Should I wait it out or end my marriage? Very confused! Need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
Should I wait it out or end my marriage? Very confused! Need help.
17
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 1:49am

I have been married for 2.5 years. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder this past July. It explains a lot of my behavior in my marriage. I saw another man while married and was having ups and downs (all while we were living separately because he is in the military). This all got explained as manic episodes. My husband forgave me and I quit my job in March 2013 and moved to San Diego to live with him when he got atationed there. This is the first time we have lived together. 

He he has a lot of anger toward me. We went to counseling and it didn't help. In may 2013, while he was in Alaska for a month, I went out for a drink with a tattoo artist who had tattooed me and he drugged and raped me. The DA did not press charges because of my past of talking to men outside of my marriage And lack of evidence. My husband doesn't fully believe me about this. 

We have been fighting more and more and when we fight he says things like "I'm at full liberty to smash your face in."  He has said this when I have done things like lock him out foe a few minutes while he is screaming and swearing at me during a fight. My PTSD causes me not to be able to handle being yelled at. He calls me the c word when we fight. he also talks about how he wants to shoto the rapist and knows where he lives. He says he's not going to risk his job but it makes me scared. My demeanor has gotten much more stable since starting medication in July. I used to get really upset when we fought and cry hysterically. 

This past friday, we got in the worst fight. I packed up and went to a hotel. He told me that I'm selfish and ungrateful and basically worthless. He went on for a half hour just yelling at me. I didn't even have a chance to respond. He said he wanted to shoot the rapist, shoot my ex in Vegas, and tie me up and watch him bash his own head in with a Hammer. But he said he wasn't going to do these thugs because he didn't want to risk his career. He then said he wanted to shoot himself. I said I was going to call the police if he said anything else. He stopped. I went to a hotel and have been there since. 

Today I talked to him. He said I should come home. He said his anger toward me is justified because of all I out him through. I feel he is being verbally abusive. I do feel guitly about my behavior but I know I wasn't well. The therapist tried to explain this to him in therapy but he didn't listen.  I told him I left because I was scared. He said he's not going to risk his career. He also said I don't remember things right because I'm on medicine and I'm mentally unstable. I don't feel mentally unstable at all. He seems to use it against me. I don't know what to do. he is scheduled to go underway so he will be gone all of MarCh. I don't know if we should try a separation. I saw a divorce attorney this week and could also go that route. My husband said today that I should get a job and we should stay married. I don't know what to do. I'm very confused. He has so much anger and feels it's all justified. He asked me to move to San Diego knowing about me seeing the guy in Vegas. He said he forgave me. But he is not over it. It happened fall of 2012. 

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 There is nothing to think about but your own survival.  Staying with H is not an option.  you must leave for good and move away.  It is best to find anothe state get a divorce and just move on with your life.

joan d arc

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

Kitty Kat-

It is clear he can't forgive you and he poses a threat to you. There is no point in staying in the relationship. For the sake of both you and him, so he can move on and find someone he can trust, I'd start divorce proceedings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Since the counseling didn't end in a sort of forgiveness and moving on to build a good relationship, you need to cut your losses and start fresh with someone else in the future, when you're emotionally ready. Since you know your weaknesses of getting involved with other men when apart from a spouse, avoid those situations. Avoid bars. Do things with girlfriends like watching movies together, cooking or baking together, going to the mall, hiking, etc. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Your DH sounds mentally unstable & dangerous.  If he didn't want to try to forgive you for cheating, then he should have ended the marriage--why did he tell you to move to be with him if he was only going to berate you & continue to hold it against you?  It is challenging to live w/ someone who has bipolar disorder (my ex did) but you seem to be doing better and he will not participate in counseling or try to understand your illness.  In order to be a good partner to someone with a mental illness, he should be reading up on it, trying to understand what is going on and participating in therapy, if you want him to do that.  No one should have to put up with this kind of behavior--yelling, name calling and threats are not going to make for a good marriage.  I actually wonder if he has PTSD from being in the military.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

While I don't condone his threats of physical violence toward you or himself, I can understand his anger. Of course, he's angry. You've only been married 2.5 years and you've cheated on him, while he was away with the military.  Then after you moved in March 2013 to be with him, while he was away again, you went out with another man for drinks and you say he drugged and raped you. While the rape was not your fault, going out with a man who was not your H for drinks crossed the line, especially given that you had a history of cheating. One can understand him not fully believing you. Every time he is gone is when you seem to cheat or engage inapporopriate behavior.

While I'm sure that Bipolar may have had something to do with your behavior and poor choices, IMO you aren't taking any responsibility for your actions or the damage you've done. I know several people with bipolar and its never caused them to cheat. You don't say why you have PTSD~is it because of your affair, your H finding out about your affair, your loss of the ex in Vegas???  You blame Bipolar and PTSD~have you stopped to think that your H most likely also has PTSD from all this plus being in the military? You said : "He asked me to move to San Diego knowing about me seeing the guy in Vegas. He said he forgave me. But he is not over it. It happened fall of 2012." Yes, but then you betrayed him AGAIN by going out with a man for drinks and put yourself in a position to be raped.  Just because you feel guilty but 'know you were ill' doesn't just automatically make this all go away for him or excuse all of it. I'm sure that since he's scheduled to be gone again in March, he's already wondering if you'll cheat again while he's away.

You don't need to stay in a relationship where you are being physically threatened and your H doesn't need to stay in a relationship where he is being emotionally abused by cheating. Get the help and counseling you need to deal with the rape, BD and PTSD before even thinking of getting into another relationship. IMO, you aren't emotionally ready for a relationship. You need to work on getting well.

I wish you the best of luck,

GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008

I do not every mean that I take no responsibilty for my mistakes.  I was in so much pain and having so much trouble in my life and I was out of control.  I coudln't understand what was wrong with me.  It turned out I have bipolar disorder.  Not everyone has affairs when they have this disorder but some do.  I participated in very risky behavior because I didn't see the danger in it during my manic episodes.  I can go into more detail but I don't think it's necessary.  I feel a great deal of guilt and depression because of what I have done but my therapist has told me that I need to understand that I was sick and that I need to feel good that I took the steps to get treatment for my disorder.  I take my medication and go to therapy.  I feel much better now.  I don't have the type of turmoil in my mind and racing thoughts and problems I had before.  It was awful to live like I was when I was untreated for this disorder.  I only I was diagnosed with PTSD from my rape and also from childhool sexual and physical abuse.  The rape made my PTSD much worse.  It is getting better now but it was bad immediately following the rape.  I know that I need more therapy and need to work on myself.  I did not realize that I had this mental disorder when I got married and I thought that my life was under control.  I kept making worse and worse mistakes in life but I always thought I wouldn't make that mistake again after the manic episode was over but I just kept getting worse with each epiosde.  I did not know  what was wrong with me and it turned out it was bipolar disorder.  My problem now is that I don't know what to do with my marriage.  I love my husband but I hurt him.  We talked today and he said that he thinks he can stop fighting with me.  I just don't know if I need to file for divorce and be alone or if we should try to work this out.  The fighting doesn't help my anxiety or anything in my life and just makes me very depressed. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008

I do not every mean that I take no responsibilty for my mistakes.  I was in so much pain and having so much trouble in my life and I was out of control.  I coudln't understand what was wrong with me.  It turned out I have bipolar disorder.  Not everyone has affairs when they have this disorder but some do.  I participated in very risky behavior because I didn't see the danger in it during my manic episodes.  I can go into more detail but I don't think it's necessary.  I feel a great deal of guilt and depression because of what I have done but my therapist has told me that I need to understand that I was sick and that I need to feel good that I took the steps to get treatment for my disorder.  I take my medication and go to therapy.  I feel much better now.  I don't have the type of turmoil in my mind and racing thoughts and problems I had before.  It was awful to live like I was when I was untreated for this disorder.  I only I was diagnosed with PTSD from my rape and also from childhool sexual and physical abuse.  The rape made my PTSD much worse.  It is getting better now but it was bad immediately following the rape.  I know that I need more therapy and need to work on myself.  I did not realize that I had this mental disorder when I got married and I thought that my life was under control.  I kept making worse and worse mistakes in life but I always thought I wouldn't make that mistake again after the manic episode was over but I just kept getting worse with each epiosde.  I did not know  what was wrong with me and it turned out it was bipolar disorder.  My problem now is that I don't know what to do with my marriage.  I love my husband but I hurt him.  We talked today and he said that he thinks he can stop fighting with me.  I just don't know if I need to file for divorce and be alone or if we should try to work this out.  The fighting doesn't help my anxiety or anything in my life and just makes me very depressed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Tell your therapist everything you told us. Personally, I wouldn't feel safe being with him with all the anger he has right now.  His threats of physically harming you shouldn't be taken lightly. Bottomline is I am afraid for your safety. Like I said, I can understand his anger but that's no excuse for him to smash your face in, as he put it. He sounds terribly unstable to me; perhaps because he is suffering from PTSD, too. But still, saying he's gonna shoot ppl, shoot himself, tie you up and force you to watch him bash his head in with a hammer.....this is WAYYYYYY beyond the norm.

I don't think his suggestion that you get a job and come back is going to help you. You're dealing with the rape, guilt, PTSD and a lot of issues from the past that caused you so much pain. You need to get well before you do anything.  I don't think you need the added stress of a job and dealing with a totally irrational, enraged man right now.

Do you have any friends or family nearby?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

'..Since you know your weaknesses of getting involved with other men when apart from a spouse, avoid those situations. Avoid bars. Do things with girlfriends like watching movies together, cooking or baking together, going to the mall, hiking, etc.'

This so called 'spouse' is a dangerous abuser. I don't think OP should be giving him ANY thought whilst deciding how to live her life. As far as baking, hiking and watching movies with girlfriends..come on. This is a highly depressed highly stressed person with PTSD and bipolar. The activities you listed aren't what a person in this state is going to want to do - they won't help in any way. It'll just be her trying to put on a 'normal stable happy' mask and soldier on.

No comment re: bars - way too biased.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008

I only have one friend here in the city I'm in.  My mom lives in another state, about a 7 hour drive.  I have friends back East and my sister also lives there.  I wonder if I should move there.  My friend here lives with her parents so I can't stay with her.  My husband has returned to our house.  I came home and he left for a few days and then he returned home.  He said that he wanted to work things out and I said I would try but we have been fighting since he got here.  I don't want to live with him but I have no where else to go.  He can live on the ship but refuses to go there.  I was in a hotel but it's expensive. 

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