Should I try one more time?
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| Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:28pm |
Hi Everyone! I've been enjoying (or should I say appreciating) the posts from everyone. A lot of good advice and insight out there. I am asking for some of that valuable advice now. Should I give my STBX another chance? Here's the quick version of the past three years:
Yes, I had an brief affair. My choice and I accept that I did it for various reasons (self-esteem, attention, excitement). DH found out three years ago, and I ended it quickly, although I didn't tell the whole story at that time. The whole story came out a year ago and there was another big blow up. Trip to D lawyer, crying, begging, break down by DH, and trying to move on. He apologized for the guilt trips and "punishment" (blame games) for the past two years, and said he wanted to stay married. We bought a new dream house and I thought we had moved on. Two months after moving in, he said he didn't love me and was miserable. This was after I had packed/unpacked everything and he spent months distancing himself by watching tv/playing online war games while I cooked, cleaned, and took care of the children. He see-sawed back and forth for some time and then announced he should move out in November. He didn't move out until the beginning of April when he bought his own house. During those four months he finally said he did love me, but was angry, and he continued to play mental ping-pong with my emotions. However, he didn't do much to show he wanted to stay married. No counseling, no medication for his depression, no follow through on intentions, no verbal promises to forgive and move on. Just anger, blame, and tension between us. At points he even said "I don't want to work on the marriage." The kids couldn't take it, and the oldest (17) even asked us to separate or she would go and live with her grandparents.
Anyway, I have lived with blame, guilt, and anger for three years. I sincerely apologized, changed my ways, and became more attentive. After so long I was worn down, with low self-esteem and anger just stewing over. The tension has eased now that he has moved out, and I'm finding that I can do more on my own (I was pretty much alone for years anyway) than I thought I could. I am lonely and sad, as well as frightened at times, but I'm building strength. Now he's mentioning rebuilding our marriage. I don't think we can do it. This is the second time we've come close to dissolution, and now that we're on the edge, he's hinting at trying again. He's despondent and says he's truly sorry. But he hasn't mentioned how he will improve what we had. He hasn't said he will do WHATEVER it takes to stay married and be happy. I told him I won't sign up for more of the same. I want my family to stay intact, and I really don't want to enter the dating scene. I want a loving and helpful partner. Is that so much to ask?
Has anyone had second thoughts? What is the rate for reconciliation success? Any advice is appreciated! Thanks, Jo

Making it work again is possible..... but I wouldn't rush into it or do it without professional help.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I can only speak from my experience regarding reconciliation. It certainly CAN work, but it did not in my case.
Three years ago, I filed for divorce also. We tried a reconciliation...bought a house, etc. I think I knew pretty quickly it was the wrong decision, so here I am, three years later, dealing with a divorce all over again. I belive another poster said the successful reconciliation rate for people who have filed for divorce is about 5%. Sometimes, it can serve as a wake-up call for both people. Other times, people reconcile out of fear and loneliness (as I did last time).
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Thanks Karen. That was some good advice and I do know what you mean about getting it right for the children. I think a reconciliation that doesn't work out will make it worse on the kids in the long run. Right now they seem "ok" and have adjusted to two houses and the new arrangement. I am trying really hard to stop by the STBX so they can visit when they want, and I'm trying not to say nasty things about their father.
I'm wavering between telling him to give it 110% (meds, counselor, no more bring up ANY past, more help around the house, etc.) and I will try again; and telling him to just hurry and sign the papers so I can move on. I don't have child support yet, but he has been giving me and the children money here and there. Oh yeah, this is interesting...he got angry when I gave him an address change card. He said to just wait until we sell the house and then he'd change his mail. In the mean time, I'm to just keep giving him his mail. I think that's one more way he's hoping to hold on. He thinks "working on a marriage" is just ignoring things and HOPING things will improve. Wake up Alice...you're not in Wonderland! LOL
He is living in a house he bought and our "dream house" is for sale. I feel that once I sell this house and make the difficult effort of moving the kids and me out, that's it. I will be too angry then to try again. I hate moving and I'm angry at him for putting us in this position. He had second thoughts last August when we moved, and that would have been the time to go separate ways. Not two months after moving in here. Now I'm the one left with cleaning all the time so it can be shown, and moving out all the little and big items. He took vehicles instead of household items. Smart move on his part!
Thanks Christine! (that is your name, isn't it?) Hmmm...I think I read the 5% figure too. As far as reconciling, I think STBX is actually missing me and truly sorry for his part in all this "mess". He was addicted to pity and stuck in the blame game, all while distancing himself from the situation. His way of coping....avoid and hope it goes away! Now that it's down to the wire, I think he sees what he tried to throw away. We live in a small town and I believe he now understands that there aren't too many women out there for him, and none with our history and children with him. I don't mean to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I do have a lot going for me, and I think he now sees what he was blinded to for so long. He liked being married. Someone to bring home a paycheck AND cook/clean/do laundry/take care of children. Gee, I want a wife!
You're right though. I shouldn't let fear and loneliness dictate my future. This is a temporary feeling that will get better. Right?! I don't want to rush into a new relationship, but I think I can find someone when I'm ready. I just want the right person for ME and my children too. Hmmm...maybe it won't be so easy. :(
Please tell me there are men out there who do help with household chores and will be attentive.
Anyway, thanks for the advice. Jo