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| Fri, 09-15-2006 - 10:51am |
Hi everyone! I've been reading some of the posts on this board, and they're really helping me.
I've been divorced for almost a year and we were married for 3 years. I'm 31, and we had no kids.
I was fine for a long time after the divorce, but lately I find myself getting really down. The 4 year anniversary of our wedding date is coming up and my ex told me his girlfriend he started dating shortly after our divorce is moving into the house with him that we used to have together. I still have yet to find anyone else and I know my marraige was not a good one but I'm still down and feel very lonely.
How do all of you cope with being single again when it seems like everyone around me is married with kids? I feel very awkward sometimes when I'm around a bunch of women who are talking about their husbands and kids. I do have some single friends, but where I live most of the women are married.
Any input on how to cope will be much appreciated!
Thanks!
Michelle

Hi Michelle!
Pianoguy has quite a bit of sympathy for you today....simply because your feelings are 'kinda sorta similar' to his! So here are a few suggestions:
1. Now that you're officially divorced...DON'T DWELL ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DATE YOU ORIGINALLY GOT MARRIED! .
2. Why should YOU care what your EX is doing with his new g/f? That chapter with him in your life is OVER! He has moved forward...and you have to as well!
3. At the age of 31...you shouldn't "write yourself off" under the I'M DOOMED TO BE A SINGLE WOMAN FOREVER header! Believe it or not, you have a few advantages at the age of 31 that a lot of divorced women DON'T HAVE:
No children from a previous marriage...and the ability to date as much as you'd like!
As far as "hanging out" with women who HAVE husbands and children, it's up to you to regulate the amount of time you wish to do this? Base your decision on whether the process makes you uncomfortable or not?
However...if someone should bring up the question: "How Come You Haven't Remarried Yet?" Smile sweetly and say..."because (unlike yourself) I'm still trying to find the right guy!!!"
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
I cope by focusing on being a good father to my son, I spend a lot of time with boy scouts and other service oriented activities, and I make my own furniture.
I have stopped pursuing non-productive interests, like boozing and chasing women.
On the one hand, I'm not meeting any new women. On the other, I'm not hooking up with anyone who will turn my life into a disaster again.
Michelle,
I can relate to how you're feeling. My STBX and I are in the middle of our divorce proceedings and have been separated a year this month. We were married for only 2 years but were together for 6. I understand some times the feeling of loneliness is almost unbearable. It is especially difficult when your x already has moved on and with someone else.
Journaling has been helpful to me. Talking to friends and family more often has made a difference. Pick up a hobby or ask friends to movies or some type of outing. I don't have any children with my husband but I do have 6 cats with him. Sometimes when things are bad I play and cuddle with them. One thing about pets is they love unconditionally and they have a way of showing you this. The remind me that there is still good in this world. One just has to find it. Message boards such as this has also been a lifesaver. It is so helpful to know that there are others out there that are in the same boat. It doesn't take away the loneliness but it gives you a little comfort. I have also started reading more self-help and inspirational books. Sometimes you need to be reminded of the good when you're in the thick of the bad. I don't think I've read more in one year since I was in college.
I hope these suggestions help. It is funny you should ask about this today because today has been one of those days when I can't get myself to stop thinking about my STBX and his hussy gf. I know I am better off without him but yet the loneliness has a way of masking all the bad things about him and what he did to me to get us to this point.
Thank you so much to everyone for your replies! They really have helped. I think everything just happened to me at once and for some reason almost a year later, the divorce is really starting to get to me. It doesn't help that I lost my job last month. They let us all go.
Anyway, it really does help to know I'm not the only one going through this. I just have to keep reminding myself how alone I was when I was actually married. My ex never wanted to do anything with me and I did everything alone even then.
Right after my divorce I had a very positive attitude and I just have to get that back. I looked at the divorce as a new beginning and a chance to be much happier.
Good luck to all of you and again, thanks!
Michelle
Losing a job is a HUGE blow. It brings about a lot of change and old feelings. It's totally normal for you to be going through a rough time right now.
When I was first separated, I had this idea in my head that every single person's life was like Sex and the City! I thought everyone was out, having a great time, making a zillion friends, etc. BUT...once I started really talking to other people, I realized that wasn't the case.
Even several years after a divorce, there are triggers that will make you feel sad, or life events that will bring up old feelings. You've been goin really well - this is just a small bump in the road.
Do as I do celebrate
Michelle, I don't have a lot of wisdom, but wanted to say that I definitely feel your pain and you aren't alone. I married young, at 20, and my ex wanted a divorce after 11 years. It has been over a year now since the divorce was final and I am struggling, too. I am still on good terms with my ex but it is really hard. I'm lonely and have no single friends. We didn't have kids and all of my friends are married (some with, some without kids). So, I often don't know how to occupy my free time as all my married friends are busier, and there are no "kid activities" to fill time because I don't have kids. My ex also has just hit a one year anniversary with the girl he started dating after we split. It is really, really hard. I am actually returning to my therapist next week for some ideas, but lately it has helped me to promise myself not to refuse any invitations. That way I can meet more people when invited to something else by a friend of a friend. My calendar isn't full enough yet, but it's starting to help. Plus, I'm hoping it will eventually help me meet a great guy to date.
I wish you the best and just know you aren't alone! :-)
Cate