Should I stay or go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Should I stay or go?
4
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 4:49pm

I guess my screen name says it all. I am trying to decide if I should leave my husband or not and I am looking for some input. We have our little problems, but the reason I would leave is that when he gets mad he gets mean. He gets very angry, yells, curses, and says mean and hurtful things. He gets mad a lot....I would say a few times a week. Sometimes it is because of something I have done or said, and sometimes it is because he is stressed, tired, etc. If we had no kids, I would be gone, but we have 2 small children. I want to make this decision based on what is best for them. I know that fighting parents are not good for kids. But if we divorce, then when my kids are with him they will have to deal with him without me there. He is absolutely not violent and has not directed any of his anger toward them....yet. If he follows in the steps of his father, which he has so far, he will end up being an a@@to the kids as they get older.

Do I suck it up and deal with it in order to keep things as peaceful for my kids as possible and stay in control of their experience....or do I get out now, stop the fighting and set a better example for my kids? All insight is welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 5:09pm

Have you discussed counseling with him? I would try this first to see if anything gets better.

I have always thought that once you have children they must come first in both spouses eyes. They have done nothing wrong and are the innocent ones, their needs must be placed above all.

Take this for what it is worth, my wife left 2 1/2 weeks ago after admitting an affair and even after offering reconcilation she won't even consider counseling. When I ask about the kids she says she doesn't believe her actions are selfish, we don't see eye to eye on that.

Good luck, if the anger starts to be directed towards the kids then get out.

JDW

Avatar for jenn1018
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 7:01pm

Leaving my angry verbally abusive husband was the best thing I ever did for me and my child. We were to the point where my daughter never wanted to leave my side because she was afraid my husband and I would fight or he would be yelling at me. She felt like she had to defend me or step in the middle to prevent us from fighting. Since he is gone, she is opening up and is more willing to go to friends or attend events. He self confidence is soaring.

It was hard and it still is hard but I am so thankful for my peace and quiet every day and night. Occasionally he starts on the phone but I have the option to hang up and not listen if he is being mean.

Good luck to you, I know my choice isn't for everyone but I have never been happier. He was a miserable man who was bringing me down. Now I celebrate everyday with positive thoughts.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:12pm
Sounds like your husband is an emotional and verbal abuser. I grew up with one of those and it had serious consequences on my self esteem and self worth. I take a firm stand on marriage. I will always stand on the side of honoring your commitment and working it out. But before that comes your safety and the safety of your children. He must get help. If he is unwilling to do that, then I believe you should get a divorce. You could always file for a separation first. Maybe he will be willing to go to counseling while living apart from is family. I know it all sounds so simple and if only it was. I commend you for standing up to your abuser and looking for another way. My prayers are with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:03pm
I, too, have two small children, and told my verbally abusive husband I wanted to separate 4 weeks ago. I was tired of being yelled at, criticized, being called names and condescended to. We went to counseling for THREE years, and he tells me I am giving up to easily. These past four weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. All of his anger has come out at me, but I am CONFIDENT that my life and my children's lives will be better for it. I don't want my children thinking that is how a woman deserves to me treated. Good luck. It is the hardest decision I have ever made, and I still feel guilty at times. Do what you think is best for you and your kids. In my situation, that was leaving.