single after 11yrs
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| Sat, 12-02-2006 - 6:46pm |
I have finally decided to write my own message after observing for a while...
My divorce will be final on Monday (after 8 months of separation). I can't understand why I feel so sad. I left him after years of being unhappy. My very STBX was emotionally unavailable from the very start. He only spent time with me when he didn't have anything else to do. I pulled away years ago and just went through the motions of life until one day I realized that I was dead inside. When we separated, I left my home, my job and my life as I knew it. I had just finished my master's degree when we met and from then on, it was all about what he needed and wanted, so my career never took off. I find myself single in my mid 30's, with no career to stand on, no money to start over with, and in my hometown (which I have always hated).
I know I should be happy to be free to live my life as I want. The problem is that I don't know what I want. I'm having a hard time getting things going again. I just have never felt so alone. All of my friends have their husbands/wives and children to focus on and that leaves me in no man's land.....you know, single with no children. Of coarse, my friends are very sweet and they try to include me in things. But it only makes me feel more lonely and sad. People expect me to be so excited to have this over and done with. Why can't I feel as happy as I am supposed to feel? Why is this so hard?

Wheter or not it was your idea to get a divorce you are suffering a loss. You probably put a lot of time and effort into your marriage. I think it is totally normal to have sadness and other feelings of loss.
I have trouble from time to time with the whole moving on thing. I also understand the feeling of being lost. It is better some days but if I think about things too much, it is much harder for me. Hope this is of some comfort..
cactusflower2006...
PG's first marriage lasted 16 years...and marriage #2 was a brief 15 months! In between, there was a 4-year relationship which turned into a living hell!
In all 3 cases, there was a let down. The feelings might have been similar, but finding "peace through closure" didn't happen until several months later.
My suggestion to you is to not to rush the HEALING PROCESS! Take all the time you need without attempting to "chart a future relationship course" according to somebody else's time frame.
You'll receive plenty of suggestions (and probably an admonishment or two) about "moving on?" But nobody can set the pace of YOUR LIFE for you!
That's something only can do!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
Cactus,
Divorce happens in stages. Every stage is a milestone or a passage to the next. Even when you wanted the divorce, the reality of it being final is often a shock. It isn't uncommon to feel sad because its the last gasp of your marriage. We leave a lot of hopes, dreams, and plans behind us when its over. Very often we "forget" there is grieving to do and our sorrow often takes us by surprise. So, grieve the loss of your marriage. It's Ok to do that and its appropriate no matter why you left.
It's also not surprising you aren't sure what to do next. Divorce is a catharsis. It pares away all our past and leaves us vunerable in ways we don't expect. Think of it as being half way up an imposing mountain. It's hard work to end a marriage and hard work to start over. The top of the mountain looks far away or is invisible behind our clouds of grief, disappointment, and sorrow. But, it's there.
First take time to grieve and allow yourself the opportunity to mourn your marriage. It's a necessary step to figuring out what's next. Second, set small goals for yourself like reading about one thing you might like to do or talking to someone whose doing something interesting for a living. Ask questions. Volunteer. Read. Seek out people who can help you find your special talents. It doesn't matter what your education, it matters that what you do is something you like, do with joy, and can do without effort. That might take some time to discover.
And the mountain top? I promise the view is breathing taking. You get there by putting one foot in front of the other. Get going. Good luck!
CL-Wisdomtooth2020