Sick of the threats.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Sick of the threats.
10
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 12:54pm

Am I the only one going through this? At least once during my weekly fight with the ex he throws out his threats. Anything from fighting me for primary custody to re-doing our child support agreement so that he doesn't pay as much or anything at all. Last night I was telling him that I am having such a hard time financially and he said "Well i'm not- maybe Angelina is better off being with the parent who can afford to pay their bills".
Then he throws out that he is paying me this *huge amount* for child support and he doesn't know what I do with it all. OK, his child support covers like 60% of daycare- I PAY FOR EVERYTHING ELSE. That's not the point...but I am SO FREAKIN SICK OF HIS THREATS. He will seriously tell me to "expect a letter from his lawyer" if we get into the smallest argument. And he keeps telling me that he has SO MUCH dirt on me, that I'd lose custody instantly, that he has pictures of things, testimony from my friends, etc. I don't know what he has but i'm not worried...can't be that big of a deal because I haven't done anything bad enough to lose custody of my daughter! Somehow men think that you having a drink with your friend on the weekend, on a night when your child wasn't even with you warrants losing custody. Idiots.
I know he wants to scare me, and he wants to have control....and honestly it does scare me even though I know there is NO WAY he would win these threats. For a mother to lose custody, she'd have to be a crack-smoking, alcoholic, abusive wife.
Any experience with these power-control threats?

Thanks!

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 1:41pm
I get the threats also. I disregard them, hang up, walk away, whatever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 1:52pm

No...cause I don't talk to him.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 4:51pm

My suggestion is to just ignore the threats


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 10:48pm

Hey Lainie...

My xh threatened me a couple of times, but not nearly as often as I've heard about your stbx doing the same to you... my advice, though hard to do, is to rise above and not allow yourself to get into these sorts of conversations... limit your conversations to issues regarding your daughter, and financial issues that are still joint between you and your stbx (don't discuss your personal finances with him... he doesn't have a right to know and hearing that it is a weak spot is giving him power)... so, if you're on the phone, advise him you're hanging up now and DO IT... if you're speaking in public end the conversation... you may want to consider drop offs at a public place to avoid the potential discussions in private that could turn into one of these struggles...

You can do it... bite your tongue and take the high road...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 12:03pm
Yeah. I do. My stbx tried all the threats about custody, having dirt on me, etc., etc., etc. But when it all boils down, that is all they are, threats. In most (if not all) states, the court sides with the mother as far as physical custody is concerned. In order for the husband to get physical custody, he has to prove that the mother is unfit. My stbx went as far as trying to get a restraining order against me and failed miserably. He was proven a liar in court. He has no credibility (and a criminal record, to boot.) Your stbx would have to prove you unfit. And if his lawyer is smart, he will advise your stbx that it is a waste of the court's time. Please keep to not worrying about his 'threats' because that's all they are. It is very difficult for father's to get physical custody unless the mother has passed away. Even crack-head, alcoholic mothers get to keep their children. Keep smart. Don't listen to him. If possible, don't talk to him at all. Go through a lawyer. It may bring some peace in your life. Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 12:20pm
When all of this began with my husband I went to a consultation with and attorney that I would never be able to afford. He told me that when stbx statrted makeing his tthreats to ignore him. It gave him power over me because even though I knew he didn't have anything on me, he did threaten to lie though, I let it scare me. He said the only way in the state of Texas for a father to be able to prove the mother to be unfit would be if the mother did drugs, had an affair, was an alchoholic or was homosexual. Since none of those pretain to me I have nothing to worry about. Hopwever, my stbx does have 2 of the 4 against him. Last time he started his threats I stood up to him and told him there was no way he could take my kids away from me and he couldn't scare me anymore. He did admit that he knew he would never be able to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 1:35pm
Yeah my ex would threaten those things too. He even threatened to call my EMPLOYER and get me fired! He threatened to call my FAMILY and tell them a bunch of lies about me if I didn't pick up the phone by the 7th or 8th time he called and left messages. My advice to you...document everything!!! Document every threat, every inappropriate conversation he has with you. Yes, he is doing this to get a rise out of you, but don't just put up with it or ignore it. DOCUMENT it! If he calls and leaves an inappropriate message on your machine, save it! This will all help you later on. And regarding child support, document those conversations as well. If he slips up and tells you that he is doing well financially or has this amount of money or these assets or whatever, you have that documented also. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 1:42pm

This is interesting, my STBX used to be threatening and manipulative. I just realized that counseling helped that a lot, but also me discovering his A took the wind out of his sails and he is a lot more civil to me now.

I have to agree with the others. Simply cancel the weekly fight. It took me some time to develop armor to refuse to argue with him about whatever it was he was trying to provoke me with. I walked away, refused to speak, changed the subject, etc.

Dr. Phil says the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. I think my stbx knew our marriage was doomed when I stopped hating him.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 6:44pm

Ladies, this is all VERY good advice. I have been letting my STBX scare and intimidate me, too. He scared me into thinking he'll create an unreasonable custody arrangement, that he'll pay child support late or not at all, that he'll drag his feet on the divorce forever, argue on every point to make the legal fees pile up...etc.

Now, my STBX was never violent, but over the Thanksgiving weekend, he hit me in the face, and it really rattled me (I did have him arrested). Even since then, I find it hard or scary to stand up to him. And belive me, I am not one to back down usually. I just worry that if he did it once, what stops him from doing it again?

I know...I need to take the power away from him thinking he can intimidate and frighten me. I just wish I felt stronger sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 11:21pm
That's fine, but it certainly doesn't hurt for her to document his behavior for court purposes if something ever were to happen.