Slowly, painfully, we eek to separation
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| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 11:02pm |
It is miserable. He is still in the house, but talks about official separation on X date, but doesn't plan to move *all* his stuff out the week I am away with the kids. He has no financial plans to speak of and very unrealistic plans for how he will see the kids on "his" days and weekends. And, just doesn't seem to care about the consequences of this divorce for his children.
My older dd (6) was weeping tonight; just couldn't fall asleep as she is expected (we now have the two children sharing a bed with one parent sitting by because very soon there will only be one parent available). She said she was just so sad and needed my comfort. So, I yielded and let her crawl in my bed even though I wasn't ready for the night.
But, what got to me was that she said "I get so sad when mommy or daddy is out (I was out tonight); I just miss mommy and daddy; I want to call and see when mommy or daddy is coming home. I want both mommy and daddy." My stbx stood there with this fake look of concern and just said "well, I need to go to bed now." Just walked away as he will soon walk away permanently.
This was just one night. There will be a lifetime of nights for my 6 yo and almost 5 yo and I believe he is indifferent to the suffering these children will experience; the crushing blow this divorce is going to bring to them. They will forever be wounded psychologically, spiritually and emotionally by his dissertion, for to them, that is what it will feel like.
Just wrinkles his brow and goes to bed. Shame on him.
I know many of you have had your children do ok with the divorce or even better than ok, but I think, for my children, who adore their dad and want their mom to stay at home (as do I) this will be devastating; the process so far has caused them suffering (mom out at appointments, lots more babysitters, etc). Such promise, such potential, such vulnerability and he will crush them to gain his freedom.
M

A lot of how our children cope with the divorce is our attitude and how we handle it. Sometimes, when we convince ourselves they're going to be ruined, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They may fare far better than you ever imagined. I know when I tried to bring up a new topic with DS during the divorce, I always took a positive spin. "I know living in two homes will be tough, but your friend D lives on our new street and you can set up your new room." When it comes time for your children to start their new child care program, you could emphasize the new experiences and new friends they will make.
I realize I was in a totally different position than you. I never had the opportunity to be an SAHM, my ex was largely absent from the household and our marriage was fraught with anger and unhappiness. Even so, my DS still wanted us to stay married. But I will tell you, in the end, he is doing very, very well. Your children may very well surprise you.
Hugs, Brenda
Yes, you are right. I hope you don't mind my pouring out my pain, here, though.
When I don't think too much about the kids I know I will be ok and hopefully we will survive economically, but when faced with my dd's raw pain last night (and she doesn't even know yet; she's just dealing with the prologue to the actual separation) I feel absolutely devastated for my children and deeply angry with the selfishness of my stbx.
I have a real problem with lying to them in an effort to make things *seem* positive. (I know you aren't telling me to lie). I think that really messes with children's minds -- they see the sky is blue, but we keep insisting it is sunrise pink (or whatever) -- the reality is that, for *them*, this is a HUGE loss, a tragedy; they will be crushed, confused, blame themselves; their self-esteem and courage will be trashed -- their world torn asunder; the people they trust most in the world will teach them that no one can be trusted to keep their promises. This is the truth, the reality; I hate that some people make children suffer because those adults are immature and unwilling to do the hard work of being adults and parents.
Other divorces genuinely do improve children's lives; there are plenty of stories here testifying to that, but that is not my situation. Three people, two of them innocent children, will be left impoverished and emotionally devastated so one sick individual can immerse himself in his selfish, distorted world.
I will do my best to point out to my children all the GOOD in their lives; all the good friends and families still surrounding them (was thinking of having a huge gathering with all the people who love us and have supported us through this nightmare over for a potluck sometime after stbx moves out); I know they will still have happy moments with me and with stbx, but they will be forever changed and wounded by this experience. In the end, they may be wonderful healers and helpers of others in pain. Better and stronger than they might have been if they hadn't been so badly hurt. I hope we can make it through adolescence without acting out with drugs and sex in reaction to their pain. I will pray and do my absolute best to nuture them and stand by them in all their challenges. It is all I can do.
Thanks for listening!
M
Oh, not at all! This is the place for it. Sometimes, it helped me when people had "been there and done that" gave me some pointers and tips. I know you're hurting...I just don't want you or your children to suffer more than is absolutely necessary.
Definitely don't lie. I always acknowledged my son's feelings and answered with the age-appropriate, truthful answer. "Yes, H, I am very sad, and I know you are, too. But things will get better over time."
For your own sake, try to believe that things will get better over time. I know it seems impossible right now, but they will.
m
I know you are struggling with your D. I have been having a rather rough week myself. I don't have any words of wisdom, but i am sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way. you will get through, as will i. our children will have a difficult time, but they will be ok. it hurts and it sucks, but i truly know that you can do it.
c.
You just have to keep reassuring that they'll still have you BOTH, but that they'll be getting special time with each of you, and remind them that they cal call (as long as they plan to do it before it gets too late... or they get upset... so reminders might be good while a new routine gets worked out).
CHANGE is difficult.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks, Brenda.
I am sorry your children are still in pain and you, too, these many years after your parents divorce.
For many children divorce can be the new beginning to a happier home and healthier emotional future.
But, for others, of course, it is trauma, plain and simple, and means many years of sadness, depression, diminished self-esteem, poor academic performance, etc. This is the reality for many, because divorce, as a rule is not good for children. Those are the situations that are so tragic where, instead of thinking of their children and working harder on the marriage, adults think only of themselves and the children will just have to "cope" (as my stbx says). That's my situation and I can't imagine ever forgiving my stbx for doing this to his innocent 4 yo and 6 yo dds.
I hope and pray your children and mine are some of the blessed ones and despite this they still grow to be remarkable, loving, capable people.
M
She is still ok. Wow. You did the right thing if her home environment was worse in the marriage than after the divorce and form what you said you did the right thing *for her* in divorcing.
I just can't imagine that my almost 5 yo could take almost half her present lifetime to even get back on her feet -- all that growth, all that capacity to learn and to love battered down by this trauma. No one should be forgiven for willingly doing that to a child, most especially a child he helped create.
This is totally a reflection on *my* situation not anyone else's.
I have so admired your courage and determination in protecting your dd from the chaos her father creates. You are strong!
Thanks for the support!
M