Should I Take Him Back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Should I Take Him Back?
14
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 8:17pm
I am so confused. I have been married 8 years and have 2 kids. Up until about 2 years ago everything was perfect ( or so I thought). About 2 years ago I started catching my husband in lies. Small lies at first but lies none the less. Like "Yes honey I dropped of the Electric bill for you" then finding it under the seat in his car. His response was, "I forgot and was going to drop it off the next day and then forgot about it all together" After these things kept happening I started getting upset since it was happening more and more. My friends and family said "Don't worry, he's a man, that's how they are." But the fact that he was lying to me really bothered me. We talked about it and he said he swore he would tell me the truth from now on even if it meant me getting mad.
Then about 5 months ago he got fired from his job and said it was for socializing with employees since that is against the rules as a manager. It didn't make sense to me and I confronted him and said "I think there is more to this, if this was the first time this happened why didn't you get suspended" He swore to me that was the reason. Two days later a Certified Letter came in the mail from his job. I opened it since we were expecting his last paycheck via certified mail. A letter was enclosed stating that they were highly disappointed that they lost one of their best managers over stealing $10.00. STEALING?!? I confronted him and he broke down and said it was one of the times he left his wallet at home and he borrowed $10.00 from the safe to buy gas on the way home and forgot to pay it back. He says he lied so I wouldn't be disappointed in him. I was devastated.
Within a month he left out of state to work at his old job while he was waiting to hear back from potential employers. We couldn't afford a lapse in pay. He has been commuting back and forth for 4 months while interviewing and trying to secure a job here. Our relationship has been fragile because of the lies and because of the distance. Over long tearful phone conversations he even swore on our family he would never lie again and that he only ever lied to me about things to save me from hurt and disappointment. I finally agreed that we would start fresh when he got back and put this behing us.
Then this past weekend he did it again. He calls every night to say goodnight to myself and the kids. Because our cell phones have unlimited minutes he always calls from his cell. Saturday night he called and said he was feeling sick and he was going to bed. He said he couldn't talk long because he was standing outside in front of his Mom's house (he's staying with her while he is there) and it was cold (he doesn't get good reception inside). Then Sunday morning he called and said he was still sick and was going to rest all day and he would call that night to say goodnight. He didn't call and finally on Monday afternoon I called and got his voicemail. After a few hours I called his sister and she said he wasn't home and as a matter of fact he hadn't been home the last 2 nights. WHAT? "But he told me he was there when he called the last 2 times!" She felt so bad that she got him in trouble and didn't know that I didn't know. I immediately started calling friends and family in search for him to no avail. He finally calls me (because he heard I was on to him) in tears apologizing for lying. He said he went to his friends football party and stayed both night since he had been drinking. WHAT? Why did he have to lie? He says that he knew I wouldn't want him spending the weekend at this particular friends house. Why? Because this friend is a single party animal, that's why. He lied again, but this time it was actually a premeditated well thought out lie. He even said he was at his Mom's house 2 times when he was in actuallity there at his friends house. Where has he really been everytime he has supposedely called from his mom's house? Who is this person? Now I am convinced that he has been lying for 8 years. I don't believe he became a liar in the past year or 2. I think he just finally became sloppy at it. Did he cheat on me? He swears "no" but how can I believe him when he is such a liar. I feel like I will never believe a word that he says ever again.
Am I correct that when the trust is completely gone it's over? When you swear on your children that you will never lie again and do it anyway is there any hope? I am ready for divorce and have hate in my heart that he has done this to our family.
Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 4:30am

gosh honey, i know how you feel - my ex was/is also a liar. he will lie about anything and everything. and you are right - it kills the relationship becasue there is no trust and you begin to doubt EVERYTHING. just wondering if your husband is also involved with drugs or alchohol or some other addiction - because this kind of behavior is indicative of addicts (not only addicts).


here is what you need to do: first of all, YOU need to understand that this is NOT acceptable behavior. its not JUST The lying - altho the lying itself is bad enuf. its the things that he lies about as well. i mean - he STOLE MONEY on his job. he jepordized his job, his reputation, put his family in financial danger. that is just BAD. and then the going to a frat-type party friend - what is that all about? he is "supposed" to be acting like a mature grown up - separated from his family so that he can work and support his family.


second - you need to sit down with your husband and put the facts on the table. his apologies are worthless. his tears and promises are worthless. the only thing you will accept (and of course, yo have to be willing to go thru with this) is that he will seek therapy for his problem, and then you and he will go to marital counseling. anything less than this - and you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and debt.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 7:39am

This definitely is not acceptable behaviour!!! I know exactly what you are going through. My STBX lied about everything from money to why he wasn't going to work anymore. In 6 years of being together, he lied to cover up lies, to cover up more lies. When I would catch him in a lie, he'd lie to my face and say he never said that to begin with. It drove me crazy!

Honey, now is when you absolutely need counselling. This situation will get very ugly if you don't. You will end up being suspicious of everything your husband does and that is no way to stay in a marriage. You will become a nag, asking him too many questions will ultimately cause more harm than help, so please make sure your husband see's a therapist. You deserve the respect from your husband and he needs to be made aware that you demand that of him. If you don't follow through, he will continue to lie just because he "thinks he can get away with it"!

I went to my STBX's job one Saturday morning and found his exwife there...they didn't see me. I watched him kiss her and hand her some money! When he got home that night, I confronted him. I told him what I saw, and he swore she wasn't even out there! OH MY GOSH!!! I saw him and described exactly what happened and he still lied!!! That was the final straw for me! I kicked him to the curb that very same night and do you know where he went? To his ex's house and we were no more. I've done all the "what ifs" but now know that I couldn't stay with him anymore.

This does not mean that your husband is cheating on you so don't think that way until you know for sure! You should be able to trust your husband and vice-versa! Without trust, you will ultimately end up in divorce. Sorry honey, but that is the honest to God truth! Think hard and long before you make that divorce step! Try the counselling first and see where that takes you.

God Bless You and keep posting!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:21am

OMG gehring: <<<>> wow - i thought i was the only one who went thru this! my ex did this all the time - and what ended up happening was that I began to doubt MYSELF. i started to think "could i have dreamt this?" or "was this my imagination?". i would say something like "last week you said XYZ" and he would give me this blank look (think alfred E newman from MAD) and say "what? I never said that!" and i would give a recap of the conversation (i have a weird memory like that) and say "don't you remember? we were standing over there, it was after this and that happened, and you said XYZ". and he would say "i don't know hwat you are talking about!"


the funny thing is {nasty cackle} that he did this in business as well. he would be on the phone with someone, trying to nail down a deal, telling lie after lie (i mean, if you're going to lie, at least WRITE THINGS DOWN!). and then he would get all mixed up and suddenly *that other party was no longer interested in doing business with him*. gee, i wonder why!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:32am

>>>>>>wow - i thought i was the only one who went thru this! my ex did this all the time - and what ended up happening was that I began to doubt MYSELF. i started to think "could i have dreamt this?" or "was this my imagination?". i would say something like "last week you said XYZ" and he would give me this blank look (think alfred E newman from MAD) and say "what? I never said that!" and i would give a recap of the conversation (i have a weird memory like that) and say "don't you remember? we were standing over there, it was after this and that happened, and you said XYZ". and he would say "i don't know hwat you are talking about!"<<<<<<<<<

Ok, wait, you mean I am not the only one??? WOW, half of my anguish over the last year has been because I am CONSTANTLY defending myself because he "doesn't remember" things or twists them around so I am the crazy one... lies after lies after lies after lies. It's gotten so I don't even believe him when he says hello! I have a memory like that too.. I even recall what we were wearing when he told me XYZ or we did XYZ... He even lies about how our daughter was planned and conceived and why we got married!!! ( I forced him, in case you didn't know ;) )

Not that I would wish living with that on ANYONE, but I am glad I am not the only one.

Hugs,

Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:09am

Ladies I am peeing my pants from laughing so hard...Are you sure we weren't married to the same guy? They are some of the worst liars and they make us think we have tiny voices in our head telling us these things, when they know darn good and well they did say XYZ...or maybe they don't?

As far as the job deals go...I can relate to this too!!! My STBX was a self-employed subcontractor (construction) and he would line up all these deals and then wouldn't finish what he started...he must have been fired from 20+ jobs in the last five years!!! I talked to his last 2 employers and they both said the same thing..."you're husband is a scumbag!" Gee, he must have been caught telling them lies too?

I can't believe how many of these men are out there! You'd think they would learn after awhile to "write things down"! LOL.

Take care and keep laughing!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:40am

Yes it does sound like the trust in the marriage has been completely eroded. My ex was the same way. His motto was "deny everything, admit to nothing." He was a pathological liar. I could catch him red handed in a bold-faced lie and he'd still be trying to twist the story around. He told me he would lie to avoid conflict, but it didn't give him the right to do whatever he wanted and then cover it up.

I would think long and hard about divorcing him. I will tell you, it is no fun being divorced. It's been three years of court hearings, lawyers, counselors etc. I was lonely and ignored in the marriage but I'm lonely now since dating is almost impossible between work and kids. Right now you have your kids with you. Keep in mind when you divorce, you will have to "share" the kids. You will lose some control over them. What he does with them on his time will be out of your control.

Now I don't have my kids with me on most weekends and half of the holidays. I have to "share" them with the ex and his new wife and hear about the sickening details about their new life together, taking trips, the nice things he buys her.

I don't know how old your kids are but if there is any way you could wait a few more years before divorcing the liar, then hold off. It is no fun being divorced and having the kids have 2 homes. You lose some control over them. I found out the hard way, the grass isn't greener on the other side.

If I could go back 3 years I would have done things differently. I would not have worried about what he was doing so much and just focus on my kids. I would have divorced him eventually, but I would have waited til the kids were older, and I would have had more time to stash more money away before I was out on my own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:16pm

jodyan has a point, about it not being so great to be a divorced mom. I think your husband has some deep problems of self-esteem and security, he could really use some counseling. I hope that he will seek it.

try reading this article for a "fresh" look at the subject

http://www.gregbaer.com/journal/2004_04_27_archive.asp

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:11pm

Well, YOU should be just as valuable to him as his children are.... and he's broken promises to you.


And... "Don't worry, he's a man, that's how they are." BALONEY!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:59pm
Powerful words there in that link.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:16pm
I really appreciate everyone's advice and opinions. I have racked my brain and the pattern I noticed is that he lies to avoid conflict. But this weekend he lied about hanging out with this friend of his. Why? If I could only prove nothing happened (like cheating) then our relationship may be salvaged. MAYBE. I mean after some serious counseling and even then only maybe. I need to be able to tell my kids I tried everything before serving him with papers. Doesn't that make sense?

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