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| Tue, 04-12-2005 - 9:40am |
STBX decided he could show for our sons birthday after all. But he is bringing a friend to help defer the price of gas. This really means him and Shane are going out paryying as soon as he can break away from the kids. Whatever. The only reason this bothers me is he has not talked to me or the kids face to face since this decision was made. So now he brings a friend along and gets to avoid it some more, I find this very irrating.( In case you don't remember he broke the news of wanting to seperate over the phone after he left for a military school.)grrrrrr

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It's amazing that you find out exactly the kind of person you were married to AFTER you're no longer married to them. You find out what kind of class act they really are.
Know how my ex let me (and his son) know he had remarried? He sent a CS check with both names on it. How's that for class?
For your kids' sake, try not to let your irritation show. Take the high road and let him demonstrate his own brand of being a "good" parent. In time, the kids will figure him out. They always do.
Oh yes, we all find out after the fact, but it's our own choice to worry about it.
Let it slide right off your shoulders.... that's the way to get to him. Be your normal happy self and don't let them know what they are doing pi$$es you off.
My ex lied to me for months about his girlfriend. He was already seeing her just before he left. I sorta knew in the back of my mind something was up, but I let it slide because I loved him. Then he left because we had a fight about how I felt ( somehow it got turned around on me ) I was 4 months pregnant with our second child, planned, we were looking at houses to buy and he was apart of every bit of it. We had gotten married 4 months earlier, but been together 6 years. I then found out later about her. He waited until October to tell me he was moving in with her, of course they were "just" roomies. He had his own room etc.... For 3 months before he told me he was sleeping in the car and he told me we would work things out. Then he moved in with her ( although I know it was sooner than that and the car thing was purely a guilt trip ) Before that he wore his wedding ring EVERY TIME he saw me.... then poof, he lost it. So he said. After he moved in with her, I got ahold of her screen names and was watching her away messages because I knew something was up, I just couldn't prove it. Anyway, the away messages got very sexual, specific and I then found out about her. He denied it. He told me they were seeing each other as of November, 1 month after he moved in. He said it was nothing major. He said they hadn't even kissed yet. I was calm when I confronted him, I just basically told him I needed the truth in order to let go.
Since that point I have found out online their real anniversary, her age, the fact that they "loved" each other and I have also found out online that he lied to her about me "tricking" him into marrying me and into having our daughter. I fought it at first, I was VERY angry that he would tell such silly lies. The more I fought it and the more I wanted to tell the truth the more angry they got and the worse it was on me. She would email me naked pics of the 2 of them and everything. Anyway, now, I don't care. It's been over a year and I just let these things slide. Anything she says or does, slides. Anything he does, slides. He even promised to pay past due balance on CS in a check about a month ago, well I had plans for that money and he called the day before I was supposed to cash it and said there wouldn't be enough money, he made up some excuse about how he didn't get a full check etc.... I let him leave a message and didn't even call him back. He called me the next day to confirm I got his message and he was as SWEET AS PIE. He asked if I got the message and I said yes, he said "ummm, ok, then he apologized. I knew he was shocked I didn't call back screaming.
Wow, guess I rambled. We all have our horror stories... I can tell a million of them. I used to rub them in his face any chance I got.... that has changed. I don't do that anymore and I just let it slide.
What absolutely beautiful children you have. Your ex had to have been an idiot to go off and leave such a lovely family.
There are just some people in this world that we'll never be able to figure out. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to understand my ex and I finally came to the conclusion he's just a sore loser. He's always been a miserable and unhappy person and at least I know now it wasn't ME making him that way because he's remarried to someone else and he's STILL miserable and unhappy. I realized the only time he's happy is when he's making someone else UNHAPPY.
I will never forgive him for the way he abandoned his only child. I will never forgive him for punishing me by deliberately removing himself from his son's life. It takes a real slimeball to do something that low, but I learned exactly what my husband was made of AFTER the divorce. His true colors came out in flashing neon. You never know a person's true character until after you're of no more use to them.
I have seen some very gracious and mature and hospitable divorced couples. A long time friend of my family died a number of years ago. He and his wife had met long ago, ended up divorcing their respective spouses and marrying each other. When he died, her ex-husband attended the funeral. His idea was that that man had been the stepfather to his children and he wanted to pay his respects to his ex and the kids. I was very impressed. What a classy man. Too bad more of them can't be that way.
Thank you ! My kidlets are my world... I am thankful that my XH gave me atleast that much in our marriage.
I know what you mean, I don't understand why men cannot take responsibility for their own actions. They had kids, they should take care of them.... it takes two! You can decide to be unmarried, but kids are forever. I could NEVER leave my kids. I miss my son when he goes to school let alone going days months or years without seeing them.
Its nuts, but it happens more often than not. There has to be something we can do :)
Hugs to you and good luck with everything.
Angelena
>>>... I don't understand why men cannot take responsibility for their own actions. They had kids, they should take care of them.... it takes two! You can decide to be unmarried, but kids are forever. I could NEVER leave my kids. I miss my son when he goes to school let alone going days months or years without seeing them.... Its nuts, but it happens more often than not. There has to be something we can do :)<<<
I really do not believe this happens more often than not. I believe most men do take responsibility for their actions and their children, and ex-wives with responsible ex-husbands are not as likely to need a divorce support board, so on here we don't see that as much. There are plenty of divorces in my own family, and they are not the most emotionally healthy bunch (I'm being nice here), and among my friends and co-workers, the vast majority of men would rather die before they went months or years without seeing their children. My uncle (not a great father) did not abandon his children, when his wives walked out on him he stayed and raised his boys. Two of my uncle's (good fathers) adopted their wives dd's helped raise them as their own along side their biological children. I know two men than have been SAHD's, and a large number of men that are very involved, including my ex. I can only think of three men (of all the men I know) who willingly went years without seeing their children. The first is my father, who agreed to let my mom move back home after the divorce (and who later killed himself, ensuring that he would not see us grow up). The second is my father's brother, who left his wife and kids and spends most of the year on the road as a truck driver, and pretty much has no relationship with his adult children now. The third is a friend of my ex's, who's wife said she would fight for sole custody and make sure he never saw his son again (and she had the money to back up that statement), so he backed off, realizing she had that power and he would likely never win in court (still, he could have at least tried). That is three men who abandoned their children, compared with two women (my uncle's two ex-wives), from all the people that I know.
At least in my world, men who abandon their children are a minority. Even if the majority of men in your world do abandon their children, I think it would be a good idea if we didn't make such generalized statements about men here, since we know that men visit this board too. JMHO.
Well said, and your right....
>>>These situations puzzle me, like I said, I can't bear to be without my kids for the day let alone weeks months or years....... idk how people do it!<<<
I agree with you. I am equally puzzled by parents who have sole custody and an involved NCP, and refuse to give extra time, or who stand in the way of the other parent being a real parent (the exception being when the other parent is abusive to the children). My bf would do anything to be involved in his son's life. Every other weekend was never enough, but he couldn't do anything to get more time. Then the courts let his ex move away, and now he is forced to go months and months with nothing but phone calls holding him and his son together, and she makes arranging a visitation nearly impossible. She doesn't think it's a big deal for father and son to go a year without seeing each other, but she can't bear to be away from her son more than 2 weeks even in the summer. It's all about her, she's not thinking of her child's best interests, only her own. I don't get that either. It is just as painful for my bf to be away from his son as it is for her to be away from him, but she won't admit that is even possible. If only she could see the emotional torment he is going through, but even then, I'm guessing she would rationalize it away. Some parents can't think past their own needs, and it's not limited to fathers or mothers, CPs or NCPs.
Edited 4/12/2005 3:39 pm ET ET by firstamendment
I agree completely.
I ask and ask and ask for additional time to be spent with the kids by my ex and he just doesn't want to. But I do know some people who can't get extra time with the kids and it just kills them.
I guess the human mind is something I will never understand....
They are a minority like plane crashes are the "minority" of safe trips. You don't hear about the thousands of safe trips planes make everyday, but when one crashes it's all over the news. Same with "bad" parents (and it's not just men, it's women, too). Millions of parents are responsible and loving; but the few bad apples are the ones who get all attention.
My ex is somewhere on that list - but not just as a parent. He's just a miserable human being, period, so it spills over into every facet of his life including parenting. He really has no excuse. He's not an alcoholic or a drug user. He's just hateful, and parent and hateful are two things that don't go well together.
My fiance is a great single dad. His ex wife is a pitiful mother. So, gender doesn't guarantee parenting ability or desire. Fortunately, most children have a least one stable and involved parent. It must be extremely difficult for kids with both parents who are worthless.
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