.
I was informed by friends that I should not leave the house..even if she and I have verbal agreement...cause very likely in NY...if she wants to get pissed off and tell Judge that I left..the Judge will rule in favor of her ..for me abondoning the boys.
She wants to settle things thru a mediator, as we financially can not afford attorneys. But for the past couple of weeks..things seems to have heated up..and she does not want to deal with me wanting to work on getting relationship/marriage going in a good direction.
She had worked thru her Therapist (not marriage one)...that she is at the state that she is at peace with her decision. That for the past couple of years we have not been a couple. That I will not ever able to hear her...can listen..but not hear her feelings. That is totally convinced I can not change. Well, for the past couple of years lots had happened, and we are both to blame. Blaming does not get anything accomplished, rather own our mistakes, where and what broke down..and work on fixing things.
We seperated for short time...she confided on another man on much things...more like an emaotional affair.. I was not there for her, I now understand that I hurt her deeply for not recognizing that years ago. After she asked me to give it another try....about a year later she met a guy online..from all places at this site at parenting..so she said..they started emailing, chatting, even got a pre-paid cell phone. Once, I discoverd all these, when I was about moving on with her emotional affair with other guy...when I discovered this..what was I suppose to feel...So I shut down inside, that I was not going to take it again, and stopped working on the marriage.
But, in the meantime she continued going to her therapist..and have concluded that she not longer will allow me to keep her from living her life, that I messed lots of things for her...that I was not capable to include her in my plans. I was fired about 2 years ago, first time ever..did not know how to deal with it..hid that from her for about 2 or 3 weeks...in the mean time..thought if started my own business..but again I just went and tried doing it without sharing it with her first. And at same period, she quit her job to go back to school to become a Nurse..which I was and still very proud of her ..and proud and happy that she is doing awesome with her studies. I realized couple of weeks that I missed the point of why she did what she did, Forgiving..and choosing to move forward to work on our relationship...recognizing and owning my part of what I did wrong...and lots of what I did not at all. I understand why she confided with these men. But, I knew all along that she kept the pre-paid cell phone..and that tore me apart, and huge reason I stopped trying...cause she told me she was getting rid of phone when I confronted her.
And not that he had met guys online, makes it very very impossible to even speak with her about working on us...she said..it should not be so hard, and does not want it to be hard..cause it has been for so long. Of course all these men are telling her how beautiful, smart, funny, and doing the right thing...you people that have tried meeting people online know about all that...and of course that makes her feel wanted, happy..And when I compliment her with those things...she does not care. She swears that, they are just friends...that she needs to be heard....yeah..they will hear alright..and tell her the crap she wants to hear to boost her ...but in realty, they want to meet so they get into her pants.
I am not an angel at the internet thing either...for several months I tried meeting women thinking and feeling at the time...after being lonely for so long that perhaps let me try to see if these women will like me and such...even wished to meet and crazy that with one..I even mentioned about moving(despite of having my sons here)...that was total whacked out on my part. But, these women had their share of difficulties...they would start talking nice and then turns things like get lost loser, I am meeting others and worst things...I know that it goes both ways with people meeting online. And, if one stops to think about, why if this person is so nice, has it all, decent looking not able to meet someone where they live....ummmmm.
I totally agree that lots happened, she told me that she gave about millions chances...and all that ran out. Chances that I blew off, cause I was imprisoned myself for not Forgiving...for why the second time she shared her emotions with yet another man. She is like final final with her decision. Like can not wait to start living the life she is so convinced will be better without me....more like I feel she can not wait to meet some of these men onlin in person or something. Tho she swears up and down that I am so deadly wrong...ummmm...Like the time we first seperated, 2 days before our anniversay I moved out...and one nite later she went out of town with the first guy. Well, that too is a long story, but do not want to bored much of you. If that is not what she wants to do as she claims, could it be someone she met from work then? She claims that all she wants is to focus on finishing school..making sure our sons are well. And yet, she says...that wishes me well when the day I will meet someone else...and wants for me to wish her to be happy ..if one day she meets someone too. Since she is not in a hurry to want to meet someone..then why she tells me that?
All I want is for her and I able to really TRUST one another...to embrace our relationship, to not loose ourselves in the marriage that we can not dig ourselves out.
To be really good friends, confidant, respect each other, be hero to one another, supportive, have shoulder to cry on, to have fun, to cherish...to bring out the best in each other.
Sorry for the lengthy post.
Best wishes to all ....in your own Journey!!!
Rob

I believe that at least a consultation with an attorney would really help to answer some of your first step questions.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~