So conflicted..need help!!!!
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So conflicted..need help!!!!
| Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:34am |
I finally have my lawer, and one of the best in town. I'll
| Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:34am |
I finally have my lawer, and one of the best in town. I'll
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Honey... I feel your pain.
I fought for a year to get my XH to see my kids when I THOUGHT was right. OMG did I fight. I would call him to see the kids, I would email him, I would get cancelled visits and get SO MAD that I would cry my eyes out.
Thing is.... when I went to see my lawyer, he told me what my friends and family told me all along and it FINALLY stuck with me. You cannot force someone to be a father. You just can't. The more you push the more he will stray, do you know why? Because he feels like you are trying to control the situation. He feels like you are telling him what to do.
I know you want to do what is right for your kids and I KNOW what needing a break is like. SOMETIMES we have to just say..... "OH WELL, HIS LOSS".... say it with me....
We are all single moms. Yes, we need a break, but sometimes we just can't have one and fighting with the XH to get him to see the kids does no good to yourself and your parenting relationship with your ex. Just keep in the back of your mind at ALL times, YOUR EX WILL GET "HIS" SOON ENOUGH, like when his kids don't know who he is and when his kids DECIDE ON THEIR OWN that they don't want to see their dad.... he will get his. So right now you have to be the best mommy you can. Concentrate on those kids not how much visitation ISNT happening with their father. It's not right what your X is doing, but remember, EVERYTHING happens for a reason........ and he will get his soon enough. Worry about YOU and the kids. What about contacting your local fire department asking about their babysitting program and interviewing a couple of candidates? Put an ad in the pennysaver, local small town paper......
Hugs to you and GOOD LUCK!
Angelena
Your attorney will tell you what the standard visitation is your area.
Thanks for your reply. The thing is that he says he does want to see them and he would fight tooth and nail if I tried to move away or something and he wasn't able to see them. The problem is that so far he's just been allowed to show up when he feels like it with no schedule what so ever. What I'm really wanting is a court-ordered agreement as far as the schedule goes. The reason is that I could have him sign a written one (he won't so far) and he'd still not go by it. The one thing he IS afraid of is anything legal and he'll follow it.
I definatly understand that everyone needs a break. However, my therapist and p-doc have both said that if I don't get some real help with them then I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. My day begins at 5:30 am and on a good day it'll end somewhere
Hey there.... I understand, believe me. It's so hard..... and I have found myself right at the nervous breakdown point MANY times. These 3 kiddos keep me busy from 5am until 11pm... ( well the kids go to bed at 7pm and then I am up until 11 or so doing homework)
What about getting a routine in place? I know that helps me with .... doesn't 5am until 7pm sound better? In my case, if I didn't have a STRICT routine during the week, I would have hit that breaking point LONG ago. Now, I come close, but never hit it, because I ALWAYS have 7pm to look forward to. The weekends are different, but the kids sleep in sometimes too. It will be hard if your not in a routine already to get the kids to get to bed at a decent time, but it's worth it, definitely.
I'm sorry this is happening. Honestly, you can't make him visit with the children. Even if you do get a court order for visitation, will he do it? Do you have the funds and the time available to take him back to court for contempt if he doesn't abide by the visitation schedule? Just remember, look at what's most important and work from there, write it down on paper even. Sometimes it's better to physically see it to analyze what's better and what's not. The routine is DEFINITELY a way to keep your mind and a way to get your kids to realize and understand what comes next.
Hugs,
Angelena
Honey, if you were within driving distance, I'd come over today to help you with your boys!
I can totally relate to what it's like living all alone with 3 little ones. I lived away from family when my 3 older ones were little and took care of them all by myself with no help whatsover from Dad because he worked all the time. It really drains your brain! And I was a SAHM, so I didn't have job/school pressure either like you do! I also had absolutely zero adult contact--not pleasant either. Two of these kiddos didn't sleep through the night till they were 2 years old! Now both of them are taller than me and I hardly see them anymore--they're so busy with school/social lives.
I will suggest that if cost is a factor, maybe you could approach a church (or an older scout troop) about asking for volunteers/nursery workers to come help care for the kids while you tutor/study or just get out for a walk! Knowing you have a scheduled break away from kids is something that you can look forward to and maintain your sanity with.
Keeping yourself centered emotionally and staying healthy and rested is as important for your children as it is for you...they don't need a Mom who is an emotional wreck as well as an invisible Dad. You can't perform your best as a Mom, an employee or a student if you're perpetually exhausted and overstressed. Perhaps you should consider cutting back on your class schedule or your work schedule. You don't have to do it all, all at once.
I wish I could do something to help!
Cupcake
Hey there, I noticed in a post below that you live in NC. If you don't mind me asking what part? I live in Charlotte, and I'd love to see if I could help you in any way :)
Jessica
Bummer, not quite as close as I had hoped! I wish I knew someone that lived there but, I don't. When do you graduate? Are you thinking of moving after? I am an accountant and I have found Charlotte to be great for my career. Good luck and hang in there. I went to school when I little guy was 2 and always took a full load while working and have no support from my then husband. So, I have a taste of what you are going through. Just remember it will all be worth it in the end. You won't have to rely on anyone for support and that is a good feeling.
Jessica
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