Should I wait it out or end my marriage? Very confused! Need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
Should I wait it out or end my marriage? Very confused! Need help.
17
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 1:49am

I have been married for 2.5 years. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder this past July. It explains a lot of my behavior in my marriage. I saw another man while married and was having ups and downs (all while we were living separately because he is in the military). This all got explained as manic episodes. My husband forgave me and I quit my job in March 2013 and moved to San Diego to live with him when he got atationed there. This is the first time we have lived together. 

He he has a lot of anger toward me. We went to counseling and it didn't help. In may 2013, while he was in Alaska for a month, I went out for a drink with a tattoo artist who had tattooed me and he drugged and raped me. The DA did not press charges because of my past of talking to men outside of my marriage And lack of evidence. My husband doesn't fully believe me about this. 

We have been fighting more and more and when we fight he says things like "I'm at full liberty to smash your face in."  He has said this when I have done things like lock him out foe a few minutes while he is screaming and swearing at me during a fight. My PTSD causes me not to be able to handle being yelled at. He calls me the c word when we fight. he also talks about how he wants to shoto the rapist and knows where he lives. He says he's not going to risk his job but it makes me scared. My demeanor has gotten much more stable since starting medication in July. I used to get really upset when we fought and cry hysterically. 

This past friday, we got in the worst fight. I packed up and went to a hotel. He told me that I'm selfish and ungrateful and basically worthless. He went on for a half hour just yelling at me. I didn't even have a chance to respond. He said he wanted to shoot the rapist, shoot my ex in Vegas, and tie me up and watch him bash his own head in with a Hammer. But he said he wasn't going to do these thugs because he didn't want to risk his career. He then said he wanted to shoot himself. I said I was going to call the police if he said anything else. He stopped. I went to a hotel and have been there since. 

Today I talked to him. He said I should come home. He said his anger toward me is justified because of all I out him through. I feel he is being verbally abusive. I do feel guitly about my behavior but I know I wasn't well. The therapist tried to explain this to him in therapy but he didn't listen.  I told him I left because I was scared. He said he's not going to risk his career. He also said I don't remember things right because I'm on medicine and I'm mentally unstable. I don't feel mentally unstable at all. He seems to use it against me. I don't know what to do. he is scheduled to go underway so he will be gone all of MarCh. I don't know if we should try a separation. I saw a divorce attorney this week and could also go that route. My husband said today that I should get a job and we should stay married. I don't know what to do. I'm very confused. He has so much anger and feels it's all justified. He asked me to move to San Diego knowing about me seeing the guy in Vegas. He said he forgave me. But he is not over it. It happened fall of 2012. 

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Do what you feel like doing.  If you rather go to a bar or club do it.  If you prefer the company of men that is ok. You are who you are and changin for another person or to conform to someone else's ida of how it should be is not being truthful to yourself.   You are not in a convent.  You like almost every other person needs to feel out who they are.  I will say be careful of labels.  I went through a period of time where i was misdiagnosed with problems i did not have.  There is too much run to a defination.  Be careful of that.   Having a sexual encounter is not a big deal really it is how you react to it and if in a relationship how they do.  Try not to read into it.  Sometimes we need to find ourselves.  Learning who we are is a lot like trying on clothes.  it is common to try on to see what fits what is you not what anyone or any thing wants you to be.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I would say if your mom will let you stay with her for a while, to go there while you figure out what to do.  It doesn't sound like his attempt at reconciliation is working if he is arguing with you all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
These videos records near death experience of people that have visited Heaven and Hell and came back and tell the story. The important thing to note is they all had very same description about Heaven and / or Hell. Please see them all.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

I'm so sorry that things aren't getting any better.  If he's still fighting with you and refuses to go to counseling (which IMO he needs for his violent anger issues along with marriage counseling), I don't think things are going to just sort themselves out on their own. Why did he leave for a few days after you went back home? Was it because of the military or did he get pissed and just leave?

You answered your own question about what to do when you said you don't want to live with him. It sounds like you need a fresh start and you definitely need to be around family and friends who understand, love and support you. You were living in the East when you moved to San Diego to live with him, right?

I wish you the best,

GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008

Yes, I moved to San Diego to be with him.  I quit my job and came here and then was raped.  I had been planning to look for a new job when I moved here but that sexual assualt caused me to delay looking.  Now I am....  But I don't know if I feel 100% ready. 

He went to a hotel when I got back from the hotel because we agreed we still needed to be taking a break because he said he was still very angry with me.  Then he came back home two days later and made little jabs at me.  Like that he has had to support me for all these months of me being unemployed.  He made me feel like a burden.  He also drinks a lot of days of the week, which causes me a lot of anxiety.  I asked him not to drink because I said that it would be better if he didn't but he said he doesn' t care, he's going to drink because he works full time and works out so he can drink.  He slept in the guest bedroom since he got back but today he is sleeping in the bedroom.  He did give ma a card, flowers, and choclates for valentine's day.  This was strange because he's been very cold toward me the past few days, not wanting to touch and not saying "I love you."  I can' t figure out what he wants.

It really bothers me that he said that I brought the guy home and F***ed him, referring to when I was raped.  I was drugged, I believe, because I have no memory.  The guy and I were at a bar, then the next thing I know we were at my house and he was taking off my clothes and forcing sex on me.  My husband really showed he doesn't believe me.  He made it sound like I cheated when I really suffered a violent attack. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2014

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