so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
so confused
6
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 12:57pm

I've not posted here before. So, I'll start off with a little about myself. My name is Shelby. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 7. We have 2 children together (ages 5 & 6). I also have a 13 year old from a short, previous marriage. I don't even know how to start....

We were extremely happy for the first 5-6 years of our relationship. Best friends, if you will. Then I got pregnant, which was also wonderful. My husband was absolutely perfect throughout the pregnancy. We ended up getting married 2 months before our daughter was born. When she was 9 months old, we found out we were expecting again. This time around my hubby wasn't quite as thoughtful and caring. Which of course, over the course of the next 9 months, led to a lot of resentment on my part. I couldn't figure out why he couldn't be as happy as I was about the pregnancy. About 3 weeks after baby #2 was born, my husband lost his job. He was laid off due to lack of work. (It was right after 9/11). We were living in GA away from all of our family (we are both from OH). In order for him to keep getting his unemployment, I had to go to work full time. He stayed home with the babies and I went to work, on the midnight shift at a factory close to home. We still couldn't keep up with our bills...so we put our house on the market and prepared to moved back home to OH. We ended up having to stay at my grandmother's house for almost 2 years (myself, my husband and all 3 children). During the time we stayed at my grandma's, my husband was still very depressed. I completely understood his feelings of depression. We went from being happy and owning our own home to living with my grandmother...I tried to talk to him, tried to get him to talk to me. He just withdrew farther and farther away from me. He spent the better part of 2 or 3 years, doing whatever he damn well pleased. No thoughts of my feelings. We would make plans to do something together and then he would get a better offer to do something more fun and take off without a second thought. He would take an extra hour or two, driving home from work every night, taking back roads and pretty much prolonging his arrival home. Meanwhile, I'm with 3 kids all day, every day. Our sex life became next to nothing. Once a month if I was lucky. I began to feel like something was wrong with me. I've always taken great pride in being the best wife I can be. I keep a clean home, always have a hot dinner waiting, got up with him at 5 in the morning before work, just to have a little extra time with him, everything I could think of to make him happy. It was enough at one time, but it seemed that he didn't appreciate it anymore. After living at my grandmother's for a couple of years, we ended up having to file for bankruptcy. So any thoughts of buying a house anytime soon, had to be put on hold. We ended up moving to a trailer right beside my mom's house. Not quite what we were used to. We didn't have any choice but to make it work. After moving into the trailer, things didn't really change with my husband. He was still distant and un-appreciative, drinking EVERY weekend and sometimes during the week. About 2 years ago, I sat down and wrote him a big, long letter. I explained exactly how I felt and told him some things needed to change. I told him that he needed to start remembering that he had a wife and children. I told him that I need some sort of attention and affection from him. I told him I couldn't stand the drinking anymore. I've never minded if he came home from work on Friday, or whatever, and drank a couple of beers to relax. But coming home and devouring a 12 pk on friday, then a 12 pk on sat and sometimes a 12 pk on sunday too, was just too much. I don't want my kids growing up seeing their father drinking all of the time. I told him all of this in the letter that I wrote. I think I had basically reached the end of my rope by the point. That letter was his last chance. He did a little better for a little while. He started helping out around the house a little more, the drinking slacked off for a while, but never stopped, but he still put his friends and hobbies before me. We got into a huge fight earlier this year and I told him that I didn't love him anymore. I told him that he had killed the love that I had for him. I did, at one time, love this man so much, it made my heart hurt. He ended up moving out of our home and into his mom's home. He stayed there for around 2 months. We talked daily on the phone and we also work at the same place (I'm in the office, he's out in the plant). We fought a lot, and I do mean a lot. There were a lot of ugly things said to each other. He threated to try to take the kids away from me, told me that he would make the rest of my life miserable if I divorced him, yadda, yadda, yadda. We talked alot and fought a lot. He promised to stop drinking and also promised that things would get better. I let him move back home. He told me we owed it to each other and to our kids to give it a good try.I couldn't argue with that. So, he moved back in, full of promises. Things went well for a couple of weeks and now we are right back to where we started. I have so much resentment inside of me for the way he treated me all those years. I honestly don't know if I still love him anymore...when he's at home-I can't wait for him to leave. When he's gone, I'm wanting to call him. What the hell is wrong with me? He's begging me to let him come back home. My kids are crying for him. But I can't stand to be in the middle of that fighting, nor do I want my kids to be stuck in it. I don't trust him with my heart anymore. I've told him that. He keeps making promises, but I'm afraid he won't keep them (again). I just don't know what to do...there are days when I want to RUN to the lawyer's office and file for divorce and then there are days when I'm thinking, will maybe there is a chance for things to work out. Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like at this point, it should be more cut and dried. Do I love him? Do I just feel sorry for him? How do I know?




Edited 12/20/2006 2:53 pm ET by rippey5
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: rippey5
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:30pm

Hey~


Well, I would "RUN" to that lawyer's office at the very least to find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are if you do decide to divorce.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: rippey5
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 10:58pm
Wow I went through those same confusing feelings for 28 years. It was so toxic yet he was a good man in so many ways except for treating me like I was not worthy of anything, be it affection , love, time anything. We married three times. He just filed for the third divorce. I thought a few years ago that finally our relationship had mellowed and yes we would indeed grow old together. now the OW , and he is filing tomorrow.
He would move out and I would miss him. when he was here he ignored me and scowled alot.
I understand what you are going through. With me I think I just would not stop loving this man no matter what.......no matter how toxic our relationship.
I cant stress enough to try to get ahold of what you really want before the years drag by.
I dont know why we do this to ourselves. This man has been so bad for me in so many ways.
we stayed together for the kids. hmm thats funny cause one is 28 and the other one is 24 almost 25. its been a long time since they were 18. My oldest has been living here for sometime to save money for a head start and my H told me he had only been here the last three years as he was afraid I would make our child pay some of the rent. he was such an enabler for the kids but I was just a tumor on his life. I am sure I am done this time. as the OW gets more of his time in one week than I did in all those years.
I too at times didnt know if I loved him or felt sorry for him. even now thathe has said he never loved me like this OW that he knew 6 months 30 years ago. wow that hurts. it wasnt that long ago that he said he loved me every night and now i have found it was a big lie.
I think as the resentments build its too late for a good marriage .......at least that is my take on the issue. I have books and books of resentments so when I would try to love him it just isnt right. I am sure he has his too. But to know that after all these years I mean nothing to him it hurts very bad. I wish I could help others understand to not make the long term mistake I did.
I am not saying he wont change but just dont wait decades for that to happen. As someone said go find out your rights . also I would say to tuck money away!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
In reply to: rippey5
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 8:59am

The advice that you have gotten so far has not been very hopeful. It sounds like what you guys went through over the last few years would throw anyone into a tailspin. It also sounds like he may have a clinical depression. He may need to see a Dr. and try some medications -- this could explain his moods, drinking, and distance/withdrawal.

To me, it doesn't matter if you just feel sorry for him. If you didn't love him, you wouldn't care at all. Do you think that he would be willing to get himself help? It's got to devistate a man's ego to not be able to (in this mind) "properly" provide for his family.

Onto you, this doesn't mean that you should immediately welcome him back with open arms repeatedly. The yo-yo'ing has to be hard for the kids. I want to wish you the best in searching out your heart. You are making a big decision, especially since it involves the kids. It doesn't sound like you are fully ready for the big D word yet. Let us know how this all goes...

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
In reply to: rippey5
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:33am
OK. So I called yesterday and made an appointment with a marriage counselor. My husband is still living at his mother's and I am with the kids at home. It's covered by our insurance so I figure, what do we have to lose at this point?! When I asked him about going to counseling a year or so ago, he refused, but now, faced with the alternative, he's jumping at the chance. He was quite shocked that I suggested it again, as I've told him over the last 6-8 months that I'm done with the whole mess. But he's assured me that he'll go into this with an open mind. I will keep everyone updated. Wish me luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
In reply to: rippey5
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:43am

I'm so glad that you made the appt, Please check in and let us know how it goes. I am hoping to start our counseling next week as well. Don't expect it to be easy though. You might be surprised when the counselor likes to "point the finger" equally at both parties! LOL We are so sure sometimes that we are 100% right, when we are all contributing in some way to the situation...

Anyway, let us know how it goes!! Best of luck to you.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: rippey5
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:34am
Best of Luck to you. I hope that everything works out for you and your family.