Should I start the divorce?
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Should I start the divorce?
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:12pm |
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have two beautiful little girls that adore him. But, two years ago I found out that he was cheating on me with his secretary. I got a call from her husband. They both said it was an emotional affair with a few kisses. They both leaned on each other to discuss marriage and office problems. I stayed and he promised to get counseling (couples and indivdual). But, after a few sessions, he refused to go anymore. He said we could work it out ourself. Two months later, I caught him talking to another girl. Again, he said they were just friends. A majority of the time it was her calling him so I believed him. It's been two year and I thought we were getting along better. We were talking more and spending more time together. Then, this weekend he went to an awards show. I had asked him not to go or we could go together. But, he was invited by a company that he does work for and wanted to go with them. I was angry. I stayed up waiting for him. When he wasn't home by 2:00 am, I started calling him. He never answered. His excuse was his phone was in his coat at the coat check. He didn't want to carry it in the show. Anyway, he finally came home at 7:30 am. He claimed to have been too drunk to drive and went to his office to sleep it off. Granted, our house is 30 minutes away. We discussed and he said he was still having trouble with depression, self-esteem and in turn drinking. He wanted to attend the show to feel good about the work that he was doing. A few of his designs won. I wrote out some ultimateums for him to agree too or it's over. He said he needed to think about it. Do I stay again or divorce him? If it was just me, I would have already left. But, we have two girls that will be devastated. Help!

Hey there...
You know that only you can decide when it is time... that being said, while you're not 100% sure, but may be getting closer to a decision, I would use the time to do some research.... find out what your rights are in your state... open your own bank accounts, if you don't have them all ready... make copies of important papers such as his pay stubs, income tax returns, investment statements, etc...
I can understand why you are concerned about your little girls and their reactions to the potential divorce, but is this the model of male behavior that you want them to learn and think is "normal" whatever normal is? Children of divorce can do quite well and sometimes parents are better parents once they are divorced than they were when they were married...
Take some time, prepare yourself and seek some counseling on your own to help you figure out the best course of action for you and your children... I cannot say that I would be willing to stay in the relationship that you described, but that is easier to say from the outside looking in...
Good Luck and keep us posted!
*hugs*
Julie
Hi.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
If you do decide to proceed with a divorce, you are in the right place. Here, you will find that you can ask almost anything and get really good advice. You can also vent and just say what's going on. It's a difficult road, but I know that my ex and I are better parents now. My kids have conflicting feelings- they are sad and happy, angry and thankful. My daughter tells me daily that I ruiined her life- it's really hard dealing with that. But I know I haven't because she is doing well in school, has tons of good friends, and is thriving. So is my son. Both are in counseling and like to talk with other kids whose parents are divorced.
Telling the kids was one the hardest part of the divorce (mine were 7 and 8). My ex found he couldn't speak (and he was the one who filed!)so I had to do all the talking. I followed the advice from a GREAT book entitled "What About The Kids- Raising Your Children Before, During and After the Divorce". It gave advice on how, when and where to break the news. Most importantly, it correctly predicted the children's responses and provided good advice about what to say. All and all it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The book is awsome. For yourself, get "Crazy Time"- it's a great book that's also really funny. Good luck.
Laura
I have no idea what to tell you. I just want you to know I am thinking about you. It took me about 8 months to get up the courage to walk away from the emotional than turned physical abuse. People will tell you that you should stay that you don't have proof etc. Only you can decide and the best advice I can offer is to go with your gut. If your gut is telling you this isn't right, then it probably isn't. Follow Julie's advice and protect yourself. I hired an attorney about 3 months prior to telling him I wanted out.
Oh and by the way, I gave lots of ultimatums. They meant nothing after a while because I didn't follow through. The 6 months before I told him to leave, I was quiet as a church mouse doing everything I was suppose to. When I broke a "rule" I did it knowing I would suffer but I took the consequences quietly. Funny thing, he knew we were in trouble. He came home from work after finding out he just got a big bonus and said he wanted to upgrade my engagement ring (he never did anything for me, he had promised for years to do it after he bought whatever new "toy" of the moment was. At that time a 60" TV was in his sights). I told him I wanted a divorce the same night.