Small talk?
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| Sun, 02-18-2007 - 12:07pm |
My STBX and I are still occupying the same house, he is sleeping in the office/bedroom downstairs. (3 kids, married 16 years). He has a girlfriend (one of many).
When he is here, he might make pancakes for the kids, I am drinking my coffee and he is telling me about his work, conversations with his family etc, and I don't know if I should leave the room or tell him I don't want to here about it, or just sit there and listen.
We are starting mediation with a new mediator in two weeks, so I am trying to avoid creating problems beforehand.
Maybe its a good sign that we can have a good parenting relationship by being able to talk without fighting, but I also feel like he is getting the benefits of a marriage without the responsibilities (I make meals for the family, but don't do his laundry anymore).
M.

Hey M! It is the other M responding here. My stbx is still in the house and I still "take care" of him. He also chats away at times about his work etc. Frankly, it feels bizarre--why would I care about a person who is destroying my life, my dreams and my hopes for my children's future. I still can't believe I have to be civil to such a selfish, self-absorbed %^$*!
As you point out though -- I guess it makes the separation/negotiation process smoother (we too are using mediation) and it is a long-time habit -- sharing our days -- slow to break, I guess.
Otoh, the sniping and criticism from him have increased and it makes me really look forward to having him and all his %^% out of the house.
We have a really difficult future ahead of us financially and of course the kids will be a wreck. He has some pretty outlandish ideas about where he will live and how he will see his children that make me worry even more for them.
So, me too! I guess it isn't all that unusualy in this really messy process.
M
It's like you took the words out of my mouth.
I'm instigating the divorce but only because my H had a 6 year A 3 years ago and hasn't made any changes to "fix" things and I'm over it.
I've only made up my mind a month ago and first made a very strong stand 3 weeks ago but it's like he's dragging his feet. We're unable to afford for him to move out. He's downstairs in the spare room, the kids don't know yet that we're splitting (10 yr DD & nearly 4 yr DS).
I was just saying to my friend this morning, I can't stand us doing all the stuff we used to do. Me standing there ironing while we watch TV as if nothing is going on. It is creepy and it feels like I'm still going to be in this position in 6 months time. It makes me start asking him what he's doing about sorting out in his head the details of our split and we both end up screaming at each other. We're going to try and agree on details ourselves instead of bringing lawyers into the mix.
Anyway, I guess I was just saying I know what you're going through and it is a very frustrating position to be in especially when you're trying to keep things amicable for the sake of the kids especially.
At least you are allowed to both scream at each other. My stbx almost never expresses anger so any time I even slam a silverware drawer in frustration over he makes a note of it (I am betting).
As if I have no reason to be angry about what this will do to my children and me.
In the meantime, I (the preson who doesn't want the divorce) is doing almost all the work to make it happen. My latest burst of anger was over the fact I am the one who has to arrange for babysitters for all these divorce-related appointments while he sits around reading advertising circulars (I do the work, my kids get shuffled off to sitters and he gets ... whatever the heck it is he thinks he wants). Grrrrr.
Is really is the twilight zone ...
GL to both you and me and to our children!
M
N
Sounds like we are married to clones. I'm the only one that does any yelling. He just clutches his head normally and pretends to be unable to breath and then acts as if nothing has happened. Only the last 2 massive fights over the same stuff that you're talking about - no action from him re: the divorce, has ended up with him gasping at me to "stop".
Otherwise he is very passive and manages to still watch a program on TV during the fight.
Only other difference with you and I is that my H was the one first wanting a D 3 years ago when he had an A for 6 years and changes his mind and dragged his feet for the past 3 years until I couldn't take anymore. Now it's me champing at the bit to get out of this M.
I agree, good luck to us and our kids :-)
Hang in there!!! If he feels like this now changes are he won't change even if you stay together and you'll end up back in this same situation years from now.
Gayle