So confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
So confused
2
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 8:56pm

I've been unhappy in my 6-year marriage for 3+ years for many, many reasons. There are certain qualities about my husband that I just can't accept - he won't cut the apron strings with his mother and father, who have treated me and my kids like crap for the past 8 years; he has no ambition; he's extremely stubborn, self-absorbed, and sneaky; and I don't really trust him. I have a feeling a lot has been said between him and his parents that I don't know about. My kids and I have been really far down on his list of priorities since the beginning of our relationship.

My way of coping with my unhappiness has been to have these painful crushes on men who I respect deeply (mainly my bosses). They filled an emotional need and respect me. I had a big crush on one boss that lasted 3 years. Nothing physical ever happened, but it was painful just the same.

After a few years of counseling, my husband and I separated in September because I just couldn't take it anymore. I was so angry all the time and I knew my kids were suffering for it. I didn't mind being separated and it took a lot out of me to get to that point. It was a relief, though. While separated, my other crush and I slept together just once. That was really, really risky so it stopped after a week or so. It's been hard, because I truly love him, but I'm getting over that.

We saw a mediator three weeks ago to start the divorce proceedings. H was pretty nasty about the whole thing and acted like a big baby. However, we've been in the house together for the past few weeks due to the holidays - for the kids. He's made it clear he doesn't want the divorce and will do anything so I'll stay. He's said that before and really only changes when I threaten him with divorce. I don't want to have to threaten to have my needs considered by him.

However, I'm starting to feel like I need to grow up and just accept him and the relationship as it is. I made a commitment when I married him and I feel very selfish wanting a divorce. I recognize I'm a free spirit but I have children and I don't want to mess them up! I just want my kids to be happy because I'm happy.

I don't know how I feel about this. If we divorce, I will lose a lot, though I'm thankful to have a great job. I just feel like I'd be starting over once again and will never just get ahead. I really hate confrontations so I'm afraid I'll stay out of fear and then be unhappy again in a few months.

We have another appointment with the mediator on Friday so I feel I need to decide. It's nice to have some peace from all the divorce turmoil, and I'm nervous about starting all this up again. I'm just so tired of being on this rollercoaster! HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: mamamcgraw
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 11:34pm

Well if he is willing to do anything, then go to marriage counseling. If he agrees, maybe you can make some changes. Having kids together is definitely a reason to try to save the marriage. Maybe through counseling, you can come together and begin to understand each other and build on something. However, if he refuses to go to counseling or if he doesn't participate fully when you go, you'll have your answer. Letting kids grow up in an unhealthy marriage is never a favor. Believe me, I did. Good luck.

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: mamamcgraw
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 12:12am
It's pretty natural to feel confused. This is after all, a life changing event. But that doesn't mean you should stay put just to appease him and the kids. You can't be a good parent if you are miserable, and you can't stay in a relationship where your needs are not being met and where you don't feel respected or valued. You mentioned that he is sneaky and that you cannot trust him. For me personally, lack of trust is a dealbreaker, and so is lack of ambition. I would recommend counseling as well, but since you mentioned his lack of ambition, its doubtful that counseling would work. It probably would have by now. He may say that he is willing to do anything to get you to stay, but can you trust him or hold him to that? What do his actions tell you? Words don't mean much without action to back them up. Sometimes people just have different values and beliefs that no matter how hard you try, don't coincide. You have obviously put alot of thought into this already. Don't stay with him for the wrong reasons. Good luck.