Sitting on the Fence
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Sitting on the Fence
| Tue, 05-22-2007 - 4:40pm |
I have been married for ten years. Many of those years have been unhappy. I hate to say this but-I almost didn't marry him. I'm afraid to leave because of financial reasons. We have a rental house that is now empty and he is willing to live there for a while. I know we love each other, but we are not "in love" at all- anymore.. We have shared moments in the past of being "in love"-but many more moments of fighting. We have tried seperating in the past and it only lasted two or three days. When he wasn't here for those days/nights, I felt some kind of relief-almost as if the stress level went way down. I think we need some "REAL" time apart. I just don't know if it will really help-?
We have tried counseling in the past-didn't work-only seemed to make things worse. Our counselor told us that seperating is a slow road to divorce and that our kids would be better off seeing Mom and Dad fight once in a while than to seperate. I don't agree with her. I feel that fighting in front of our children is a really bad thing to do. I don't want my boys to grow up and think that this is how marriage is suppose to be.
I guess my question would be:
Do you think seperating is a good idea or am I just asking for a slow road to a divorce?
We have tried counseling in the past-didn't work-only seemed to make things worse. Our counselor told us that seperating is a slow road to divorce and that our kids would be better off seeing Mom and Dad fight once in a while than to seperate. I don't agree with her. I feel that fighting in front of our children is a really bad thing to do. I don't want my boys to grow up and think that this is how marriage is suppose to be.
I guess my question would be:
Do you think seperating is a good idea or am I just asking for a slow road to a divorce?

I think there are different kinds of separation. I've suggested a book called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" to a few people on this board, and I feel a little like a broken record suggesting it again, but it was a really enlightening read for me. It gives an overview of structured trial separation as a means to move toward a final decision on the marriage. I don't know, maybe it's not what you're interested in, but I'm sure you could pick it up at the library and peruse it if you are.
No one can tell you what to do as far as separation or divorce. That has to be your call. But try doing lots of research and maybe see a different counselor for another opinion. Good luck, I know how mind numbing it is to be where you are and I hope you find the answers you need.
This is something I read on ivillage...
5. People just fall out of love.
The correct answer: False
Some people believe that they need to divorce their spouses because they've fallen out of love. First of all, people don't just fall out of love. If love dwindles, it's because the marriage wasn't a priority. The number-one cause for the breakdown in marriages in our country is that people don't spend enough time together. They take their spouse and their marriage for granted. Work, kids and other obligations become more important than spending time together. When this happens, during the little time people do spend together, they end up fighting. This distance and alienation sometimes fool people into thinking they've fallen out of love.
Second, love isn't just a feeling. It's a decision. Happily married people understand that if they engage in activities that bring love into the marriage, they will feel loving. There is no major mystery here. You both decide on a daily basis whether you're going to spend time together regularly or do your own thing, forgive each other or hold grudges, accept each other's weaknesses or point fingers of blame, apologize when in error or smugly stand your ground, be generous and giving or put your own needs first.
Of course, we're all human and our ability to be loving and kind to each other ebbs and flows, as do our feelings for our partners. However, wise people don't allow negative feelings or the absence of loving feelings to make them question their commitment to their spouses. They just understand that they're going through a rough time and that soon, they will decide to do what it takes to evoke feelings of love again, in themselves and in their spouses.
Hi
I kind of agree with the counselor.... just because you've tried counseling... you've taken some steps toward recognizing there are issues and tried to resolve them... and it hasn't worked.
For me, separation just meant more opportunity for mistrust, which would have compounded my situation, because trust was part of what was lacking.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
*wildlucky4me- You really made me think about how much energy I am giving my husband/marriage. I hate being this way. I know my kids see me upset and unhappy and that is not what I want for myself or my kids. I know happiness is a choice. I want to be happy and I do try and try and try. The only time it seems as though things are going well in my marriage is when I sweep everything under the rug.
My husband and I seem to be on seperate teams. I am so tired emotionally. I often wonder if being on my own with my kids would be easier or would it just present different bigger problems?
amygirl2007
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((((((((Amy-))))))))))
i understand your statement above. i have found that, in my situation, that i am better off without STBX than with him. i worried about my children, but they are fine. things were so bad at my house, the stress, the tension, the anger, THE BOOZE! now, its quiet. we have reconnected. it took me 14 months to finally get up the nerve and walk out the door. i am so glad i did it. i am a better mom than before. i spend more time at home, i am not out, working late, meeting up with friends, in an effort to avoid stbx. i can't believe i lived with so much stress.
take your own path. the answers will not come to you over night, but you will eventually seek clarity. keep talking to your counselor, or a member of your clergy or pastor if you have one. they will give you things to think about and consider.
good luck and keep posting.
this board, eas, and alcohol problems have been a huge support system for me. i don't know where i'd be if i hadn't found this place.
what
Wow! You sumed up my situation right now. I have been tearing myself up inside. I have three children with my husband, and I think I am having difficulty making a decision because of them. He is not willing to change, and I have come to terms with it. He has OW, but claims that is not the situation; however he continues to have a relationship with her, when he knows how much it hurts me. I wonder where it went wrong. I feel like I have failed, even though it is none of my fault. But the thing that pisses me off the most, is that despite the hurt and pain, I still love him. How do I get past this, when I feel that a part of me has died.
I blame myself for letting my family and friends know what is going on with me. I have some people telling me that I should let him stay for the kids sake, and other people telling me to kick him to the curb. I know, I should do what is in my heart, but the problem is, a part of me wants him to leave, and part of me doesn't.
How did you get to the point that you have done all you can, but can't do it by yourself...
Tee
"But the thing that pisses me off the most, is that despite the hurt and pain, I still love him. How do I get past this, when I feel that a part of me has died."
You literally mourn the part of your life that has "died". He broke the marriage covenant. My situation is similar, as I still love my H, but have not lived with him for 10 months. My advantage is our child is grown with a family of his own. H says he has always loved me and always will, but continues to treat me like the maid, nurse, and general servant girl IF I LET HIM. I cried for weeks after I moved out, but it was better than the emotional and verbal abuse, or the being ignored. We get along better now than we did the last year we lived together, but I don't stick around for the screaming and temper tantrums - I go to my own peaceful home and still mourn what was. For over 25 years we had a very good marriage, then his family caused us major problems, and I got the brunt of the anger. I know we can't go back to the way things were, even before the family feud, but we're still hoping to move forward, together. It will take a lot of effort, and I'm not sure I will ever fully trust him with my heart again.
God wants us to love ALL people, that includes the H causing all the stress, etc. God also wants us to live in harmoney. God hates divorce, but also commands that if an unbeliever wants out of the marriage to "let him go". I pray for H every day, for his health and safety, and that he will open his heart to hear God. I know that God will intervene in our marriage in some way in HIS time. So I wait, not rushing to file for divorce from a man I love. If H flat out says he wants a divorce, he can have it. I'll still love him. But I will not put myself in danger: the verbal abuse caused me to have really bad anxiety attacks that concerned my physician. I trust God to take care of me - but I'm not walking out in front of a truck!
Mourn the loss of what was, cry, scream, kick the pillows, whatever. It's OK. Keep loving him. It's OK. But protect yourself, keep the faith, and look to God for the answers. I even have trouble some days, just because I miss having intelligent conversations with H. But, at least he's not yelling at me or criticizing me. He's even made a few important changes that he was saying were not part of our problem. If they weren't a problem, why did he change?? I really believe he is making an effort, albiet slow and cautious. I told him all I want is peace in my own home. I don't think that's asking a lot. But it seems to be difficult for H. In the meantime I wait. By the way, neither of us is "seeing" anyone else.
Good luck and Hugs
T
Most of the time, when we're on the fence, we've actually already made up our minds. We usually just stay longer out of fear - fear of losing our children, home, being destitute, alone, etc. I languished in a state of indecision for years on end. I wasted precious time being miserable and unfulfilled in a lonely marriage.
In your heart, you probably already know what you want to do. Sometimes, it's just very difficult to get there.