Should stepmom be saying this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Should stepmom be saying this?
5
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 11:20am

My 16 yr old daughter showed me an email she received from her stepmother after my daughter got into an argument with her father over the phone. My ex has been accusing me for six years now for "poisoning the kids minds with lies about him" which honestly is NOT true. I don't think I have EVER said anything negative to my son about him bc A) he is little and B) him and his dad get along great and have never had a disagreement. My daughter on the other hand, she is a little more difficult to handle and her and her father have had many scraps, as her and I have too, so sometimes when her and her dad fight we talk about "stuff" but I never sit there and say your dad's a this, that and the other, we just talk about it. Other than that, I never bring the mans name up, however, in my ex's mind, if my daughter and I fight, it is all my fault, I'm a terrible mother and I have screwed her up.... if he and my daughter fight, it is all my fault bc I'm a terrible mother and I have screwed her up and he says things like "you have been working on her for years to hate me". He actually left that on my voicemail last week after they got in the fight. HE got in a fight with her while I was at work and he immediately picks up the phone, calls me and says "I hope you are happy, XXX and I just got in our last fight bc you have been filling her head with all your bull****. You have been working on her for years to hate me and you finally got what you wanted. She's upset now and on her way out with her friend and if anything happens to her it is all your fault and will be on your head if anything happens".

Anyway, I'm venting... my question is about her stepmother. After the fight between dad and daughter, the step mother writes my daughter an email and says this:

>>>>>>Well I guess things are bad again. Please find it in your heart, to know that you can't go through life without the love of your family. You have to NOT let it affect you what your parents have done to each other. I know that is hard for you because you have been put in the middle because of your mother and father telling you all about it. Well if I were you I would be pissed off at the both of them just like you are now. BUT, YOU HAVE TO OVERCOME IT. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. GROW UP AND GET OVER IT. EVEN THOUGH YOUR MAD AND FIGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS YOU SHOULD NEVER DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM THEM NO MATTER HOW HARD IT GETS. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD. YOU GET TO CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE INTO LOVING AND BEING WITH ALL OF YOUR FAMILY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. I LOST MY MOTHER WHEN I WAS 12 AND 2 WEEKS LATER MY DAD GOT RID OF OUR 2 CATS AND 2 MONTHS AFTER THAT MY DAD LEFT ME AND MY SISTER WITH MY GRANDMOTHER TO GO AND LIVE WITH HIS NEW WIFE UNTIL I FINISH OUT 8TH GRADE. AT THAT TIME I WAS PISSED AT MY DAD. IT FELT LIKE I HAD JUST LOST EVERYONE I CARED ABOUT IN LESS THAN 5 MONTHS. I WAS PISSED AT MY DAD FOR NOT STAYING WITH US. HOW ROTTEN A FATHER WAS HE TO DO THAT TO TWO LITTLE GIRLS WHO JUST LOST THEIR MOTHER. BOY I HATED HIM SO VERY MUCH AT THAT TIME. BUT I NEVER STOPPED TALKING WITH HIM. I NEVER HELD THAT GRUDGE THAT I COULD HAVE FOREVER. I HAVE HAD SO MANY GREAT TIMES AND BAD TIMES THROUGHOUT MY LIFE WITH MY DAD AND WOULD NOT CHANGE A DAMN THING. RIGHT NOW I AM SO MAD AT YOU. I NEVER DREAMED IN A BAZILLION YEARS THINKING BACK WHEN I FIRST MET YOU THE WAY YOU AND YOUR DAD WERE TOGETHER THAT YOU COULD BE THIS KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE TURNING OUT TO BE. BUT THE FUNNY THING IS... IS THAT I LOVE YOU TO DEATH AND I AM BALLING MY EYES OUT RIGHT NOW CAUSE I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE THE WAY IT USED TO BE. BUT I CHOOSE TO KEEP MY FAITH THAT IT WILL BE AND I KNOW IT WILL BE OK. I HOPE YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. I WANT TO HELP TAKE CARE OF YOU CAUSE YOU KNOW I AM YOUR STEP-MOM AND EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE PAIN OF GIVING BIRTH TO YOU I LOVE YOU JUST LIKE IF I DID.<<<<<<

Obviously, this woman believes what my ex believes that I am some horrible monster, in fact I have only meet the woman once or twice over the six years she has been with my ex. She doesn't know me at all. We live 1500 miles away and maybe see each other once a year for two minutes when my ex come to get the kids. The only viewpoint she has of me, is what my ex tells her, so I don't listen to her opinion of me. I do have a problem with her writing my daughter and saying things like "RIGHT NOW I AM SO MAD AT YOU. I NEVER DREAMED IN A BAZILLION YEARS THINKING BACK WHEN I FIRST MET YOU THE WAY YOU AND YOUR DAD WERE TOGETHER THAT YOU COULD BE THIS KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE TURNING OUT TO BE".

Should I tell her not to write my daughter things like that? Does she have the right to write my daughter things like that? BTW, this is not the first time she has done this... once she called my house and got into a heated discussion with my daughter about child support and alimony. She said things like "I don't know any other man who pays alimony"...." I don't know any other man who pays that much child support " "none of this would be happening if you guys didn't move away",etc (the same crap my ex has been saying to me for six years... gee I wonder where step mother learned it?). I wrote my ex an email asking why his wife was calling my house and discussing alimony with my child. The step mother wrote daughter an email apologizing and said that wasn't her place, but I guess she feels it's her place to scold my kid now because she got in a fight with her husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:04pm

Oh my, on one hand I think it's good that the step mother cares about your daughter. On the other hand, I think she is VERY misguided in her approach and message. She is obviously very immature herself, and should get some professional counselling and coaching if she really wants to "help" your daughter.

I don't think she demonized you, though, and wouldn't focus on that. She just indicated that both you, your husband, and the effects of the divorce and bad relationship have affected her...and that's probably true.

She needs her own counselling based on her background, and is the last person who should be providing your daughter direction because of her skewed perspective from her history and your h's input. Some of her comments will do more harm than good, and her advice is not appropriate.

I'd just tell your daughter to be appreciative of her love and interest, but that her guidance is not quite relavant because of her experiences and she shouldn't put much stake in it. I'd also reinforce to your daughter that you very much want her to love her dad and have a meaningful relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:49pm

First off, I'm assuming that ex-H's household is drug free, no one is an addict, no one is an alcoholic, no gambling, no volence, et al.

I'll give you my two cents here:

About the email -- First, what goes on at ex-H's house is their business, and shold not spill over into your life, and vice-versa. So if daughter is spilling her guts to you, she's probably doing the same with him, and it needs to stop. Not that she needs to be thwarted in her communication, but rather, she needs to express her anger to the person angering her -- that's productive, everything else is counter-productive to her mental health.

The email seemed like a reasonable elaboration of step-mom's life experience as it specificlly applied to your daughter. It did not seem to deal with you at all. having gone through this kind if thing with teenaged girls, I think this is reasonable advice (but probably not very welcome). Your daughter made her angry and she told your daughter so, isn't that the healthy way resolve anger/conflict -- directly?

Is your daughter wallowing in self-pity over the divorce, and how much extra attention does she get because of that?

About the step-mom calling you: totally out of line on her part. I would not hesitate to hang up on her in thsi situation. Then I'd follow up with a scathing discussion to ex-H about having his wife fight his personal battel for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:53pm

Just to clarify... the step mother called my house and discussed the child support and alimony with my daughter, not me.

<<<>>>

Yes, if my daughter made her angry DIRECTLY that would be a healthy way of resolving it, but my daughter got in an argument with her father and his wife is emailing my daughter telling her how angry she made HER and how she never dreamed she would turn into "this type of person". The argument did not concern her directly, therefore she really should keep her opinions to herself. In December, the ex and I had a disagreement and this woman wrote me an email telling me what a horrible mother I was, how I was selfish, didn't have unconditionally love for my daughter, blah, blah, blah.




Edited 3/13/2007 2:33 pm ET by fearless2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 7:26pm
I heard something along time ago. There's her side, theres his side and somewhere in the middle is the truth. If you weren't there, sorry but you really don't know what was said. Or by whom. Teenagers are all victims. You are playing right into your daughters hand. Next it will be "I don't want to go to Dads because of step-mom." Your claws will come out and then all heck will break lose. Your daughter will be sitting back and taking in everything. New rule, What happens at Dads stays at Dads. I'm not real familier with computers but can't you put a block on certian E-mails? Those of us who have raised teens(which we all deserve a medal for)can tell you they are alot more creative than we give them credit for.IMO she's playing the victim to the hilt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 8:42am

I hear your point.

If the step-mom calls, hang up and don't talk to her.

If the step-mom emails, delete it without reading.

If the step-mom US Mails, throw it out immediately.

Let ex-H know that the only time his wife should contact either you or the kids is when he's ill or dead.

Simultaneously, you need to disciipline yourself and your daughter (as in desciple, train, educate, condition) to stop paying attention to the crap that goes on there. Whether you do this deliberately or not, your ex-H and his wife are engaging both you and your daughter in a continuous unhealthy conflict.

Since your daughter and her father are getting into scraps, they need to figure out how to get along. This is between your daughter and her father. If she's telling you about her problems with her father, you do her a dis-service by involving yourself.

And I will again emphasize the point that my opinion presumes that ex-H's household is free of drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers, violence and other sociopathic nut-jobs.