So alone!!!
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| Tue, 06-17-2008 - 4:17pm |
I will have been married 5 years next month, and my husband and I have 3 small children. We both entered our marriage with lots of baggage. Mine was that I yelled, and his was that he said mean, horrible (and abusive) things whenever he felt the need. I was so young and so naive that I just put up with his cruelty, and worse, I brought children into the situation. Eventually, I began to say horrible things to him as well.
Almost 2 years ago, there was a physical incident at our house and I called the police. (It was pretty mutual. I'm not the type to be pushed around). Somehow, that seemed to do something to my husband, and he began to change.
The problem is that I have had a very difficult time forgetting and forgiving the past. I'm so terrified that as soon as I allow myself to believe that things are getting better, he'll go back to being the way he used to be. I can't bring myself to let it go.
Recently, he's decided that all of our problems stem from my anger. Suddenly, everything that happens is my fault. It seems to be quite a convenient way out of taking responsibility for him, and I can't help but wonder where the hell he gets off placing the blame on me after all that he has done. He may not be as bad as he once was, but he is far from perfect. He still says abusive and cruel things to me, just less often.
This weekend he through a fit because his Father�s Day didn�t go as planned. We fought and said awful things to one another. Then, he, of course told me that everything was my fault and that even my own family (of origin) didn�t like me. Something in me snapped, and I told him to move out. Now he totally denies saying what he said. And it wasn�t the first time he tried to hurt me by using my own family.
I don�t want things to be this way, but I also can�t allow my self-esteem to be trampled on any longer. And that is exactly what will happen if he comes back home expecting to blame everything on me and my anger. He said he wanted to go to therapy, but I'm not sure if I want to try.
In all honesty, this is as much my fault as it is his. But this situation has begun to hurt my children. I don't want them to hear their parents fighting with one another and being hurtful. That is how I grew up, and I know that experienced has helped me to screw up my own marriage.
I haven't told anyone what is going on. My married friends all seem so happy, and we've always been that couple that airs our dirty laundry. I've drifted away from my single friends because we really don't have anything in common anymore.
I am close to my parents, and have leaned on them throughout my troubled relationship. But that too is complicated. My mom stayed with my abusive father all of my childhood, thinking it was the right thing to do. I've tried to forgive my father for being abusive (he eventually got help) and my mother for staying with him, but I'm still hurt.
Now my mother keeps calling me telling me to think things through for the sake of my children. Like her? And my husband has started calling them!!! I feel betrayed by all of them.
Anyway, I'm sitting here feeling terrible, crying my eyes out and totally neglecting my children. And my 4-year-old is the only one consoling me. Now I'm screwing him up too. I need to talk to someone. I need someone to tell me it will somehow be OK, even if they're lying. And maybe I need someone to kick my a-- and tell me to get myself together for the sake of my children.
I've never felt so alone in my life!!!

Bailey,
You're absolutely not alone. You just don't have an outlet right now. One thing I noticed about your message is that you seem to admit responsibility for your side of things that are bad. What are you so angry about towards your husband? And what is he mad about? I can't speak to this too much as anger was never our issue in my relationship, but from an objective point of view it would seem that during those in between anger moments you and husband should discuss your situation. Can you take a break and go away for the weekend just the 2 of you?
How do you feel really about your husband? DO you still love him and want things to work? It's a beautiful thing when you can find that determination and go for it. You and he are the priority, and then your kids. Fix that first.
I am a text book example of a child of divorce and how that affects even adults. But your dad got help and your parents are still together. For me divorce was not an option, that it's all part of the journey, the good times and bad, and when there are children in the picture even more so. However, there was no abuse in my relationship (maybe emotional). If this has been a problem for you always that chances are slim to recover, but if the man you are married to was loving, and you were loving, then maybe there's hope?
I want to reiterate that you are not alone. THere are support groups and forums like this all over the place. I also recommend nature and the outdoors - go for a walk. I understand you're not being able to reach out to some of your married friends because I am in the same boat, but I do have one who was divorced and then remarried, and she has been my rock. She actually has a really crappy second marriage so we vent to each other. Maybe you have someone who is out there who hasn't come forward yet.
Good luck to you.
bp
Thanks for your message. We are just a plain angry couple, aren't we? I'm angry because I came from an abusive home that although it wasn't broken, it should have been. My husband is probably angry because he came from a broken home and then had a terrible first marriage in which he was cheated on and then was left.
We didn't start with a lot of trust in one another. It sucks so bad, but I'm desperately in love with him, and I think that he feels the same. We just can't seem to get to a place to start from, even though we have 3 small children.
On the "someone to turn to" note. I did turn to the person who refers to me as her "best friend." She gave me the typical OMG response. Then she told me she had dinner with friends tonight and asked if I wanted to get together to talk in a couple of days. Then, she emailed me to say that she had forgotten that her sisters would be in town and that she would have time next week. Ouch! Suffice it to say, I'm not surprised. Just because you can laugh with someone does not mean you can be there for them in a crisis.
Anyway, thank you for responding. I do feel a little less alone. :)
You are definitely not alone!