Should I stick it out?
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Should I stick it out?
| Wed, 03-07-2007 - 2:46am |
I have been married 21 years and have two boys, aged 19 and 14. I no longer love my husband. He went through cancer treatment five years ago and things have never been remotely the same. We are both very unhappy, don't talk, haven't touched each other in years. I am trying to stay in the marriage, which he wants to keep, until my son is 16. My son has a serious illness and I am afraid my husband will smoke around him which will exaccerbate his illness. Stress also can cause a relapse with my son. I also worry about our assets. I make more money, do 90% of the parenting, am at home more, do all the housework... I am very depressed, but will do anything to not hurt my son. He is closer to me and knows I do everything, but worries about his dad. My husband says he will get at least 1/2 of everyting (he is an underachiever) and I will have to provide for his lifestyle. Life feels very depressing, but again I will try to hang in there until my son is at least 16 and can at least drive. Has anybody else stuck it out? I am worried if my son spends time with my husband, he will not take care of his diet, meds, or monitor his health. He does not even understand his disease, as I do it all. I think I need to stick it out for my son in this case, but just need some support.

I don't think I'd stick it out until your son is 16. What difference is another 2 years going to make. I don't know about where you live but if you've been supporting the family for the past few years I can't imagine the courts are going to give your H half of everything and especially if you've got the 2 boys living with you.
On an emotional level you might be surprised how your son handles a separation. I've been staying because of my 10 year old daughter and she's the one that came to me and said she cries all the time because of the tension and fighting in our home. Since our separation has become imminent she can't wait for it to happen and she adores both me and her dad. I think our kids are a lot stronger than we imagine.
You could leave detailed notes with your H about how to care for your son and if your son is as intelligent as he sounds he'll say something to your H if he's not following procedures and if that doesn't happen maybe you would need to take full custody of the children and only have visitation during the day for your H if that's what the courts decide.
You've only got one life to live and if you're that miserable and depressed it would be affecting your children anyway.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
I am very angry at your husband for the blackmail he is doing. I can't think of any other word: blackmail, emotionally and financially.
No, I would not stick in that marriage. 2 years longer are not going to make such a difference for your son (he already also has a grown brother to help him out), but they can make a world of difference for you. You sound tired and depressed, and it is fully understandable. What is not clear is what your husband is bringing to the deal...
You should see a lawyer before you think any further, and anyway before you talk with your husband. It is the truth that the common assets are split 50/50... but that will be including what he is earning, and what he could be considered earning (meaning, the judge could and would tell him to go get a job!!! unless it is demonstrated that he cannot). In the meanwhile, get all the documents you can: tax returns, insurances, credit cards ... and also what kind of work he is contributing to the couple, because he may try to say that he was acting the "homemaker" role, and that is why he needs your alimony. get all proof you can that this is NOT true.
Wishing you the very best.
Ally,
You sound wornout and overdue for support in many areas. Here's my thoughts which I hopeyou find helpful.
First, find a support group for you and/or your son. Check with the hospital or clinic where he receives treatment. Very often there are ongoing support groups for people dealing with long-term illness. Or, ask if there is a social worker whom you can talk with regarding your son's condition. Respite is always helpful and a place to vent is really good too.
Second, crisis often brings out the best and worst in our lives, marriages, and other relationships. Your husband's cancer was
CL-Wisdomtooth2020