So confused, he wants back, I'm not sure
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So confused, he wants back, I'm not sure
| Wed, 02-14-2007 - 3:38pm |
I haven't posted in a while - I have been living in a total state of confusion for a few weeks now. As a refresher - my H decided he wanted to leave in Nov. I begged him to stay until fater the holidays - he did - we had lots of chats but really didn't make any progress. He moved out on Jan 1st. After three weeks of him being out of the house he realized that he loved me and had been horrible to me and wanted to fix things. (However -during his three weeks he did date other women - for sure slept with a couple - in fact I think he slept with someone on Boxing Day before he left in Jan - by all accounts we were still together at that time) The problem was that once I was out of it for a bit I had a chance to realize just how awful our marriage really was. He was verbally/emotionally abusive. He has an extremely high sex drive and preferred porn-style sex which I hated. His behaviour was getting progressively worse and I was concerned for my safety (enough to hide his hunting rifles). I also had set up a system with my girlfirend that I would email her each night to let her know I was ok.. Since I had that chance to step away and realize that there is no way I can go back to that - I have been struggling with the fact that it is great that he wants to change but how likely is he to be able to change. I also post on the Domestive Abuse boards and I know they say that chances of him changing are something like 1% - not good. My H seems very genuine in his desire to change at the same time he expects "good" sex (I have cut off all sex with him {we've not been together since Jan 1st}). Right now - I still cannot stomache having sex with him. He has missed our children so I have made a compromise with him that he can stay in the house three nights per week but absolutely no sex. He wants me to sleep in the same bed as him but I won't I know it is just one step away from sex once that happens - so no. Sex with him has been the bain of my existence! I want things to work out for our girls (5&3 - both just had birthdays) H is not happy not having sex and not sleeping in the same bed - so he is grumpy again and says he finds it hard to interact with me as he is so resentful about this situation. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place....I am basing my decisions on my instincts right now as I have a tremendously guilty conscience at the best of times - so I know better than listening to my heart.. Any advice would be very very very welcome....

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You sound so much like me. Let me just tell you that from my experience if he comes back he wont stay. Soon the problems that caused him to leave in the first place will come right back up and he will be gone again. I have been through this coming and going process 3 times and as crazy as it sounds I would take him back today. Anyway to make a long story short it is to hard on the kids to go back and forth. My oldest child told her school counselor that this situation had been going on her whole life, ( she is 10). I have also been verbally and emotionally abused and at times I to feel scared of him. So that said I personally would not let him come back. I would go see the lawyer, find out your rights, if you can afford to be independent I would be.
Hope this helps
Mary
Awe, honey, this is so tough.
We have exchanged posts in the past. I admire your courage and strong backbone through all this.
I have forgotten; are you guys in couples counseling? The only arena where I would be willing to talk through emotional/potential physical abuse and porn style sex would be with a very experienced marriage counselor there.
I cannot advise you about what decision to make; it is SO very complex, but if after several counseling sessions you still didn't feel he could manage those above two areas, then ... take care of yourself.
And if he won't do counseling; do it for yourself and talk through the above issues so you have some clarity about a decision.
Honestly, based on what you have said, it doesn't sound like, unchanged, it would be a healthy environment in which to raise young children. So, I guess I did just express an opinion.
Come on back and let us know how you are doing.
M
Forgive me, i know I sound like a B*tch, but... He wants to come back, but the wants things to be the way he wants them and he's punishing you for not doing something you hate and serving his needs... that doesn't sound like he's trying to change. It sounds like he's playing on your sympathy and uncertainty.
You were afraid for your wellfare before he left. That is not the way to live your life.
He hasn't earned any favours from you, based on what you've outlined in your post. I'd definitely not be letting him stay in the house, never mind putting up with his demands for sex. Let him live on his own, don't do him any favours (sexually or otherwise) and see whether or not his resolve to change is true. Maybe I'm getting the wrong message from your post. If I did, i apologize.
Hi There - Nope you are correct - I do think you read things right. He really hasn't changed all that much with the exception that now that I have pointed out his behaviour and labeled it as abuse to him - things have been much better in that he is very apologetic for the abusive behaviour and for the last few weeks I have not felt threatened, or as anxious as I did in the past few months.
Cbote - I think this is why I posted - everything I said is true and I do think you read it right... I don't think that fundamentally he has changed very much (except the threatening behaviour - which is a huge relief in and of itself). He knows I am very sympathetic and very concerned for the future of our daughters and, while perhaps not overtly intentional, I think he is playing on that a bit.
My compromise was that we remain separated and get to know one another again and become friends again - I really think that is necessary in order to make things work for us. While he says he understands where I am coming from - he doesn't feel connected to me (I agree but I can't make myself want to be with him - that has to come naturally). He has no patience and he changes his moods very very quickly. Right now he seems quite hostile and grumpy around me - can't really talk to me even though I try to make light conversation. Of course that behaviour makes me wonder I am even bothering. The girls and I are very happy when he is not around. I literally feel sick to my stomache to know that I won't always be able to be with them (he wants 50% custody despite the fact that he has not been a 50% father at all) He loves our girls very much but I have - far and away - been their primary caregiver. We both work full time - but at home I look after 95% of their needs. I do think the writing is on the wall, my head is out of the marriage but I was/am willing to give one last kick at the can (that is my guilty conscience kicking in - want to make sure that later in life I have no regrets and know that I have tried everything possible to make this work). I wish this was easier. Financially I am fine without him so that is not really a factor....
Rose
Hi M - Thanks so much for this post (and all of the others too!)
The girls really haven't witnessed his really bad behaviour as they have always been asleep when he flew off the handle. They are certainly around when there is tension though and I am certain that we all feel it. The girls tend to get a little clingy when things are like that. I strongly suspect that he cannot change even though he might really want to, he doesn't have the right tools to do it on his own. He is going to counselling - we have had two sessions together and he has another session next week with his counsellor (I gave him the option of either going together or him on his own, as i have my own counsellor). The counsellor knows about the abuse and in our last session together, the tension in the room was palpable and she acknowledged it. At the end of the day - he is the one who has to fix his issues with anger, expectations, etc. To his credit he has acknowledged that his treatment of me has been totally unacceptable. I want to believe he can change but right now his behaviour is indicating otherwise....
Rose
Hi Rose - I will not say "welcome back", but still I am glad to see you around.
The fact that he wants back doesn't make everything right, and I think you are very smart in asking all your questions. In your situation, he should "win you back"... and you should take him back only AFTER you are convinced that he has changed, and that you will be not only safe, but also happy. So he wants sex? tough. If he cannot go for a trial period, then you have your answer: no. If he cannot see that he needs to reassure you about his committment, and he cannot stay by himself (out of the house) for a period of time that a counselor should suggest and monitor, he does not belong in the house with you and the kids.
My concern is also the kids. Violence and the exposure to violence is worse than exposure to smoking. It will validate violence and abuse in your kids' eyes, and they may turn into abusers and victims themselves. Really not what a mother wants...
Don't forget nor put last yourself: what do you want??? if your heart, if your gut tells you to run, don't let the wolf into the house...
Hi,
I'm sorry to be chiming in so late, I only just saw your message now.
I have seen your postings on the DA board, and remember you. (I don't post there, but I do lurk.. reasons to follow)
My first message to you is congratulations on being STRONG, for you and your children. You stick to your guns about no sex and no sleeping in the bed. And pat yourself on the back for knowing how harmful those 2 things are right now.
Background on me... my divorce will be final next week, and we have been separated for 3 years. We have been together since we were 15 years old, married right out of college, and have 2 wonderufl kids - 6 and 4. He is a good dad, we are great friends, but he has major control issues with sex. I am a victim of spousal rape, on 2 occassions, both of which I hate to say happened AFTER we had separated. My feelings of guilt for the family and confusion kept me hanging around, and got me in trouble. Even while we were married, he would not take no for an answer. Waking me in the night, following me around the house like a lost puppy if I was doing other things, even cornering me if we happened to have a quiet while without the kids at our feet. It became unbearable (he wouldn't even wake me in the night for it, he would just take it), and when he didn't get it, he was (like you said with your H) grumpy, argumentative, and just miserable to be around. I got out.I HATED being the one to leave and ask for the divorce. Yes, I faltered a few times, for which I am still suffering to this day for. The conflicted feelings are SO hard, I know. But you have to go with your gut. If his sexual behavior is a part of who he is (and it IS, even if he tells you he can change), chances are very strong that the behavior will rear its head again, moreso than, after a honeymood period if you are to get back together.
It must have been something about yesterday being cupid day huh? I could have written your post... yesterday was a hard day. I know my H wants us to be back together again. We are still great friends, and actually get along better now than we did towards the end of our marraige (despite what he did to me). He knows what he did was wrong, I have told him how it has affected and damaged me, how the scars won't even go away (counseling taught me to make sure he knew that.) He apologized, I gave us another chance as recently as November, but even after saying he would try things without sex because he knew I needed to heal emotionally, he couldn't do it and was after it after only a week. Harrassed me at Christmas for it too. I know it's not a healthy way to live. And I don't want my kids growing up to see a submissive, unhappy, insecure mom. I just don't.
Please, know that you aren't alone. Think things through very carefully (as I can tell you are doing) and keep talking it out. The feelings of guilt are enormous. I KNOW. But you have to take care of yourself. It has taken me years to realize that. Your kids will be ok... they will be better with a happy mommy.
Beth
Thanks to Kris for the awesome sig!! xoxo
Beth - Thanks so much for your note. When I posted I guess I was hoping that someone would chime in and say hey it can work - give the guy a chance. But a tiger can't change his stripes and I just cannot stomach living with the tension and anxiety any more. I do think our H's were cut from the same cloth. I have not endured spousal rape - I am so sorry that you had to go through that. My H was the same with sex though - if I wanted to have a peaceful Saturday I knew I had to duck into the bedroom midafternoon or else he would be a total grumpy jerk to me the rest of the day. I do think sex is like a drug to him - if he doesn't get it, he claims he can't relax, holds resentment if he doesn't get that release, etc etc etc. Then of course the criticism that I endure when my heart isn't/wasn't in it. he just made it something I despised and yet i kept trying to jump through hoops thinking it was me, my inihibitions etc. My counsellor has done a lot of work to put my mind at ease that I am normal and fine but I still have my doubts. In my case even though H now realizes that he stepped way out of bounds with the way he treated me, he is still asking me if we fix things if I think I will have more to offer sexually. I keep saying that is not a question I can answer. I believe that in a healthy, respectful, normal relationship that a person would feel safe and more compelled to have a very open imtimate relationship. I do not know for sure because I never felt that way with my husband. If I gave an inch he would want to take five miles. So then I would retreat. and it just got worse and worse. (please note that even under these circumstances we still had sex at least twice each week)
I am hoping he is the one to make the final decision and I do think he will. There is a apart of him that is trying to play on my insecurities to push me forward, but I have the brakes on right now - it just doesn't feel right and I cannot put my finger on exactly why I feel that way. He is saying all the right things but I have 10 years (8 married) with him to know that I need to proceed with caution. I have a feeling that once sex is off the table for good, that we will be able to be very good friends and co-parents.
Anyway - sorry I have rambled here! Good for you for having the strength to leave. What has been your childrens reaction so far?
No he may be better for a little while but the reasons he is "unhappy" pop back up and make him miserable to live with again. I have read some of the other posts and I think my h is so much like some of these other men. When we had a sex life it was good but it wasnt good. My h also had issues with this he thought I did not love him if I wouldnt give it to him. I do love him but I admit that I did hold it back when I was mad. I have so much built up resentment against him, I think a lot of that stems from him leaving me 3 times one of which I was pregnant. He has had emotional affairs internet and other and has never apologized etc. Anyway to make a long story short, he is never going to change and I am tired of waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Good luck
Mary
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