Should I stay or Go???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Should I stay or Go???
12
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 4:27pm
Hello, This is my first time posting on this subject. Here goes... I married my H after knowing each other 9 months. I moved in with him 2 weeks after we started dating because it was a good financial decision. We have never been madly in love. We don't fight often and are generally comfortable with each other. Maybe too much so. We have zero passion or intensity in our relationship. He wants children and I do not as I am not sure I can stay in a boring marriage for the rest of my life and I'd rather not bring innocent children into it. He makes lots of money and will continue to make more every year. He spoils me to the point that there isn't anything I could tell him I wanted for Christmas because I have more than enough. I started working full time recently (from part-time) so at this point I can afford to move out and arrange my own transportation before too long. We just reconciled 2 months ago after an almost done deal divorce. He begged me and played on my sympathy and penchant for nice things so I gave it one more try. I figured I had to at least give it a chance or I'd always wonder. It immediately went back to what made me want to divorce before. I told him I want to divorce again a couple of days ago, he got mean and nasty which helps me not feel so bad because I hate to see him cry. Now he's over that and back to crying all the time. He wants ANOTHER chance. I can either stay and be unfulfilled or I can risk being alone for the rest of my life if I never find Mr. Right. I am not looking for a relationship but I feel that maybe it would be better to be single and available if I ever do meet THE ONE since I feel like what I have is nowhere close to that. Any thoughts would be soooo helpful! Thanks so much!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 4:50pm

It sounds to me that as much as you try and convince yourself you SHOULD stay, you really just don't want to. Have you considered couples counseling, or if not, individual counseling for yourself? Maybe there is something within you that is making you unsatisfied, or at least you can explore what made you agree to an unsatisfying marriage in the first place.

It sounds to me you know the answer, you just want someone to tell you that you are not nuts for leaving the money. I say the money will never make you happy and you know that. I used to live in a nice 3 bedroom house and I was miserable in my marriage. Now I live in a nice 2 bedroom rented duplex, and I'm really happy. I'm a better person and a better mom on my own than I was when I was with my ex, and I think he's happier too. I can't see telling you to stay when it seems you want to go so much. Is it guilt that is making you stay? You mentioned the crying, and I can see not wanting to hurt someone you care about. But you know you will never be happy, right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 5:10pm
I have gone for a few sessions alone dealing with this the last time we split. The therapist basically said the same, as in I have already decided I needed to get out of this marriage and that we just don't bring out the best in each other. I married once before for a short time when I was 18. It was a marriage of convenience in a way and the comfort factor was the same as what I have now. I waited about 3.5 years to marry again and just had year long or so relationships in between. My Ex and current H are very similar. I think maybe I settle too soon and it's something I need to work on. I sometimes blame it on the fact that the 2 times I felt I was in love I got emotionally hurt very badly. I am in a big way an over achiever and I feel like I have to hurry up and make something of myself (house, kids, possessions...). I will feel major guilt over leaving my H but maybe it is best for both of us when we sit back and think about it calmly instead of emotionally. I would love to fall in love again I am just so afraid that I usually end up with "safe" guys. I guess all I can do is load up on kleenex and hope for the best wouldn't you say?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 9:10pm

I would say keep going to therapy. You are on to your pattern and it's best to explore that and figure out how not to repeat it - and it's not an easy thing to break the pattern, there is a reason you have the pattern and your subconcious wants to keep it :) That is why therapy helps. They can get you to see what you can't see on your own.

I also recommend a book I read last year after I separated... "The Wounded Woman" I am similar to you, ever since I got hurt by the first person I loved, I always picked people who were safe. For me, safe meant they needed me, usually in some financial way, and perhaps emotionally too. I felt the relationships were safe because I knew they couldn't leave me, and if the relationship was going to end it would be me choosing to end it. Now, there is no way I would understand that about myself without therapy, but the book helped me see some other things about myself too.




Edited 12/14/2004 9:12 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 1:31pm

Is there something about him that makes him the wrong man for you?

Or is the problem inside of yourself? Running away won't fix that. Wherever you run, there you are.

Ultimately, he does deserve to put himself into a marriage where he can be loved in return. If you cannot give him that, then do him a huge favor and ignore the crying and begging. Whatever you decide, good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 2:53pm
I feel that I have tried for the last 4 years to make our relationship work. He admitted to me last night that he does take me for granted and he doesn't know why. He doesn't meet me halfway when trying to work on our marriage. If he has me around he does anything but give me the time and attention I need. Than if I threaten to leave he says he will change and does for about 2 days. I feel like it's not fair to myself to keep doing this over and over again. We have agreed to go ahead with the divorce and do it ourselves. He says he doesn't want it but is willing to not be a problem anymore. We have an agreement that when I get my own place he will be invited as a friend if we are still getting along as friends at that point. I don't believe that he would never be a good husband, I just feel that he has things to work out on his own and a lot of proving himself to get on with. If he ended up getting therapy and growing up and we work it out down the line I feel like we would be 2 of the luckiest people ever. I am just keeping my options open at this point. I am feeling like if he decides I'm not worth persuing then it was never meant to be. Or if he does, I would have to have at least 1 full year of him proving himself to me that he is worthy, if it goes in the direction of us getting back together and I don't meet anyone else in the meantime. I am actually pretty excited at this point and feel that hopefully I am doing the right thing. Any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:30pm

someone, on one of these boards, once said something like "wherever you go - there you are". and it took me a while to "get this" but i finally did. you can see that you tend to fall into the same relationships - relationships of convenience, not love. which doesn't mean that its BAD - but obviously YOU are not happy with it.


the point is, however, that running away (breaking up, getting divorced) won't really solve anything. because the problem is NOT "this relationship" - but the problem is "you and your life". and until you RESOLVE *your* issues - you will ALWAYS be in unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships.


therapy is a great idea - if you really "do the work"... its not easy, but once you are willing to work at it - you will progress.


so what to do now? if i were in your shoes - unless your husband is being abusive - i would just continue to go to therapy. and also discuss with your husband the possibility of going to marital therapy. you might get divorced anyway , but sometimes issues CAN be worked thru and marriages can get stronger or re-start.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 2:55pm

Well, the decision is made and you are feeling good about it. So make the best of it and good luck on planning your new life path. I know you will take time to reflect on what you feel you need from a man, and that you will do your best to be firm in future about not settling for less. At least, not unless you have worked through some change in yourself so that less has become OK for you.

Off topic, your post makes me wonder about myself a bit. I have not been faced with the offer of financial security and a marriage to someone who doesn't fulfill my needs. I think that must be a huge temptation! Happy holidays.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 11:20am
Ever heard the saying "Don't know what you've got til it's gone?" No one has a perfect marriage. You and your husband are financially stable, you don't fight. I wish I had your life. So there are no "fireworks" or passion. But that can be worked on. You sound like you have never had to struggle financially, or had to deal with a man who beats the crap out of you, or cheats on you. Look at what you do have. No one's relationship or life is 100% perfect. I've found that as you move on, and do find another man, there are problems, just different ones. I'm saying this because you may look back on this when he has someone else and you may ask yourself why you left.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 3:22pm
You sound a lot like me!
I got married when I graduated college, because that is what I thought I was supposed to do. It put me in a good financial situation and I was comfortable in the relationship. The downside was there was no passion. We maintained separate interests and grew apart quickly. By my second wedding anniversary we were barely speaking. I asked for a divorce and because I could stand to see him cry, I relented. 6 months later I asked again for a divorce because there was no way I could live like that anymore. We fought all of the time and he would say horrible things to me. I was forced to leave the house and had a very rough divorce. It was a bad year but I think I am a stronger person for it and now am with a great guy and I have the type of relationship that I always hoped for.
Actually going through with the divorce was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was worth it.
You have to do what feels best for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 1:01pm

man, u sound like me too. no passion anymore. we grew apart & i changed. i think we both stayed w/ each other cuz we're all we know. i dont want to end up hating each other & fighting every day & having this terrible divorce where we're just out to hurt each other. he's accepted it & so far it hasn't been too bad. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. And everyone's been great & i've been mostly hearing, "You've got to do what's best for u." I agree.

Happy Holidays!

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