Sister getting divorce-Shut out family

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sister getting divorce-Shut out family
10
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 1:10pm
My sister is getting a divorce and our family is devastated for her. She is a wreck and so unhappy about the situation obviously. A little background about my sister. She is does not have the best self esteem, always talks down about herself, etc. This could not have happened to anyone worse. This is just making her self image go down the drain. So her self pity is on level 10. It's been 6 mths since her husband left her with no explanation. She has been going to counseling and etc., etc. Last week she received a letter from her husband's attorney threating alot of stuff. Needless to say she was upset. As her sister I thought I could help her with the fight against him. I tried to say I will go with you to get an attorney, help you file the papers etc. She didn't want any of it. Now she is really mad, not sure if this is the angry phase or what but she has totally shut her entire family out. She wrote me a nasty email stating that she doesn't want us sharing her business with other family memebers, friends, etc. That she won't be discussing her private life with any of us anymore. My sister and I happened to work together and so I see her everyday. She walks around like the world has come to an end. She has a look of disgust everyday. Everytime I try to say anything to her about hanging out with her friends, she snaps back saying why would i want to hangout with my married friends? I don't want to be around them. I'm really at a loss. I've tried to be supportive, helpful, a shoulder to cry on. But it seems like everything I do, she says is not helpful. She has totally shut my parents out, she won't really talk to me anymore and she never talks to my brother. I want to know what I can do to help her without her getting upset with me. Her anger is directed toward the people who love her when it should be directed toward her soon to be ex-husband. I know this issue really isn't about me but and I know she is going through a difficult time but it just seems crazy to me that she would shut her family out when all we are trying to do is make her feel better. Any advice or help would be greatful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 1:36pm
I was your sister a year ago. Heck, I still am her. In my opinion, what I needed from people was to listen, not necessarily offer advice. I needed to be able to feel the saddness. My family was bad about telling me what to do. Their best piece of advice was to get over it and move on. NOT! Hug your sister tell her you love her. Ignore her nastines for now. She is going to need you. Keep letting her know that you'll be there when she needs you. Divorce is a horrible roller coaster ride of emotions. You will find that one day she will be sad and the next angry, or sometimes both. If she is still in love with her husband, she is going to feel very lost. Don't crowd her or make her feel that she can't show the emotion of the day around you. Help her to take care of herself. Invite her out to dinner, try to avoid the topic of divorce unless she brings it up. She isn't angry with the family. She is angry with herself and her spouse, but it is to hard to admit to yourself that you have a hand in the demise of your marriage so she takes her anger out on everything else. Let her have her space. Don't burn the bridges and in about a year I bet she will be so much better. Hugs, Brena

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 1:47pm

Thanks for the advice. This was exactly what I needed is someone who is/has gone through what my sister is going through telling me exactly how she is feeling, because she won't tell me. I feel so awful for her and want to help in any way. Thanks again. What you said was perfect! Good luck to you.

Anne ;o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 1:53pm

i agree with brenda. when i was going thru my divorce, i also sent a letter to my siblings and father - i think they may have thought it was nasty - but to me it was very very important because it turned out that some of my relatives were talking to my then-STBX and i had to protect myself and my son. i don't know what was behind your sister's letter, but she may be feeling that she needs to protect herself. there may be issues between your sister and your parents which is why she is shutting them out (e.g., are they opposed to the divorce?)

in short - give her her space. tell her you are there for her. ask her to TELL you what she needs. if she has kids - offer to take them off her hands IF SHE WANTS. let her be, don't get upset at her right now - this period is very difficult and hopefully she will come around in a few months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 2:10pm

Thanks for the advice. It really helps that I can get some feedback from people who have gone through it. I know she isn't trying to shut us out on purpose it's a defense mechanism for sure.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 6:27pm
If she is still holding a job and getting the kids to school and functioning, don't worry too much. If she ceases to tend to such daily needs, drag her in to a physician immediately. Sounds like she is dancing pretty close on the edge of depression.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 11:10pm
Maybe the family is giving her claustraphobia. How is her self esteem going to get any better if everyone is hovering around trying to do for her what she needs to do for herself? She is angry at her husband, life, maybe God, and every person who crosses her path. This isn't normal? Give her space and let her get through this. She knows where you are when she needs you and she will reach out eventually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 11:18am
Yes you are right. I just wanted feedback that's all about what she may be feeling right now because she isn't really talking about it anymore. She used to talk about it alot and now it's like she has put up a wall. I ask her how she is doing merely out of being a sister. I will continue to support her in any way and yes I know she is angry. Thanks for the tips, they are really appreciated from everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 8:18am

Brenda had GREAT insight! You must be a wonderful sister for caring so much and being so supportive.


One last tip....just because she's being nasty and awful, she still wants your support. Continue to be there for her...just let her guide you to what she needs.


Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 12:56pm
That was good advice. I know my Mom never acknowledged that my seperation was sad or even call my STBX or anything that I would have expected. She was just ready to cut him down. That was not what I wanted to hear. She tried not to interfere by keeping her distance totally. I always thought family members were suppose to love each other. I have been married for a lifetime. She did not acknowledge any loss of a son in law. My friends some that have divorced and others that have not seemed to be able to speak their minds with support and respect. One friend even called my H "scum" But had been thru a similar experience and was Helpful and Patient and Always There.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 1:25pm

Cook her something you know she loved as younger and give her that in her lunch box one day and give her a hug, cause right now she needs your